Fugue 25 - Summer 2003 (No. 25) by University of Idaho Library

No. IS

FEATUIlING:

SCOTT RUSSELL SANDI'.IIS SUSANNA ~ RICH JANEM~

PAULPIUY

Summer 2003

]'UGUE Department of English Brink Hall 200 University of Idaho Moscow, Idaho 83844-1102

:FUGUE Summer 2003, Vol. 25 iHalJ;Jging Editor $cOli ~lcE.;chem

FICtion Editor Paul Cocker-un

Associate Fic/ioll Edi/or Ikn George l'oeil)' Editor Jess.l.lIlyn Birrer/ Schnackenberg NonflClioll Editol" Tay;) Noland Staff

Ou:ryl Dudley Jed Foland Bryan Fry Jordan H;u1t

ChriSlin Kaminsky

Jen Hilt

~Ieliss..l. ~Ioillgolllef)'

~Iorga.ll

Stephanie uno:\: NalcLowC'

Monica Mankin

Hunsaker

Sean Prentiss

Jeffjones

llallick Rolland

Ll.\'01I1

Paul Cockcram

Jen I-lirt F,l<"uJI}" Ad\Tsor

ROil

~IcFa.rland

FUGUE .25

Fugue (lSSN 105+(014) is ajollrnal of nell" Iiteralure edited by gradualc students of the Uni,'ersity of Idaho's English and Crcath'c \\lriling programs. Fugue is made possible by funding from the University of Idaho Ellglish Depanmcnt and is published biannually in the winter and summer. Indi,'idual subscriplions are $I路l for 1 year (2 issues), $25 for 2 years (-I- issues), or $35 for 3 years (6 issues); institutional subscriptions are $22 for I year, $40 for 2 years, or $55 for 3 years. r..lake checks payable to Fugue. Add $4 per year for inlernalion'll subsniptions. For back issues, write to Fuguc at the Uni"ersity of Idaho, English Dept., 200 Brink Hall, I\-Iosco\\', !D, 83844-1 102. Submissions: Submissions accepted Sept. 1 through I\by I (llOslmark dates). Please address to the appropliate editor and send with SASE to FI/guc. English Dept., University of Idaho, 200 Brink Hall, MoscolI", to. 838-1-4.. 1102. Prose up to 6,000 wOl'ds pays $10 and one year sllbsniption. Poetry, all forms, p'"l}'S $10 and one year subscription_ Please send no morc than four poems or 6,000 words of prose simultaneously. Submissions in morc than one genre should be mailed scp.ualclr. Co,'er art by Milica PopO\'ic, 2003 漏2003 in lhc namcs of the indi"idllal authors. Subsequenl rights rCYCI1 to the author upon publicalion \Iith the provision thaI Fugue receives publication credil. Plinted by UnivcrsilY of Idaho Printing and Design.

Summer 2003

Contents Nonfiction Contest Winners Judged by Scott Russell Sanders 1st place Susanna Lippoczy Rich

Lull.1b.'· (C",d/e Soug)

2nd place Holly Leigh

C.lsc.lde

3rd place Mamcen Stan Ion

Bod.I' Le.lping B.lckll71J"d

Nonfiction Alison Kl1Ipllick

\~lJelltilles

Elyse Fields

COfJ/i/lllillg Modem

Sonia Cernes DOll

Kunz

James Clinwis George MCCOlTllick Christopher Essex Sandra Novack Chauna Craig

.41

80 147

An interview with Scott Russell Sanders

Fiction Jane McCaffcI1y fVlichael Shilling

163

Brother to Bmther

JOIISI•..••.••..•..••.••...•..•..••.••..••..••..•..•••

I Am CaJJing lou Hall· To Become a Blues Musician

57 66

A Piece 0[SIJ7II1·............••...••....•....••.93 You are going /0 be a good man 94 TillY Pink Flowers 109 Attack o[the Pod Peoplc 122 SCJ7IfJ Moon.

Jason Wiltz

7kekc

Malachi McIntosh

1?etaiJ.

\'Y.l.\·S 10 Sical a c.1J:

127

138 157

FUGUE #25

Poetry Paul Pen}'

III the COf/1JIr)' \Vhere It /s AJII';I,l"S \1/inteL Mella lillie A/J: Bamey you lIi// die ((x/ay Alislin Hummell Obsession for Oee/ots Da\'id Lunde Birthright I)onald Le\'el;ng Spider Angie Wea\·er Beyolld AniCllJ.lfiOIJ Sheila Sinead McGllinncss Georgie Heron, Bit/em, Shrike Ell eI AsiJo Andrew Bradley C~·lItJlia J. Hollenbeck HO~I' \¥olter Kathleen McGookey The Next Bad TIling Gift HOJ"SC Deborah Owen ~loore He;111ng Disimegration larcia L Hlldow Going to the Nursing Home Daniel LUe...UlO 77JC Libido SUZClIC Bishop Hawl.1h H6ch Alana MCllin l\bhaffey Old Age.15 lVolf.

10 23 24

39 40 56 63 64

78 104 106 107

108 121 13.5 136 .

146

Contributors' Notes ....................................................• 176

Summer 2003

jane I'vicCafTel1y

Brother to Brother

The day he finds a rat behind a bag of potatoes in the kitchen cupboard is the day he calls his brother. It was the second rat of his life in the house on Ratchet Street. He knew he should never have consented to livc on Ralchet street, which one of the H~l/1tjllg.Jire-to路be-r.lllcjer neighbors pronounced "Ra-Chay" Streel. It was not Ra-Cha)' Street! Please! On Ralchet Street, a porch was always collapsing, rollen \\'ood the outward manifestation of spilitual demise. A fat child wilhout a coat always seemed to be Ollt on the sidewalk, scratching his head, wiping his nose on his sleeve. The loose dogs \rere mangy with cold grey eyes. That kind of streel. He'd lived there eight years. His brother imagined life was a dream for him. Compared to what? 'Vasn'l thai alwa}'s the queslion. 'Veil, compared to his brother's life in FishtO\\"Il, life was glorious. He had, for instance, someone 10 love named johnny.johnny was a decent historian and often spontaneousl}' ordered Otll for Thai food. johnny g<lye people nicknames. For illstance, lie called the 1l1;lIlnext dool'''Besotted" because the man had once asked him, "Did you know thaI God is besotted with you even if you are a homosexual?" Now he liked it whenjohnny said, "Besotted is oul there wateling his garden." Or "Besotted p.路uked his ugly car in our spot." It felt like enough, sometimes, to live with a man \\'ho had named another man "Besoned." ''''hen he sees the rat lurking behind the bag of potatoes, he runs out ofthe house with the telephone, and calls his brother. He's in his slliped pajamas. He wants to tell his brother that he knows how he feels. The rat terrifies him and makes him feel defeated, as he imagines his brothcr mllst feel, always. Ofcourse 6

FUGUE *25

he can't use the words, "I know ho\\' you feel," because they were oITensi\"e to the brother, as they are offensivc to anyone who lives in FishtO\\1l, where despair grows like old shoes from the tree branchcs, where loneliness claws your bare ankles when you step out of I1Isty shower stalls. And if yOli have a window ill Fishto\\'n, it will frame sickly lightning, or tattcred black clouds, and thunder orten takes on the voice of thc president. YOli have no real memories in Fishto\\11, and certainl~' no fish. The fish ha\'e been transformed into sparring knives of shame coming up from the darkness inside yOIl that delights in surprising yOli with ils endless depths. It's hard to eat because of those knives! In Fishtown, your children are Ihe children in other lands, the dying ones. YOlltTy to send them some money sometimes, but mostly you're afraid to go outside. And so rather than "I kno\\' ho\\' you feel" he tells his brol her the slory. "I was in the kitchen, yOli know,just trying not to have A.D.O., wondering why I'd come downstairs in the first placc, and I open this cupboard, and I think to myself, potatoes. Potatoes are good. Can't argue with the goodness of potatoes. Once a f.iend of mine made me a nice painting of a mountain of potatoes under midnight sky. He's currently penniless bllt so good heal1ed. So I bend dowll and st:U1 to pick out a few nice potaloes, figuring I'd make some hashbrowns 01' homefries and think of my friend the penniless painter, when suddenly the bag moves a lillie, and I'm face to face \\ith this big old rat, and I'm talking BIG, brother, and I jump up, and I'm shaking, you klJoll' how I feel about rats, and the I';}tjumps out of the cupboard, and stal1s to run across the kitchen noor, and he's like bigger than thaI black Buick Dad used to drive, remember, the one where we'd sit in the backseat holding on for dear life singingJackson Five songs too loudly because he was always under the innuencc? So then I grabbed the phone and ran oul into the rain and called you, and I don't c\'el'want Sumrnt:r 2003

to go back illlo lhat house again and I IImild go to a neighbor's house butllobody 011 Ratchet street likes me they think I'm a commie on top of being gay and iflhey knew I had a rat they'd say it was mYOWll f.1.uh, they'd say it \\ith their eyes, and besides, everyone's at work and I'm laid ofT and standing out here in my p.1iamas in the rain, so it's quite the lonely landscape." ""hat he means to say to is, my brothel; oh my lost brothel;

c.1n 't .1'0/1 see th.11 because II'e dung to one .1nother in the b.1ck se.1t o[that bl.1ck Buick in 197911hen YO//llere ill.1 holster .1nd a I'est wirh .1 COli boy star nothing can ner be meaningless? Our [ather dJO\'e into .1 field o[ COH'S ,1IJd g;lle Ibe con~ .1 speech then 5cle.1med ,1/u5 bec.1use Ire didn't laugh. And 50 lI'e laughed! He meant no harm, Ihat damaged man. And under the I"est .1"011 1I"OIe .I"Our l\J/i/l/lesom Vikings paj;mla shil1. Ihe leal"es amund LIS n"ele red douds, ,1nd this is 0111.1' mem01:\~ rising without leason. Rain needles his face. To bring lip their childhood would be (0 lake his brother's hand and press it to a hot burner. The empty neighborhood gelS emptier, as ifone of the houses has just jumped on" a clifT. His brother is breathing on the other end of the phone. He tells him he loves the sound of his brealililig. His brother says he's glad it's good for something. l'ol/who pummeled Raymond Bmckson in Ihe back o[St. IHary MagdeJ;m's when he called me f.1gg01 [or the flflh time hOIl'can you Ihink your li[e means /lothing? "Va/ked me home, stopping to dil路ide .r0ur orange alld dil'ulge .\"Our philosophy o[ lire, your lIIgent analysis o[ Neil Young's "El"erybody Knoll"s This Is Nowhere." TIle essence o[ this day nms in my leins. 8

