Pass notes no 2,820: The Cerne Abbas giant

Age: At least 316.

Appearance: Cocky.

My, that's a big one. You could have someone's eye out with that. Steady on. There could be children reading.

You wouldn't want someone swinging that in your direction, would you? Please! Think of the letters page! Think of the readers' editor!

I mean, it's not just the shaft . . . Oh Jesus.

It's the knobbles on it, and the way he's brandishing it over his head. I thought you were talking about his penis!

Oh, grow a pair. We've all seen one of those. But now you bring it up, what's this one doing in G2? It's all part of our ongoing war on the manocracy. We're going to run a naked hunk on page three every day until the Sun abandons its topless models.

It's political correctness gone mad! Just pulling your ding-dong. The real story is that this 55-metre long figure, carved into the chalk of a Dorset hillside, has been linked to a surge in fertility.

Are you pulling it again? Absolutely not: according to the Office of National Statistics, women who live near the giant have an average of three children in their lifetime. That's the highest figure in Britain and well above the national average. The nursery nearest the carving says it is "absolutely chock-a-block" because of the baby boom.

Any explanation? The locals say the figure is "inspiring", and childless couples used to dance around a maypole nearby. Legend has it that a woman who sleeps on the figure will be blessed with many children, if blessed is the right word. And having sex on the figure – especially its phallus – will cure infertility.

I've been to Dorset. Is there anything to do other than have sex? That's a terrible slur. You can collect fossils.

Do say: "Let's take a blanket and soak up the atmosphere."

Don't say: "Don't worry: you can't get pregnant if you keep your boots on."