FUGUE #25

He looks ha.ck al his house, and the rat is upstairs, framed in his bedroom window. II is all his [.1.ult for being a man afraid like this. Afraid of a fucking rodenl! All his [.1.ull. The raJ sticks his head through a hole in the screen. He stares dO\m at him. The ral looks interesled, patient. He tells the blDther this is happening. He tells him it feels like a sign. He tells him please, please, stay here 011 earlh wilh me, you'll find your way Ollt of Fishtown sometime, I plDmise. He looks over at Besotted's house. Closed lip, cI1I1ains drawn. \iVherc is Besotled when you need him? He tells his blDlher, "'iVe have this neighbor named Besotled who wears a toupee and dates a woman who is so [.1.1 she can't walk anymore. They say in America we'll all be too fat to walk in about fOl1Y years, at the rate we're going. I'm really looking forward to Ihal. Really. It'll be nicely slilTeal. And it'll be the tlllth, light? I mean, we're already gltlltons, so why llOt look the pal1? Right? ''''hy should a cOllntry of hogs look svelte? No mailer how much yOIl work Olll, you're still an American hog, am I right?" (He kno,,路s his brother feels accompanied when he talks like this.) His brother laughs a lillie. He is flooded with a warm feeling of gratitude for that small laughter. The rat has squeezed its [.1.1 ral-body Ihrough the screen. It is growing. SU'lJrise! It is changing. We all arc changing. Bllt it is changing faster than we are. It is a now a II-inged rat. That's two syllables rillging in his 1l1ind. \~'ing-ed. It is wasting no time. It is nying toward him in the rainy air. It is landing on his heal1. Such a grip it has. How hungry it appears 10 be as it burrows. It is gnawing on the bones of his heal1. Johnny is nowhere. The sky is racing away. He's forgotten every childhood prayer. He is sprawled on the street now. Is this how you feel in Fishto\\11, he asks his blDther, like a rat has landed on your heal1 and is gntl\\ing on the bones and won't SlOp, ever again, and nothing can pry it away? And his brother comes to life and says yes, sort of, you're gelling closer now, you're getting closer. Summer 2003

Paul Perry

In the Country Where It Is Always Winter After Picter Brcughel's Hunters ill Ihe Snow I am tired of romping inlhis cold beauly in a land withoullllemory where lbe wind and the snow ... I am l'ired of the \,OIUPluouslless of winler. This lown is unfamiliar, not e\'en as close as a cousin. The sky is a disheveled grey. The same pale colour as my brolhers' eyes. \Vhallhey are lhinking? I don'l know. \Ve h;we long since ceased 10 cOllllllunicate. \Vhal lise? It does nOl SlOP our wanderings. It does nol help us 10 escape this country. The coulllry where il is always winler. That these dogs are starving like lhe ragged souls of Ihis lown

does

1101

sUl"plise me. Did I say brolhers?

At one lime they were srrangers, blll when thaI was, I can't 5.1Y. And lhe dogs 100, vagabonds, strangers lhemselves, immune to disease. 'nley fotlow us as if we had anYlhing for lhem. You'd lhink they \I'ould run 10 the fire. bUl like for liS wannth of thaI kind is an illusion. \Vhal kind of purgatory is il whcnlhe tOWll'S people skate 011 ice? A lown called lemplation? If only we could Slay here.

If only there were some kind of salvation illlhe snow. TIle sound of the fire, dlllllb like the dreamless nights of sleep. "n1C children's voices I can hear, echoes in a well. As for the swallows their immaculale twisting rends nOlhing. 10

FUGUE #25

And the dogs, the dogs, no whilllpeling for these mulls. JUSI a slow siftingofthe while ground. Their anxious feel make the sno\\' a poor betrayer to the silence, a silcnce that lises like the dank smell of sllloke. A silence I have become nsed to. Hoary and full of echoes. I want 10 say lien a loved one behind, but I can't. t\hybe J did, but J don'l know no\\'. It"s been so long. I imagine what she would have looked like, But that again is another impossible task. I can't get bcyon<lthc hands. A chilly alabaster, slender. One last look 01110 the icc then. Ice so hard J can almost dream of another life beyond its Slllface. It ,alTies our stern reflections as we descend.

Look, the Irees Sland with a wracked and solital)' anguish. 'nley are like brinle black skeletons in the on-eoming Iwilighl. And like windmills Ihe children wave Iheir innocelll arms.

Summer 2003

Susa.nlla Lipp6czy Rich

-First Place EssayLullaby (Cradle Song)

J\lly Grandmother Munchy is stuffed when she dies, like the buck head snagging evil spirits bv the door. See the cobwebs in his antlers? That's evidence. Munchy sits-or ratller, is S<'lt behind mc-on the couch, wearing white lacc ringcrlcss gloves, her eyes propped open, her lips shaped into a smile. I ani sitting at the piano-an old black coffin-sized Shoningerwith its too many teeth, and, on top, the lamp, like a single burning eye. I play Munchy "Liebestraumc" and "Moonlight Sonata." We have trained me for this since I was ten ycars old-this scene she asks me to create-that she be stuffed when she dies. But first, go back. "Three. I am three." Fold my thumb lo\\'ard my palm \\ith my pinkie and work my middle three fingers from their bent bllnny~ar curve to straight and proud. That is how old I am. H.iml1/;l M;lg)';ll' ig;lzs.ig-"Three is Hungary"-the three of Fat her, Son, and Holy Ghost; the three of the red, while, and green nag; the three of the once-united Auslria, Hungary, Rumania. Someonc would ha\'e asked me, H.ill.\' ~路es \'rtg)'?

flJGUE #25

"Howald are you?" Hiny means "how many" in English. It also means "throw up." I am at the piano. I sit on a Ielephone oook on the black bench, and Munchy, her large breasts pressed into my back, grabs tile sides of the bench and pushes me in. The layers of pages pinch at the backs of my knees if I shifi my weight. I press my feet hard enough onto a pile of books onlhe 0001' so Ihat it will not lopple. II would nOI do if I toppled the oooks and made Munchy kneel all the 0001' 10 place tllenl again. jtlst so. No\\" Munchy is sitting next to me, to my right, on a separate chair. This is the dining room. Behind is the long table covered \\路ith dusty lace. In front, beyond the wall, is the kitchen. I want to be in the kitchell. Not sitting by the piano. Playing piano is not just lhe white keys, smooth, mysterious, perfectly next to each other, reaching so far to either side of me tllat even layillg m~' chin on them and stretching out my arms, I cannot reach, reach those wonderful bong, bong notes at one end, or reach the ping pings of angels' harps at the other end. This is not just the black keys, like steps to climb, like chocolate fingers. This is Grandmother sitting beside me, waiting. She is not happy. The score for Brahms's "Lullaby (Cradle Song)" is spread open onlhe nalTO\\' music shelf in front and above me. The paper is brO\\1lish, and lorn at the corner where it has been touched over and over to be tllllled. Here I will sitUlllil I play it right, as if I were silting in front of a plate of scared chicken livers I must eat before I can go into lhe garden to play in the mud. 1 mllst sit by the keys until I ca.n take those black notes all the p...ge and, as if with the invisible spots of moisture from my fingel1ips, press them onto the keys. And then, in the magic that is the inside of a piano, a soft felt hammer willtOlich a string. And it will speak back to me as if I had done nOlhing to make the soulld. I must touch and touch the keys. I must begin. Summer 2003

In her hand, MundlY has an orange stick, like a long wide pencil with no eraser and no point. It is one of my orange Tinker Toy sticks that I push into round Tinker Toy holes to make boxes and dogs and stars. Tinker Toys pa-int my hands red and yellow and blue and g,"een if I play with them too long. She is slapping this one into her palm and counting in Hungarian-slap E.g)', slap Keto, slap H.irom. Like a waltz. I call dance the waltz: step, step, step; step, step, step. Two black keys wait right in the middle of the keyboard, right in front of me. On the left is middle C- T5a_\~ Between is D-Day_ To the left is E-Aee. I hold my fingers over the keys. Spread them so they will reach toward the first notes. Lower my hands to just touch the cool slippery surface of the keys. Begin. For now, it's 1.1/.1h . .. /a 1.1 l.1h . .. 1.1 1.1. I will later sing it in English: Lull.1b.\~ and good nighl, liule oops •••• My finger slips. Start again. Ll lah, lalalah .... Ll, 1.1, Ow. Again. Stan all over again. At the beginning. LulJab_\~ and good, liule Stop. Look ,It it. Again. To the top of the page. Slap goes the stick ill MUlichy's ham!. LIIII.1b_\~ .11Jd good Not. This time I don't even get to the lit/Ie. Pock. Rap, sars the stick on the score. Munchy is hammering my stick on the score. She is leaving orange half moons on the page. Pock. Rap. Gel it right. This time. Lul/.1b.\".lIl-dgood/li... "Too fast," she says, "Slow down. NOW." It will be a ,'ery long time before I ,'·ork through the notes on this first line of this song entitled. Get them right. If I get to the end of the first line, I must come back to the beginning of the next. If I gel any nOle wrong, I must begin again with LuJJ.1br at the top of this page. And forever, until I get to those ghost half notes at the end-with no black centers, only a stem trailing lip like smoke or dowl1 like a walking stick on the bollom-those two eyes wilh their arched eyebrows stacked not side by side as they ollghtlo be-,,;II, unchanging, \rail.

FUGUE #25

l\hmchy and I are home alone. She is the day. My mother-my mother doesn't happen during the day. She works and I do not see her. She is the nighL Almas!. Even at night she is alit, as Munchy pUiS it, doing her husiness. l'vly father h,'cs elscwhere. He is Sundays and Christmas and Easter. MUllchy is also my night. Pay attention. Begin again. This time, I go one Ilole at <llillie. I alll get ting it right. E,' er y note of it. LuJJ.l b,l' .l/Id go od /Ii ghr. Crash. A hall) falls on J\llunchy's end of the piano. It is m~' stick cracking dO\'ll on the keys. Playing wrong nOles. "Stop that," she yells, to me, "Pby it right." I don't say ;U1~1hing. Or I won't remember if I do. All I hear is Munchy's Stop. No. Go Back. And lhen SlOP and the stlings Il<lIllmered inside the black box of the piano. Then only what the stick can do-in Muuchy's hand, on the score, 011 the angels' hall), on .... "Spider fingers," Munchy says, "Make spider fingers." My fingers are naughtily small. If I do not curl a finger, the nat of it might pby more than one key al a time,jam LIIJJandh.\~ one note on top of nighlgoodJuJJ auolher. Anyhow, go back. Look at mygodlatherjulian's fingers in the photograph. He is a world-famolls concert pianist. See how his fingers are curled. IVly f.,ther wOllld come back if my godfather Jll1iall were Ilere. So I am supposcd to become my godfalher]ulian, 100, a world路 famous concert pianist. So I cramp up my hands to make spiders that dance. My godhther]ulian practiced all day. Olga Mama, his mother, beat him 10 the piano with a broom, swept him along, hitting his butt as if it were a big clump of dust. I am lucky that Munchydoes not use a broom. Only the stick. Mine. And a Sh0l1 one, at that. MUllchy and I both know that she will nevcr be a concel1 pianist. II is not something I actually think when I am three years old. It's just the air we breathe. As long as I will know her, she will play the same tillie, the only tllne that she Summer 2003

will know to pla~1 by heal1 at the piano. The Hung;uian words, in translation, are The IlntJd is be;llJtifil1 bec:luse lJl_'- bab.\路 Jo\es me. Every time we go inlo company, or company comes to us, or there is an abandoned piano in the corner of a church basement or in a dep.1.11ment store, or if ever there were one on the street, she would sit at the piano and play the S<'lme tune. ''''e \\ill all cringe, hoping she will get to the part beyond which she forgets the orchestration. And we will be relieved. But then she will stal1the thing all ovcr again, from the beginning. And she will have 10 sing. She \\ill also spend fifty more years picking alii the notes of a thousand HUIl!f<uian songs she willlranscribe into a handWliuen book. It will be wondclful, how she will remember all the words of all the verses by he;u1. And she will pick oul the nOles mostly wit haul looking atlhe keys, only all the paper. She has pelfecl pitch. But she \\ill not be a concel1 pianist. And tllat's not Ihe point-Munchy's being a concen pianist. AI her age, she doesn't havc the hands anymore. Go back. Her mother had the hands. "She played like an angel," I\'lullchy says, "The men surrounded her. She had bille, blue eyes." My eyes are brown. And by a child's logic, how could I then play like all angel? There's e\'en a Hungarian sOllg: "The beautiful have blue eyes." In a pholograph, a woman who is supposcd 10 be Mllnchy's mother in a long dress sits by a baby grand. Her mouth and eyebrows are drawn in with an eyebrow pencil thai Munch)' sharpens \\ilh a k.nife. I see herdo Ihis.lt's .1 photograph If'S supposed to be fmc. It makes me feel helpless. Mllnchy's mal her ill Ihe photograph half 1l1111S back from the piano, one blob eye look.ing olll al us, the othcr eye, because of the pencilling, seems to \\<tnder, really 10 be smeared in Ihe efTol1 to look IowaI'd a little girl in a nltll, on her toes. The little girl's allllS are raised in a cirde to frame her faceshe's looking tlpwanl, to heal-en, I'm sure. She seems 10 noat on a narrow windowsill. She is supposed 10 be Mundi}' as a 16

FUGUE #25

lin Ie girl. l\'ly suspicion is Ihat the woman in the rcal pholograph \\~lS nol looking at Ihe lillIe girl, bUI al another little girl in the corner wilh her dog. Munchy's mOl her had 10 have new eyes dra\111 for her 10 look at Ihe ballerina. The ballerina seemed pasled in, almost like a dream bubble in a cartoon. So we're supposed to go back. Someone in the family has 10 become a concel1 pianist, play well enough so thai Ihe lillie two-loed IIlH1ed girl-like a pink ballerina in a jewelry box-can grow inlo a more pelfecI music. My mOlher has to do her business. My Uncle Frank has to wander the streets at night praying the "Our Father" aloud while carrying a suitcase filled with rocks for God. My stepgrandfather me1ozik--->,mrks like a slave-in a steel faclory so thai his face almoslmehs off. My half-uncle Muki? He gels out of having to be a conCCl1 pianist. How he gelS out of it, I don't know. He's five years older Ihan me and he hates me !xxause MuncilY sils with me at the piano. Sometimes he and I will playa P<111iclIlar song on the piano logelher. It never has a name. Moslly it is played on the black keys. It makes il lim (like eating mocha cake before-or instead of-supper) to be playing only the black keys. And Ihis song we call play by crossing our lefl hands over Olll- I-ighl (or Ihe other way), and crossing our hands over each other's-we can play wilh our fisls-jusl rolling Ihenl along Ille tops of either Ihe double or the triple banks of black keys. No jl/st so spider fingering. Muki and I play it together-he 011 the bass keys, I 011 Ihe treble-we race each other-who can go faster and leave the other behind; go faster and make Ihe olher olle SlOp because it hurts 10 have one's knuckles rap aJong the keys. Since I have practice al pain al the piano, I usually win. This is not good. l'vluki has ways of making me pay: 100 b.1d, B.1b.1! he says in English. Munchy calls me b.1ba, Hungatian for "doll." ''''hen she says baba I feci special. BUI Too b.1d, Bab.1! Too bad! Muki says, and J feel wild. I win al our piano game, but it's Too bad, Baba! Too bad! I don'l even Summer 2003

know what is too bad, only Ihat it is too bad 10 have someone taunting me wilh too bad. It could have been anything repealed, even Hail Mill~\; H.1il M.1J~I~ Hail Mal'); Hail that I couldn't stop, no malleI' how much I screamed or cried to make it sto~ Ihal over-and-over of the same thing. I am sitting wilh I'vlllnchy and it's the same old lab lillalah and I can't get up, and she won't gel up unlil I play it all the way through-and right-evel'Y last note of it. And \\ith passion, yet. The piece is only lwo paired staffs long. But il slullers. Ir every mistaken nole I played were wrinen out, it would have filled page after turned page of the book. Then there's my weak fingel; on both hands. It is the one Ihal my father calls This-piggy-had-nollc when I ,'isil him. \路Ve play it in Hungarian: he wiggles each of my fingers between his 0\\11 thumb and pointer finger: This liale piggy went 10 markel. This little pigg)' sla,\'ed home. This little pigg)' had roast beef. And this little piggy bad lIone. And this litlle piggy /;Ill At\AALLthell'.1.dJOmc. And Ihen my father路s hand-wilh the black ring on his piggy that has nOlle and his lhumb which is all black where he hammered it, which I expect will be black forever since it is now-races up my arm and to my neck where he tickles me until my neck hurts from laughing.

BUljustlike my r.1.ther who comes for me in a black car and bt;ngs me home in his black car but never gets all the way to our front door, all the way into the hallway, AAAt\Uthcl1'a,dJOmc inlo the dining room where my lillie piggies are silling on the edges of Munchy's piano keys-my lillie piggies that have none can 'I lift, can't be like the little piggies Ihal have beef, the lillie piggies thai 11l1J AAAALLthcl1'ilyhome. Not with their having no beef nor no way 10 unmisbehave themselves 10 go home. The pinkie has to do all of the hauling for the ring finger 10 rise. Or ii's up 10 the middle finger (which doesn't mean anything to me yet). 18

FUGUE #25

One oflhe tricks for making the fOUl1h piggies do what they are supposed to do is to tie a slIing to them and the II work the string from above, as if making a m;uionette walk. Tie the slrings to the fingers and make them lift like spider legs. I am lucky, because I am not the only olle with a weak piggy that has none. l\'lunchy says that famous pianists had to have their fingers raised liked Ihat. But I do not get real strings tied to them-I'm not sure why. Maybe because I work them so hare!. Maybe because it \\'ollld make it 100 easy. Anyhow, I do not want strings tied to my fingers. I am afraid of 1'\'lunchy standing behind me pulling them tip, while I pull on her strings to push on the keys, and inside the piano hammers not being able to reach their strings to make the right music so I can go. I am not happy \\ith my hands. Always they seem 10 do, or rather not do something Munchy wanls. And she is unhappy. She can't help that she is so unhappy. Her father died when she was a lillie girl. And then her mother died because she caught a cold from sitting Oil his grave. And the Russians made Munchy leave Hungary. And she had 10 eat bluebenies and mushrooms in the forests of Germany. And my Uncle Muki didn't have milk, only caraway SOllp. Because of all that MUllch)' has such a long nose. She clies allihe time and pulls on her nose. If only I can make her happy, then evel")1hing will be all right. She wilillot cry. She will not slap my stick. I want 10 give her my hands so that she can make them do what she wants Ihem to do. Then she will not have to hit her palm with my stick. Then she will not have to hit the page. She will not have to hit anything. Over time, I become an experl at first halves: one of t\\"o lines of Brahms's "Lullaby," a half page of his "Hungarian Dance." Because I'm supposed to get il righl before I can move 011, I only play two of the 99 ÂŁ'lS." Piano C/;lssics in the SumJTlCr 2003

Music (or E\路el~路o1Je book. As l would later see, only "Lullaby" and "Hungarian Dance" are marked on the "Comenls" page for me, and only later notc that Ihe first song in Ihe book is "011, Sllsanna." Had the book, itsclf, had enollgh ofnle, or (or me? \路Vhen, at ten yC<lI'S old, I draw a IlC\\" coyer for the old music book, l pcncil a grand piano with Hungarian vinuoso Franz Liszt sitting at it on a very low bcnch. The buttons on his coal are turned toward us, as if he were reluctanl to face the music. The corner of his month, in profilc, is so dejected, that it looks like a comma, a line thai almost lops off his chin, or configures a mouth as open, ironically enough, as Miinch's "The Scream." My Liszt is strclching his arms out like a sleepwalker toward the keyboard, bUI he has no ringel'S. And his dot eye looks bemuscd. His legs are contol1ed, as if his knecs are bellt all the way inward, inslead of the normal outward; looking, more truly, like they belongcd to someone else kneeling away from Ihe pedals, facingoul. In capitallettel'S, I wrotc the lellers 1\1 U SIC on lOP of the TXl.ge, with the wings of eighth and sixteenth nOles feathelillg lip from the vel1ical lines. But I digress. Go back: I am at the piano and l\1unchy has given up 011 me for the moment, goes into the kitchen. And while she is in the kitchen stirring pig lung and hoof Slew, l am to do my scales. She is listening. The easiest is the C scale-all 011 while keys, no lifting Illy fingers to or off the black. I lean to the left-careful to lighten my legs, bend my weight over the books, so I don't topple myself and them down-and start at Ihe boltom C thai bongs like an old church bell when someone dies. C scales can be happy when Munchy does not see. It doesn't matter when I -C-llick my llHlmb under-lJ- my other fingers, -~doesn'l malleI' when I reach my third and -F- fourth fingers -Gover my pointer -A- to move -13- 10 the next set of seven keys -C-. Only I have to press lightly with my thumb that can 20

FUGUE #25

pl"ess Illllch harder, so no note sounds stronger than the other does and she calls alit ''''here is your thumb? Press lightly so she doesn't come out to see my third and fourth fingersjllmping 100 soon or 100 lale, jumbling to get 10 the next octave. Press lightly with my Ihulllb, so she won't kllow that I'm doing il wrong, will only hear my slow plod from note to nOle turn-in lime, ill response to her (.lstel; I.ister-into a long rippling fmlll Ihe sad, s.l.d bass notes 10 the glad in the middle, 10 the tiny linkling fade of treble and then b.'1ck down again, going back down again, all thai going back thai she loves to the beginning, 10 retlieve all that sad music only to have her and the piano sing-(.ls1el; I.istcl'-back up to hea,'en. And keep, too, both my hands logether: my right not impatiently running ahead, while my lefl lags, confused, halting; or m)' lefl nipping at the heel of my right, /ike .1 dog, she says-the two hands not knowing or caring how Ihe other one wants to go, and making Munchy come back into the room, with a weI lowel, perhaps-with unhappiness, for Sllre. ''''hen she is in Ihe kitchen, whell the cymbals of her pal lids, the thud and wack of her wooden spoon, Ihe riot of bubbles ill the pol, the slam of refrigerator make a symphony wilh my scales and the~1 grow louder and lander alld she 110 10llger has a need 10, 1101' does call 0111, no longer lislells 10 Ihe sounds I do or don't make-the greal month of the piano falls open for me to crawl in on its red velvet pads. It plucks the notes on its OWll for which some day I would have words. \"'hen I am ten years old, past hope for being a child prodigy, surrendered to olherpiano teacJlers and dance teachers and acting teachers, my grandmother describes, to me alone, how she is to be interred--or, rather, in relrospect, deterred. Although the room where she described herself sitting with ;lITI1S raised, holding the dome of hea"en is gone, as is the building in which it was sllspended, as is she, I still go back in Summer 2003

memory 10 ,isit, as if, ill Ihis \\lilillg, 1 may play illighl, allasl, Oil a difTercllI keyboard, perhaps, bUI one Ihat may soolhe and satisfy her. Ll.IJlaby and g()()(J night, lI";th roses bedight. 'Vith ljlies bespre.ld baby's wee bed.

L1Y thee dOlI1J nou" and rest, M.1Y thy slumber be blessed, Ll.\" thee dOll"n 11011" and rest. May lhy slumber lx' blessed.

fUGUE '25

J\lleua Little

Mr. Barney you will die today '''our woman she is nOI slOic bUI she's holding herself logcther fine. Her body is sleepy wilh \7Lliulll bUI nonelheless fiery. She is 011 ovcrdt;\"c; nol allll1ade up like your fliends' women who gcl all wcepy and keep locks of hair. Russian girls arc rcal broads and you mighl be lucky 10 havc had her, Ilhink.

Summer 2003

Austin Hummell

Obsession

fOT

Ocelots

Dallas Zoo researchers, looking for ways to s..l\'e the ocelot by em"ouraging the endangered cats 10 breed, hal'e fOllnd a scellllhat dlives them wildCakin Klein's Obsession for J\len. (CNNI It was a mt made of musk and a lucky guess, when sollle novice

at the Dallas Zoo splashed CK 01110 the hacks of the disappearing cats. It had bcentoo lllllch to li\'e caged

wilh lhe scent of rainforest fading, to be kd by buckels and docks, lhe rounds of troul slripping the \im from pursuit, the lllon:lancy from hunger, The sex we call animal is lost on thclIlThe itch for leather, the rush of handcuffs, the transgressions of the lllouth and the dnlllkelllo\'e of strangers. BUltoday they track lhe cologne lhat draws e\'ery sex of eighlh grade lhrough the

gloss~'

pages of heroin chic,

the same scent Ihal draws a bulimic waist 10 the oily face of a boy tying a belt around his biceps, the scenllhallells us desire FUGUE #25

is beyond ollrcontrol, a cage 11'01111 paying for, lhal what we wanl, really wallt, is blond, sl:'l"ing,

and bored 10 extinction.

Sum~r

2003

,--,

Holly leigh

-Second Place EssayCascade

f1./ItlJe unhurried cI.1.\Il'OlII' mind lay open like klli,"es. -Philip L.rkin

clr;IIH..,. of

On July 41h , I ride cradled in the air, quietly blasting through sr.>.1.CC in my steel cylinder on an invisible pathway, steered by coordinates and illuminated dials. I sillk into thejel engines' drone tlla! walls olT the outside, the 1),1.ssellgers fronl eadl other, and fix on Illis blank, yet senlre COCooII. Not unlike a hospital's iutensive care unit. Like the rasping hum of the ,-entilalor, this steady thl1.lm connects me to a place where oxygen takes up your whole world, where shadows walk the periphery. Bu! pure oxygen crushes you. ~nle '-ent, too much work. forces in dry harsh air and you must catch.up 'lith c'-ery brcath. In thc hollow tube, I sit, empty of emotion. How blissfully easy it is to se'-cr all calthly tics. I know a secret, stay transient. it's all about motion. In the blind logic of time-tl'~l\"e1, 1 race toward Seattle. Utterly unaware of the coming telltUn, I forget that beyond the balm offlicndship, raw wounds open before they heal. A sudden glare shoots across the J>..1ge of my book from the plane's p0l1al. I push up Ihe eyelid shade and blink. Undemeath me a sea of frosty peaks rolls Ollt in frozen salute. Thc plane's aluminullI belly skims low over milcs of mClingue mountains. Only black ledges break the pristine white glaze and tiny pines blislle ill scallered rows. Endless snow-sheets, reflacling the sun's light, scintillate diamond sparks under the cool bend of a sapphire sky.

AJGUE '25

On wild paralyzed wa,路es, crested wilh snow路foam, the plane is now a silver Oying fish streaking across an ancient oceanic surface. Quivering with the privilege of this spiry view, I ask the passenger in the aisle seat, "''Vhat are these?" !\'lomenlarily, his gaze lifts past tile nickering green letters on his laptop screen and he gnmls, "Cascades." For years, J traveled in while sterile worlds, rolling do\\"n hospital corridors crammed with cal1s, hampers and looming high-tech machines in dinosaur-like poses. Ou one night, on one road, a carfire erased m)' f.l,ce. After several days the burn claimed my right arm, then it took my remaining fingers. But I soared on my nlorphintXIrip. Husky dogs plilled me on sleighs through whirling snow and in more fevelish stales I lived in a sandcastle. I embarked on the most intimate journey-under the skin. A naked body, parts missing, a purple map of grafts down olle leg, stripped in the shower or on the cold OR table for a room full of clothed strangers. "You're lucky," I heard. "A reason for everything," many said. Wisdom from those who fUllction fine, who look ordinary. I shuttled all the safe routes between doctors, rehab, and fancy prosthetic workshops. But in the \\ider world, I felt like a spy or some criminal always in a changing guise. No OIlC would ever recognize me, I didn't recognize myself. In Seanle, I walk through lhe aill)()11 gate and into Skye's arms. Now he is Dr. Jeff Silvcrstein, a biogcneticist. But the same dark wavy hair, dark eyes and the deliberate bass~low voice reassures me, as always, of a depth and a rare llnOinching heart in the world. Like an ccho climbing out of his lean and still gangly height, his voice sOllnds ancient, from beyond the grave. We met our first day freshman year at college. He is the most unhurried person I know. Between high school and Colgate, JeO路 spent nine nlOnths bicycling all fifty states. Only variolls disheveled poses nexl to all the "Welcome to ..." signs document his odyssey.

Summer 2003

Halfway Ihrough college, he lef! to cycle around Japan and perform fieldwork on his biology passion: worms. VVe followed each olher'sjolll'lleys mostly by mail. As a biologist Skye found a niche field in Sepllllkulet worms. He lectured ill the Stales, traveled to Venezuela, Ihen moved back to japan. During my freefall, he kept up Ihe correspondence. The blue airmail envelopes reached my hospital's burn unit and later the drab rehab hospital that I shull led between for fifteen months. Skye packed his 10llg letters \\路ith hilarious episodes 011 the japanese subway where his heighl and shoesize were whispered about ulllil he alarmed his Clilics by answering their musings in Ouentjap.l.nese. He look me on tours of volcanic rims and gave me worm species updates. I envied his creative compass, a wondering wanderer and was grateful for stich sharing. And I enlbraced utterly his description of disorientation; Ihe seizillg o\路erwhelming willingness lojust let go. Insanity, he \\Tote, could be so voluntary, as simple as stepping off a sidewalk curb. He signed ofT 011 the fragile tissue-sheets of paper with \路-shaped birds and a cloud. I had plized this undamaged long-distance friendship and vowed not to let it lapse. I had (ome to catch lip. Shoes off at the door, I finally meet Aim, his Korean wife. She lays limp on the noor, victim to morning sickness that lasts all day. He wrote how they had coaxed romance from the limited vocabulary of a second Ianguage]apanese class. How they spent a sleamy summer in a Chinese forest without electricity or I1l1lning\\'ater and how for Skye these were the happiest months he had known. After tutelage in jap.l.nese fish f.l.rming, Skye and Aim settled in Seattle, temporarily, at an isolated salmon hatchery in the fresh-water of L1.ke \"'ashington. Ahn repeatedly correcled her English teacher that she did in fact Ii\路e in, not on or next to, the Ll.ke. Now their futons fit in the spartan quarters of the leftover Navy barracks. MOSI of my visit, Aim retreats oUlside at the sight or smell of meals. \Ve cajole her out on only one

FUGUE #25

Summer 2003

scolding me, you'll see, you'll see, he says. TIlen wc cut abo,"e the c1oud路linc. Another sea of snow peaks props up the horizon. Skye tells me thesc '"cry rccent mountains stand a sheer waUto the watel"'; they canoe the edge of a continent. He apologizes for forgening the sweatcrs but for thirty minutcs I maryel, Slick in the chilled ether of my virgin high路altitude experience. Skye suggests a shOl1 trail walk along a sloping pine needle p<1.th. There arc no railings and if yOIl wish, you can simply stcp ofT into the cobalt sky. l\'llIle deer \\ith malchstick legs walch us. My balance is still shaky and I feel precariolls without hands. Still, filming over lhe face comments, ] need 10 enact some defiance againsl my disfigured, hapless body. The brisk temperature revs me up beyond caution. Straddling a log, I slip as the sofl needles roll, a red gash streaks m~' inner calf. Still sliding, Skye catches my stump arm and pulls me oYcr. TIle most difficult test of moulllain climbing, James 5.1.ltcr s..1.~'S in his nO\-eI Solo F.lf'CS. is not the ascent but the coming d0\\11, the retulll to cvcryday lifc. I know it is both the attraction and the weight of solitude and silence of fashioning your own landscape. It remains the promise and the dread of the blank p<1.ge, I..he empty cam"a5. Aim and Skye retulll for two yeal'S to a remote island in NOl1hemJapan for research work and I slmggle to assemble my new identity back in Boston. I start a graduatc degree in between surgeries. For a while. hospitals afTer sancllIary. Snowed with morphine. held together by stitches, '\Tapped in bandages, I keep up the role of professional patient that lasts for nine yeal'S. In thc inncr sanctum, lhc OR, I embracc thc numbing chill and always cschew Ihe warming blankels. Rows of gleaming silvcr clamps and scalr~ls on their stcrile draped trays raise the stakes of hope. E,"eryone beliC\"es surgeons \\ield scalrx~ls like sih"erwands that can shed surf.1.ces and refine millS.

FUGUE 125

At m;u;nas, I ha"e watched mates gut their calch wilh Ihe sharpest of blades. This image shadows me. Swiping deftly down to red flesh, the knives leave all the flecked fish scales, a shower of pale silver confetli spangling the blood smears up and dO\\ll the dock. The worst P<1I1 of any hospital stay is the suffocating confinement, the \\indom; that do Ilot open. I nIeel one surgeon, briefly, who asks me first thing when was the last I swanl in tile ocean? He comes from South Ahica and is very kind. I cannot swim because I still wear a li01Ch. But I am restless all the time. I tlO1vel and sometimes \\'Iite about it, so the notebook I can}' acls as a shield and I have an answer for people who ask what I do all day. BUI from my solitary perch, the world seems searing, loud, full of sharp edges now. I confront the glassy unrelenting stare of the mirror every day, I assume I kno\\' what is and is nol there, Ihal some progress has been made. But you stop belie\'ing the nurses and inlel1ls who lell you over and over how good yOll look when every chal1 or Op-repon reads: seyerely disfigured young woman or severe r.'lcial deformity patienl in her 30's .... Then I deal wilh the daily assault of public opinion. Strangers tell me I am either tragic or inspiring or ask me if I've found jesus. I have been mislaken for male, a panhandler, a mugger, e"en a mannequin. I Ir;n'C! 10 make kaleidoscope changes to Ihe view; dutifully record Ihejourney, but I do not yel see the signposts or recognize the clues. In Seattle, I sought 10 trace my p..1.SI, locate a bl'idge Ihrough Skye to an identity nearly wiped oui. \iVhen he plied, asking how I am changed by this clippling experience, I answered in a short lemper. You remain the same jerk or not Ihal yOll were before, I said. I cannot verbalize how trauma and injury crystallizes a person, dislills and defines evcl~1hing. And how sheer essences are not enough 10 keep anyone 'afloat.

Summer 2003

TIle bla/lk p'-lge, djlTiCllll mjnDJ~gjles back ou{l'lI'lJa/.lOllllue. --George Seferis, Summer Solslice, 1966

july 4'h, again, for my second Seattle visit. Skye is finishing his doctorate and I am invited into the new f;ulJily rhy1hm of five-month old Rosie, in addition 10 three-year-old Max, who was born in japan. Max's portrait of his Asian inheritance shows him decked out in silk on a throne complete with a crown. Skye explains the photo is his one-hundred days picture, a leftover commemoration for when it was a feal for children to sllrvi,-e that long. I\'iax is mischievous, teasing his dad with the Korean he picked lip on a recent trip to AIm's family. Even on the holiday weekend, we drive over 10 the fish Jabs. Skye nips Ihe lights to sho\\' me the computer monitors rigged to an alalTll at home in case ofglitches or a power outage. I am struck b~' the non-fish smell. Over the humming rush of climate-conlrolled water churning in call1dmn-like ,~ts, Skye names his charges: Chinook, sockeye, chum, coho, and the silver 5.1.lmon. E.1.ch fish fits a niche. I like knowing hidden inside a good-sized ri\'er, Chinook stick to [he mainstream, coho find the small tributaries, sockeye spawn only in lakes. Pink 5....lmoll males grow hunchbacks and other males' jaws distort inlo 5.1.vage--looking hooks. That they trausmute so drastically amazes me. And pinks [hat spa\\1l ill lower streams with a quick exit to the ocean never need spots; their coloring is "bright chrome." Varying sizes of fry, smolts, fingerlings thl~sh under the nets covering their tanks when we peer in, expecting food pellets. Skye nets and places Se\"el,t1 "mlullteers" in a bucket. Silting on stools by the counter, I \\~tch him guillotine each fish spine with a razor and then pluck out popcorn-size brain lobes with tweezers. His project tl~ces how fasting in migJ~tillg fish im'olvcs genetic wiring for clues in obesilY genes in people. Skye consoles me somewhat by telling how the japanese lab

FUGUE #25

scientists offer incense prayers and thanks for the s.l.crifice the research fish have made. \~le \'isit the fish ladders built ill the locks, where windows show a few fish propelling againslthe current in murky green water. I flinch remembering our grade school films. The early imprinl of the mysterious and poignant journeys, the nalliral forces of Cariball migrations and salnlon flinging their sih'er bullet bodies lip the falls only to spawn and rot as birds and bears devoured their eggs and decaying carcasses in a feast. At fi\'e 0'clock 011 the Montauk docks, in Long Island, where I spent many summers, people milled about investigating each boal's haul. Bluefish, bluefin, flounder were the staples as were the sharks that tourist'S and kids insisted on prodding and kicking. I wished just once one would snap back or, in reflex, chomp on an arm. But the stars of the dock displays were the six, eight 01' even thousand pound lunas thai hung winched tail end lip. I could never reconcile tiny tuna cans \\'ith these shimmering silver giants. No longerdiscarded for cat food.Japanese agents in dark suits stood ready to bid en0ll110US sums. The iced tuna, carefully packed, flew tojapallese auctions to be bid on again. All to end in delicate sushi slices, the luscious red plimped on rice, the white plates lending the cOllll'ast. Sushi and 5..1.shimi are raw pelfection, a blend so sensual and barbaric, when lhe moist satin morsel rests on a longue, and teeth sink sofli}' through, flesh melts into flesh. For this aesthetic design in the high al1 of flesh, Asians lise the term l1lilgU1'O for the lood of l.>elfection. Like the hovering Oriental mOlmtainscapes on scrolls or Ml. Fuji prints, Mt. Rainier's ghostly 14,000路.foot presence looms like an optical illusion outside Seattle. Rainier's blue and gray-toned base blends with the sky so the sno\\'cap floats on air. Of course, Rainier beer also emblazons the image on silver beer cans everywhere. Afler my Olympic awakening IaSI visil, I wanl to walk on this mountain, so temptingly close. BUI ils sheer size distol1s Summer 2003

the real distance. Aim, ~Jax and Rosie sleep for mOSl of the three路hour dli"e but when we reach the s\\itchba.ck climb up Paradise Ro.'ld, Rosie wails like a siren from the backseat, her delicate ears popping. Somehow, I feel cheated by this ascent, too easy, and when we reach abo"e tree line the cool serenity ofquiet space ends in a parking 101. Snow mehs \\ith the gJimc frolllthe cars and kids hammer slush..t>.Llls from trampled areas marked fragile by sl11all signs. A mismatch of people trek up the slippery p.'lth in Sh0l1S, salis, p.'ltcnt leather shoes, sandals and clogs while hikers with ski poles, boots and pick axes dangling from their packs swagger by. Skye takes Max on his shoulders lip lhe vertical icecaked path. Aim with Rosie and J hah by a bench just where the thaw reaches the walking route. Water trickles around our sneakers, the stln's warmth f.路1.IIs like a shawl. Aim's English is so deft now, she dissects any unknO\\ll phrase in an allack mode. "Max came home from pre.school with the word 'slOrmy,' this is a word?" she gasps. \Ve laugh and I think how this woman endures changing cultures and languages a third time. AIm re\i"es me by ull\\Tapping a lunch treat of her sushi jewels: glistening dabs of orange roe rolled \\ilh radish, fish and cucumber in seaweed lice b.'Ulds. Dumplings folded like presents, the kimchi and fiery pickled peppers lx>ost my illlake of this scene, and the nod that \\ithout pan:d ro.lds I could not sit atop this lucent mountain and breathe in such thin crisp air. I only \\ish a code of1"C\'erent silence could be instilled for nallll'al sluines. I \\ish parks and zoos could be as hushed as libraries. \路Ve head the cal' down for the long drive b.lck but pull into a small lot midway down. Aim Slays with the kids but Skye leads me over a low stone bridge where a I1Ish of water hlll11es underneath. ,"Vood pieces bank dirt steps cur\'illgdO\\1I a steep but gradual p.'lth. \~rater roars behind a tree screen until we reach the viewing ledge where the spray smokes lip like a cauldron sp.'l\\lling rainbows ill every direction. Looking up, f1JGUE '25

the while water falls over a wide swalh of rocky niches. dancing in a liquid dress and now I know cascades. Small \\ild roses add a faim scent but the now drO\\lls out even the d;unoling mices. J IlsuaJly I).-ur\\"atertlickling, the pL'l~ful fountain sounds. \\ith piano keys tinkling. But this tonent spectacle is no pi;U10 tremble or Pan whispeJillg on his reed nute but an insistent plimal song of water and rock, a tidal chant, a \"oiccless song of descent. I scribble this haiku in later, next to a lame sketch of the waterfall in my journal notes. Opelling their heaI1S ice and water become liiellcls .lg.1ill-:-leishitsu

During college, Skye and I took Japanese Lilel"aillre logelher because il blended my literature milior wilh Jeff's emerging Asian interests. \o\'e read Kawabata, Basho, and Issa. \Ve watched the stunning, silent ''''oman of the Dunes. Swept awa~' by the calligraphy, the language challenges and Professor Azawa's chalisma, Skye meshed his lIew Im"e \\ith his biology m.-.jor. I focllsed mainly on the poetry and sake. Already then, Skye was dr;l\\ing his life, designing a joul1le~r, while I just browsed, trolling along. ow I feel frozen at the age of the accident, stuck at twenry-dlree, unable to loosen the noose ofa fealful plummet. I rel~' solely on books, reading and sclibbled suspicions. Across depths I c;umol possibly fathom. I tie buoy nags, hoping unconsciously for "epiphany tied 10 Iheme, a search." The FOllrth ofJuly mists up Ihe barbecue, perfeci for Seallie. \'Ve grill tofu, veggie burgers and pile the plates wilh more sushi and wasabi. The company is splil belween American and Asian. Only the Korean volcanologist and I ;u"e hampered by our language limits. I both admire and resent all the worlds these people navigate in their mixed families, professions, hobbies and geography while I tl";I.\"e1 nat, prone from one operation to the next. Summer 2003

Ahh, the women coo m"er Rosie's f.1.ir skin and auburn hair, this one has a \,Vestern face, they mmnlllr. I am intrigued by the sudden spillover here. Defiued by appearance, who belongs where, a comfol1 in the bhllTiug of borders-by face. My plaue departs soulh aud rising from the flat cardboard ground we skim Rainier's crest, puckering up to the sky. "Don't be alarmed, we are not as close as we seem," says the pilot. The car-filled parking 101 is a mere glint on this brooding glacial hulk that my postcard says Native Americans named Tacobet or Tahoma, The Mountain that is God. I find myself jealous of the mountain's crevasses, scarred gulfs, and snowy veins, so admired, though it hides its thumping mohen heart deeply buried for now. Inside a museum, back in Boston, an exhibitlmes me by a magical promise of miniature landscapes wrought from stone. I had never heard of Chinese scholarly rocks. Bllt here the~1 stand or squal, silent and glossy. They depict mostly moulltain forms, peaks, overhangs, mesas. Staring, absorbing these esotelic rocks you also imagine a kinship with the fOllller owner. A subtle current of shared brooding beyond time. Suddenly yOll see the imp.l.ct of empty spaces; clefts, granos and bridges hold the spitit, named here as the Abodes of the Immortals. But I fall in love with the notions of asymmCl.11'. Shapes were plized for uniquejaggeduess, their weather-beaten age, all the layers that lend depth. Beforejapanese rock gardens, I leam, both the Chinese and Koreans collected glossy and rough rocks from underwater caves, mounling them on canoed wood stands or even roots for meditation. By virtue of their 0\\11erS' starrtS, the rocks take 011 literary flair, being immortalized in poems or depicted on scrolls. One Indy tree-shaped rock, named so, was owued by a poet known as the l\'faster of Five \o\'illows since he lived wilh five willow trees in his ~Iard. This blurring of inner and outer fOlTI1S with famas)' and poetics only has me primed for pulling

FUGUE '25

b.1ock a c1ll1ain,to rake up my interior. I keep on mo,"ing, reading, seeking, sllirting scenes. . . . Thill aJllhe dingy hospital of snoll/Dies back 10 ditches. .. . bus.,' lIilh resllnectioll, so,"ereigll lI'illers/Col1fel' .lmoug Ihe 1'0015, causing to l.ll1 from p.ltient memory lorestfuls ofgliet: -Philip l;trkin

One year later, Jul~' lSI creeps in with a hOI breathy breeze, arter a very lale cold spling. II is a day on which yOIl feel your pulse, your skin dampening, aware of your lxxly as a vessel. I duck into the cool confines of a deli called The Cascades in Hudson, New York. Another humble river town coming back from the blink of ruin. Nestled dO\\"ll ""arren Street, the revived antiques row for lourists, The Cascades whispers to me how even a physical place can shih, be transplanted, its very idea ahered. I p.l.use, checking if I have crossed some threshold but take comfort in the echo of other Julys and this version of all East Coast cascades. All old building, they keep the old Ooor plan: the narrow bar, black and white tile 0001', dark wood paneling. Outside, a green haze shrouds the silhouelles of the Catskill Mountains. During two more years of surgery and no\\" graduate school, I am assembling Ihe raw materials 10 rebuild my b.-.tlered self. I know now how to delve into and when 10 pull shut the dl~lwslrings on pain and memory I hold like some precious bundle in a velvet purse. All my roaming elsewhere comes back as a compass. I am molded by New England air, light, fliends, its restless seasons. ''''hen I look back at the worn grooves ofll..ils I choose over and moeI', I see the patterns in my reading merge with places and spill into writing. By chance, I had tossed Annie Dillard's Holy Ihe Firm into my bag because it was slim and light. On the bus oul 10 Hudson Valley, I discm'ered this writing springboards from time spenl on an island in Pugel Sound facing the Cascade Summer 2003

l\'lountains thaI she so aptly calls, "the sen-ate edge of timc." She stirs her words with time, cvents and people in this place. This is my reason to beeline to The Cascades deli to finish Dillard. Shc strings her flight with an aerial artist daning dalingly between the clefts of the Cascades \\ith another plane's plummct into trees near her hOHse. On the final p.1.ges, I rcad how the pilot, lInh1ll1, pulls his seven-year-old daughter from the wrcckagc as the fuel ignites, scorching lhe girl's f.1.ce. This book is like holding a mirror that talks back. Dillard's SIOty spil-als smoothly, a throwback 10 her opening image, a motll's tllorax roasting in her candle flame, a paean to all passions that burn within. Like hieroglyphics deciphered, the secrets in impairmcnts, in one's OWI1 bnnal truth snaps into focus. Howa Imid shape contours a sense of space, of self. Ho\\" nature acts, not as a prop, bill as a player, a shapero How wherever I go no\\", I am led by daring past my injuries. How by struggling, I m,lp territory. I stare at the \\路orn paperback, half expecting it to hop olf the table or go up in a poof of sllioke. I followed this tl-ail of \\"ords, chasing shiny thrcads for my OWII story, but no\\" my skin plickles and the air shall:>ens for an unleashing. I \\-ait for the next slroke; perhaps the next Clistolller"ill stride ill wearing silver spurs and know my name. Serendipity has sat me do\\"n in my own private colTee shop vector. I sip by stl-a\\" a long swallow from the sweating walel路 glass. But ordinary sOllnds l:>ervade the afler brcakfasl lull: plates scraI:>e, silven\-are clinks. No one else, scattered at other tables, cngrossed in their newspapcrs 01' omelets, hints at any a\\-areness of the unusual. I pay lhe bill. Before the bubble bursts, I \\-ant to GUl)' il outsidc. On the blight side\\-alk blocks, chimes spangle dulcct sounds from front porches lhat follow me d0\\11to the I1Ishing liver's breadth. Today, the scene all fits, it is liquid, it flO\\路s.

FUGUE #25

David Lunde

Birthright

'111C four red lellers, IUl;d illlhe dark lhealer, lhe only distraclion, a subliminal reminder lhat c\'cry slor~' has an end. And lhough oplimism calls each deadl a binh, still therc is lhc disorientation. lhat readjllStlllenl 10 the world which cXiSlS. It is nOl the one yOll li,"ed in; il lI'ill not be. YOIl try 10 hold on, imagining perhaps a repeal perfonnance. bUl whcn the time cOllles nonelheless yOll exit, delcllIlincd to lo\'t~ lhe nell'. asking yourself what il was you uSl:d 10 lo\'e as if yOll didll'l know.

Summer 2003

Donald Levering

Spider

'1"0 make ajoyful sound. just lei the divine spider climb Ollt of your mouth and go about its business tying knots around you.- life. So you're a marionette. eventually you'll feel yourself dancing no matter who's pulling the sliings. Even as yOllr di\'orce decree is signed, the spider goes Olllll;UTYlllg yOIl to the corners of YOllr household dllS!. fjght legs, a r;weliOliS mOllth. and the yen 10 spill silk in the shadows. \ Vho \\'ouldn 't sing?

FUGUE 1t25

I\'iaureen Sian Ion

-Third Place EssayBody Leaping Backward

Gro\\ing up in MasS<'lchusens in the late sixties and early seycnties, my siblings and I chmored for a swimming pool, nol because we knew it as a symbol of economic status, but because il seemed like the olle thing we needed 10 complete our li,'es. 'o\'e had our mOl her, her black hair in a ropy twist, spit CllrlS, and high-heeled pumps. We Ilad 0111' father, tall and handsome, mistaken in restaurants for Ihe movie star, James eaan. 'o\'e had our ultra-modern house wilh a laundry chule, a fireplace, a phone with a cord that sucked into a tiny hole in the wall. The house still smelled of pine when we moved in, pine Ille s,ent of hope, the essence of beginnings, of everylhing light. 'Ve had pizza on Friday nights, dri\'e路in movies 011 Satllrday nights, and our anullal two-week vacation to rented COllages around New England. ,Ve \rent 10 Mass on Sundays, the girls in dresses my mOlher sewed, with matching shorts for my brothers, and when we walked dO\\1l Ihe aisle 10 a pew in the middle-the nine of lis-we were neat and complete, lhe pelfect American family. Except for a swimming pool. On broiling summer days, my sisters and I would languish on our fronllawn looking heat-stricken in hopes that the Hobaicas. the only ueighbor with an in-ground pool, might invite us over. BUI lhis ploy rarely worked. Most onen, when my mother was done wilh her chores, the kitchen crumbless and every bedspreJ.d lalit, she'd driye us 10 lhe crowded public paollo swim for an hour. Occasionally, on nights that were 100 hot to sleep, I'd look oul my bedroom window and see my parents, wearing only towels, tiploeing across the street to the Hob.1.icas for an Summer 2003

evening dip. I'd sland ill front of Ihe window for a long time, trying to catch a glimpse of a silvery naked body, or hoping 10 snatch some exolic adult word Ihal I coulcl mllll over-a word like seduction which I'd seen on a gag gift someone gave my parenls, a miniature fouHI"ay streel sign showing the stages of coupledom: seductioll,lo\"e, malTiage, di\"Orce. I didn't realize thai "divorce" \\"as the punch line. Or Ihe word aballdoll, which I'd read in my falher's Tillie magazine when I was eighl, ill an ,U1ide about a mother who dropped her children ofT at a park and never rehlrllcd. I asked my mother Idlal abandolllllea~ll, but I didn'lundersland. "Bul why did she leave them?" I asked my mOlher. Untillhen I'd thoughllhalll"Oublc could only come from outside, like Ihe kidnappers my alllli promised would carry me away in a huge sack if I didn'l behave. That new word, abandon, Ihal hollo\\", \\"ide-open, vowel路filled \\"ord that made me Ihink ofballd-aids and eilts, bUI meantlefl alone in it park \\"hile black night colored in Ihe space around swings and seesaws, lhal word terrified me. My mol her wanled a pool, 100.

011 summer Sundays, my hlher would say, "lei'S go Ihe beach!" My mothe," would pack us lip, the girls in our two-piece bathing suits, flip-nops, and lerry dOlh beach jackets. My mOlher always broughl a whole roasl beef slill wanll in ils Pyrex baking dish, which she lugged to Ihe shore as if il were an eighlh child. Silting 011 blankets at Duxbury Beach nearly an hour drive from our house in "Val pole, l\'lassachuseus, we ale butlery, sandy IThl.S1 beef sandwiches 011 while bread pinkened by blood and (hippings. Years later, I asked my mother why she insisled on portaging a roast 10 Ihe beach. ""Vas it so important 10 have Sunday dinner?" "Thai wasn't my doing," she said. "I'd be cooking a ITh1.sllike every Sunday, then halfway through the day your r..l.lher would gel an idea in his head 10 go 10 Ihe beach. So I packed up

FUGUE #25

Ihe roasl and took il with us:' I glimpsed the woman my mother was then, a woman happy 10 put her husband and children fil~I, 10 accommodale and please no mailer how impractical, a woman I could never be. On the way home from Ihe beach, sluck in traffic jams in the stifling hot slalion wagon with seven sandy, salty, cranky kids, my mal her would s."y, "\\le wouldn'l have to go through this if we had a pool." But my f.1.ther was reluct ani: the danger, Ihe expense. One nighl in late spring, just before I tllrned twelve, my mother called my siblings and me in from playing kick-ball for one of our infrequenl family meetings, the theme of which was usually "cooperation." My mother and father s.1.tlogether on the gold oltoman in Ihe living room, a malching piece 10 the high-backed easy chair, in which my f...ther read Ihe Boston Globe after church each Sunday. The four oldest girls-Susan, Sallv, me, and Joan11e-s... 1 on Ihe couch, Patrick and Barbie shared the piano bench. l\'Iikey was upslail~ in his crib. My f.1.ther began: "As you know, your mother and I haven't been gelling along." There, at its vcry beginning, is where my father's speech ends for me. I don'l remember an~1hing he said beyond thai because my mind was puzzling with "as yOll know." I'd never seen my parents fight, so I didn't know Ihat anything was amiss. Atlhatmoment, all lhe distractions-the shouts of kids playing in Ihe street, the abrasive upholstery of Ihe conch scratching my bare thighs, the bothersome warmth of my siSler's arm brnshing mine-f.1.ded 10 background. My eyes fixed on my r... ther's upper lip, which quivered as he spoke. I couldn't stop staring; it was so strange, his lip shive ling on a \\'<lllll spring night. His words floated past me, though I caughl one: separation. My slomach clenched. A tear made a slowjoumey down my father's cheek, and then the rest of liS wept on cue like a chorus, our last acl as an intacl family. My parents' separation in 1972, Ihe first all the street, Ihe fil~1 of anyone we knew, was an early slatislic in what cultural Clilics no\\' call "the divorce boom.'" In Ihe yeal~ 10 come, our Summer 2003

neighbors, our hiends"l<1.rellls, nearly halflhe families iutown, half in the country followed suit. "'My r.1.ther is mo\'illgollt," I told my girlfriends in seventh grade. "I don't really care," I said. "And oh, guess what, we're getting a pooH" I assumed Ihal my mother's separation fmlll my father mea.nt that she no longer needed his pelTIlission to install a pool. Her freedom seemed like my freedom too, authOlity gone, at least no longer living with liS, because it was very SOOIl after my father left Ihat my mOl her drained our bank accounts (the five and len dollar deposits from birthdays, First Communions, Christmases-she asked 0111' permission), borrowed two thOllsand dollars from ller mother, and bollght a cheap aboveground pool kit, which the salesman promised would collapse if installed in-ground, as was her plan. "By hook or by crook," my mother always said. "Come hell or high water." There \\~s no stopping my mother once she latched onlO an idea. vVhen I was in thilu grade, she labol"ed for weeks Oil the world's Ili0stlllXliliOlIS dollhOllse. The Iiolise had Iwo floors, lour bedrooms, a living room, den, kitchen. She wallpapered each room with contact paper, and sewed tiny rumed curtains. She furnished the house with conches and easy chairs, cutting fonus from cardboard, then upholstering each piece. Night after night as I ,,~tched her finish the house, I begged her nol to donate il to the Blessed Sacrament Annual \Vhite Elephant Bazaar. "'But Mom," I said, "\~lhy are yOli going tojusl gi'"e it a\\~y?"

"'II'S for the poor," she mumbled through stl~ight pins clamped in her peifeci while leeth. I imagined "the poor" as Vilora Raleigh, the bony-kneed girl who lived in the asbestos-shingled, dil1-<ilivcwayed house 011 Bowker Streel, a girl whose rolled teeth, mailed yellow hair and "cooties" caused other kids to shun her. I felt sorry for Vilol~, but still didn't think she deserved the dollhouse. I 路1路1

FUGUE #25

thought my pleading would convince my mother of her folly. But there was the dollhouse one Saturday moming, high lip on a table al the Blessed Sacrament Church ''''hite Elephant Bazaar, up for rame. I checked on the doll house throughout Ihe day (in between scouting for the white elephants, which I never found). \Vhen the rarne was drawn, I watched the parents of some little girl carllhe house away. She doesn't look pOOl; I thought. Nor was she thrilled, anyone could plainly observe. She didn't see the beauty of the house, only the old appliance box il had been. "\Vhy should she get the dollhollse? YOII made it," I accused my mother, as if all that were hers should be automalically mine. Just after school let Ollt that year my parents separated, huge boxes of unassembled pool components were delivered to our house. \Ve climbed on and hid behind the boxes, but there was no time to waste-summer was here! My mol her hired fat, cigar chewing Leroy Jones \\ith his backhoe to get us started. Feeling sorry for my mOl her, Leroy charged just thirty dollars. All the neighborhood kids gathered to watch Leroy's claw of a sho\'e1lurIl our side yard into a deep pit. Atthe end of the long day, wanting one more bite at the eal1h, Leroy miscalculated. Before we could yell a warning, the b.1.ckhoe keeled into the hole. Leroy must have felt the weight shift under him subtly but wrongly because, tubby as he was, he managed to make a heroic Oying leap alit of the driver's seal before the b.1.ckhoe landed on its side in our future pool. No\\', more neighbors gathered, not just kids but the mothers, to watch a huge low tl1lck \\inch the backhoe out of the pit. Leroy's exca\'ation was jusl the entry point. The huge hill of dil1 he Icft in our yard had 10 be moved, and he hadn't dug deep enough. E\'ery day for weeks of that long hot summer, we shoveled and pilcd rocks like members of a chain gang. ''''e made daily trips to the pits at the bollom of alii' dead~lId streel to dump debris, dangling our legs olT the tailgate of my Summer 2003

mother's Buick as she clllised slowly lip the street, \\'dving to tile curiOils (and we hopedjealOlls) Ileiglloors. Even seven-year-old Barbie was put to work, the only one liny enough to crawl dO\nl the two-foot decp holes to galvanize a cOllple dozen steel pOS1S with some gooey black stulf. "Tarbaby!" wc yelled when Barbie was done. (The posts should have been coatcd first, but lessons come after mistakes are alread~路made.) My olother scrubbed Barbie for hours, my bony, featherweight sister with lhat slrange OIllshroom-eap haircut, rising Ollt of a tub of opaque water like a creature from the black lagoon. One day we were digging as usual, using frying pans to scoop soil, my mother in a pair of shorts and a bra. She began each 1ll0l1ling respectably dressed in a sleeveless shil1, but at some point decided a br,} was equal to a bathing sllit top. Tanned and muscular, swcating and Ix>wdered with dirt, OIy mother was beautiful. Sally, who was thirtcen, was inside making lunch as had become her job. Sally had lillIe to work with in the kitchen as we were lo\\" on funds aher the separation. We ate Farina for Slipper, or plate pancakes, the baiter so thin the pancake spread like a crepe. \"'e melted butler and sprinkled sugar and ate Ihose napjacks like jelly rolls. Atlhe supermarket, nlY mother lllCked cans of tuna in her pocketbook and packages of ham down the waistb.'lnd of her pa.nts. Except lor my oldest sister Susan, we refused 10 stand in the checkout line when my OIother paid with food Sl'amps. \楼e were poorer now, but we knew we were still not as poor as Vilora Raleigh. "How come Sally gets to make s;mdwiches and we have to dig?" I s..l.id. "How come Sue gets to b.l.by-sit?" That day my mother threw a shovel at me, dil1 and all, which lightly grazed my thigh. II \\'dS more of a letlillg-go, her grip on the handle of the shovel rehxed by my lullaby of complaints. (She denies it loday: "I would no/throw a shOid at you!"). I was sent 10 my room like Br'er Rabbit to the briar palch, where I read a book,

FUGUE #25

trying to ignorc the dink,link of the frying pa.ns ladling dil1 and rocks. Plumbers came and installed an underground pipe from the filter to the drain at the bollom of Ihe hopper. \,Ve erected the o\"al aluminum shell, which was lightly grooved like a rippled potato chip, and decoraled with loop}' yellow and white daisies. My mother ordered s.."llld-two Ions-which was dumped in the exact spot where lhe hill of soil exca\路ated by LeroyJolles II<\d been. (l \\"as Il0r happy 10 see anotller mountain of dirlto be mo\'ed.) We had to e\'enly covcr the bottom ofthc sixteen-by-thirty-tw<rfoot pool with s.."lnd, so for days we shoveled and tamped and leveled and measured. This was called co\'ing. The sloped sides and bonom of the six-fool-deep hopper were the most difiicuh to cm'e, as climbing in and oul of the well always marred the perfect surface we'd just created. \Ve extended a tw<rby-six from the low end of the pool into the hopper, and crawled down to co\'e the bollom. On cool nights, while the rest of liS we,"e sleeping orr the work of the day, my mother, at fom in Ihe morning, knelt in the pool wilh her rolling pin spreading and smoothing the sand like a giant pie crusl. I imagine her insomnia was a result of the changes in her life: sleeping alone for the first time in fifteen years; her funds halved; a brood of kids to raise without the full-lime help of a husband. BUI maybe those nights were rare moments of quiet lor her, Ihe lulling and smoothing under the moonlight a soothing meditation. Before we could fill the pool, l\'1assachuselts law required that we erect a six-foot high fence <lrottlld its perimeter. My mother rented a post-hole digger, but her arms were too short to work it effectively. The long-handled frying pan served just as well. Using that, m~' mother and my brother Patrick dug as far into the eal1h as the length of their arms, and thai was good enough. Then they sunk the fence posts. \"'e couldn't anord to encircle the pool \\'ilh expensive stockade, so we Summer 2003

bough I fall I' segments of space-picket for the street-facing side, and jury-rigged chicken wire alOllnd the rest, ptll'chasing lengths of stockade one al a time for years after. The final chore was laying-in the liner. MI'. Hobaica, who installed buill-in pools for a li\"ing, had promised to help with this tricky task, though he'd w,lrned my mother against the entire plOject. Periodically that sumnler, MI'. Hobaica had stopped by after work to check our progress, smoking a cigarette, chuckling. I didn'l know the meaning of the word condescension, bllt I could feel it in the air around him. On the filling day, all of us kids and a squadron of neighbor kids were needed 10 hold a share of the turquoise vinyl liner that we draped into the perfectly smooth hopper, and over the lOP of the three-foot-high aluminum wall. My mother sent one of us to tell Mr. Hobaica we were ready, and he said he'd be ovcr aftcr that inning. ''''e turned on our hose, and slowly the water rose in the p<XJ1, inching upward as we clutched our scctions of liner, like a greal blue quilt cut from a boll of sky. My mother orchestraled the filling, directing each of us to yank tight 01' relax. The tcnsion of lhe liner increased as the water deepened. Our fingers ached from gripping the vinyl. ''''e wailed for Mr. Hobaica, as my mother stepped delicalely inside the pool to pull alit \\Tinkles and natten puckers, trying nol to leave heel-print craters in the packed sand IlIldemeath. ''''ith the pool half-full, the wrinkles were mostly smooth, except for one thick fold. But that wasn't aliI' biggest problenl: lhe Iiner\\7ts dangerOllsly uneven, hanging a foot over lhe edge of one side, bllt only an inch all the other. If the liner slipped flOm our fingers, the water would rush underneath and ruin the painstakingly smoothed sand. 'o\'e'd ha\'e 10 dl7tin the pool and redo much of ollr work. My mother ordered the m'\ioril)1 of kids to the shol1 side to despel7ttely hang on 10 that inch of vinyl. Mr. Hobaica finally showed lip.

FUGUE #25

"The way 10 remove wrinkles is to reverse your vacuum cleaner and blow them oul as yOli go along," he said, Ilnconcerm:d that this tip would have ~ell handy hours earlier. ';Vith the pool nearly full, there was nothing \\"e could do abolll lhat one long \\Tinkle-the wrinkle my mother stared at and commented on for years, the \ninkle that, if you mention the pool today, irks her still. Mr. Hohaica lingered another twenty minutes, pronoullced our pool line, and went back to his ball gamc. "Fat lana help he was," I said. My mother wouldn't indulge my sentiment. "I hope yOll become a critic when you grow up,'" she sajd. "You alwa~'s lind something 10 criticize." Immediately after we filled the pool, the water turned chartreuse. ''''e had to shock it with chlorine, and wait patiently for three days ulltilthe water cleared. Though our eyes bUllled after our first swim, we were in heaven. I loved plunging into lhat pool, trying to compctc with my brother's daring Oil's ofT onc of those big wooden wire-spools we somehow oblained from the Boston Edison company. I practiced my swim team competition dive, an unfolding of my body from its jack-knife position, stretching long and flat over the water like a shadow, seeking distance, not depth. I pelfected b.l.ck dives: alms ovcr my head, spine concave, loes pointed so lhat my instep arched, following the motif of my legs and back and arms, like a bridge design, stri\~lIg for height then depth in one move. On weckends, Sally and I swam laps of crawl, twohundred at a time. I was practicing lor a mile race, lhough my laps in the pool didn't prepare me for the choppy, dark water of Ll.ke Sherborn where thc race was held. There was no blue liner like 0111" pool at home, the long \\Tinkle like a compass needle guiding me. In the cold, mlll"ky lake. I struggled along, surf.l.cing every few strokes 10 set my sighls on the sailboat, which marked the turning poin!. Halfway into the race, mosl of the ten swimmers from my town's team c1im~d into one of the boats thatlI'ailed the Ixxiies bobbing in the \\"<ltel: I continued Summer 2003

my slow, meandering crawl. \Vhen my knees dragged on s.."lnd at the finish line. I sto<xl and staggered tip the sloping shore like a 1>limon:lial creature e\olving to a higher order. Quielly m~' parents "trial" separation slipped into a dimrce, and my mother began to date Ed, an aC<luaintance of her sisters in their hOmelO\\1l of Highland Falls, ew York, four hours awa~'. Occasionall~', my mother went to New York for the weekend, but more orten, Ed came to our house. Ed was shy and nefYOUS, so he busied himself \\;th conSlrtlctioll projects, He built a deck that \\Tapped around the deel>-cnd of the pool, and then 0111' half路in, half-out home-made job was almost as good as the Hobaica's ill-grollnd pool. Our house underwent metamOlvhosis too. A kitchen wall was knocked down for a breakfasl bar, brown and green Ca.ll>clS shined 10 mauve and cool blue like a mood ring (though my mo<xl Jing, as if an accurale gauge of my temperament then, always seemed 10 be blue). Follo\\;ng instruclions from library books, my mol her finished a room in the b.'lSCment, which we called the Orange Room after the color of the indoor路 outdoor GU1>Ct she bid O\'el" the concrele. She framed in walls \\;Ih tw<>-by-fours, insubled and paneled, nailed dO\\1l molding. She fumished the room with bean b.-.g chairs and black light posters, bought a hanging lamp \\;th mini~kil1ed, 1>OIlY.Jailed go-go dancers painted on lhc froSlcd glass shade. TIle Orange Room was like a grono-had no windows SO you could wake up at 3:00 p.m. and feel like it was early Bloming or any lime, the timeless room. But that was all illusion; ill the Orange Room, time hastened me illlo adulthood. In 1970 when I was ten, my parents forbid me 10 play their Hair soundtrack album. ("S<Xlomy, fellatio, cunnilingtls, pedclOlStyfather, why do lhese \\'ords sound so nasty? l\'lasturbation can be fun. Join the holy orgy. Kama Sutra, everyone,") In the pri\'acy of the Ol'angc Room, I listened to my siSler Sally's "Ten Yeal'S Arter" albUlll, the song Good Moming Little School Girl, the screeching refl'ain, "I want to ball you." fUGUE '25

"\;Vhal does that mean?" I asked Sally. In temh grade, HOllny Conway and I first had sex in the Orange Hoom, f.l.ntasized about hitchhiking to Califomia, and wrole our wedding date on the wall, August, 1980, which would h,l\'e been two years arter high school graduation (we were practical dreamers). On Friday nights, if my mother was working, arter my hther picked up my younger siblings, Ronny and I skinny-dippcd in our pool, gliding towards each other in the still, cool water, buoyant in each other's arms, weightless as our consciences. The pool never imploded as the expe11s had predicted. My mother's intuiti\'e sense of physics-the ability of water to hold its own against solid grouud-lliumphed. Pascal's law: external pressure applied to a rJuid al rest is uniformly transmitted. Thougll my nlolher, like Pascal, maintained faith in a higher power too. "I used to lie in bed at night and listen to that pool creaking," she told me. "1 envisioned the sides caving ill and all that water rushing down in the Farrell's yard. I'd Pl-a~' it would hold." Arter most of my siblings moved away and my mother was busy work.ing full-time, the pool was neglected. The water tumed green then brown, the lining S<l.gged and slipped bonomward like my gl-andmother's baggy stock.ings. J'\'Iy mol her said she regretled using our savings for the pool. "\"'hen I saw you all had no money for college, I felt bad," she told me. "\"'e loved that pool," I S<l.id. The pool was more than a respite on hot summer days. That pool-built of our sweat and muscle and desiredemonstraled 10 me what a single woman not even five路fecttall in the \\'orld, a woman with a high school education and se\'en k.ids could accomplish. A decade after I left my childhood home in l\'lassachusetts, on a Christmas visil I saw the "For Sale" sign staked illlo our frolll la\\ll. My youngest brother, Mikey, was Summer 2003

turning eighteen that year, which, according 10 my parents' di\'Orce decree, was when the house would be sold. Somehow I didn't believe the house I grew up in would actually be sold. I thought perhaps one of my siblings \\"ould buy it, or maybe several of us would band together to rescue the house. I Oew b.l.ck 10 I\tJichigan where I'd moved after college and forgot aboulthe house. ThaI spring, my mother had a yard sale, Even to my siblings who li\"ed in Massachusetts, the sale was little adveltised. Susan, \\"ho lived an hour a\\"ay, learned of the sale the night before, "By the time I got there almost e\"el)1hing was gone, so I quickly grabbed the fondue pot," she told me. 'oVe laughed. She's never used the pot, bUI she keeps it alllhe same. ThaI fondue pol, like a magic genie lamp, summons a vision: our dining room table laden with dips and breads, and squares of meat we skewered and plunged inlo clear, boiling oil. A fondue for dinner was adventure enollgh to make Ihe whole day juicy with anticipation when I was a girl, was all it took for happiness. (l can stilltasle my mOl her's bearnaise sauce.) ,.vhenIllY mother went back to work after the divorce, there wasn't time for such fri\'Olity. By the time J\IJikey was eight, often alone after school, he was cooking himself cans of Campbell's soup, thick and pasty. Nolxxly told him he was supposed to add water. After the yard sale, my mother and Mikey rented a Bolxal front-end loader for two hundred dollars alld plowed e\"erything that remained into the hopper of the pool, including the pool itself-the wobbly aluminum walls, the filter, the liner, the rolling deck. They covered this huge grave with three truckloads of fill and fifteen yards of topsoil, smoothed il over and splinkled grass seed. Shortly after, 011 a \\"arm August day in 1988, my mother, my falher, and a realtor met to close on the house. I imagine my mOl her silting at the breakf.l.st b.l.r looking Ollt the window at Hall)' Siegler's lawn on the day of the dosing. Nearly e\'ery Easter and Thanksgiving before my parents di\'Orced, as

,--,

FUGUE #25

my family sat around the dining room table, my mother would say, "There's Harry Siegler mowing his lawn." She'd shake her head. "Something is not light in that house." J\lly mother speculated that HalTY was escaping his wife Doris, who never wore anything other than snaJXlown house dresses, and who we thoughl strange because she didn't drive. It's tl1le, Harry Siegler was always pultering in his yard, that is until one Slimmer when a blight of some kind destroyed huge patches of grass and HaITY's yard became an eyesore. His lawn stayed bald and patchy for years, the \\'<lY I like to imagine il was still on the day my mother and father sold 0111' hOllse. After they closed the deal, my mOlher and Illy father slood in the driveway and hugged each other, and cried. ''''ith his half of the sale money, my father and his new wife boughl a bl'<lnd new house, and with her half nw mother bought a condominium, which in Massachusetts in the late eighties was about all she could afford. All the uuits were exactly alike, except the inlerior color schemes were either beige or bille. Mikey called the place Beige Nllmber Nine. The following Christmas, when I visited my mother at Beige Numbe,路 Nine, she gave me a manila envelope stuffed with family photos-she'd wt up the gronp ShOIS, so they were moslly pictures of myself-and a cardboard box which contained the remains of my childhood: a small red diary, four photo albums, some college texts, my high school yearbook, and a walking stick I brought home from California when I was eighleen, my handwritten note still taped to it: "Do 1I0t ever throw this stjck away." I \''<lS amazed thai my childhood could be reduced to one cardboard box. I began to wonder what my mol her had bulldozed into the pool. ''''as my sixth-grade love leuer from John Lippolis in there, the one Ihat began, "I'm sorry I threw the football at you?" My black patent.leather MaryJanes from fifth grade, with the square toe and oversized buckle lhat made me feel like a pilgrim? I loved those shoes so much that I Summer

2003

cried when I lefl one at my grandmother's in New York. "Mom. PJeilse. Make Nanny send it." Years after I lost it, my grandmolher mailed me Ihe shoe. ''''hen I opened Ihe box, J cOllldn'l remember why I was so anached to Ihose stupid loafers, bUI I kepi il. I wallted that shoe to teach me something, to remind me how 10 be excited about a thing as simple and inconsequenlial as a shoe, how 10 be as happy and as hopeful as I \\rlS before I became a teenager, befon~ my parents divorced. ''''hal else wenl inlo Ihat hole, Ihat hopper Ihat for so many years was filled with clear, cold water thai I smashed inlo, water Ihal broke the fall of my lxxIy leaping backward? l\'ly mother's wedding gown, which I only sa\\" once as a child, then never again because she made it disappear after her divorce? Gifts we made for Mother's or Father's Day: rock paper weigh Is, ceramic pencil holders? An entire sel of Funk and ''''agnail's encyclopedias-Aardvark to Zululand? Stulf we had when we were teenagers: clogs, the psychedelic go-go girl lamp, cheerleading skil1S? The notebooks I wrote in as I failed Mrs. Drane's geometry class in tenth grade, my teensy tiny words crawling across lhe page like centipedes? And nlY single swimming trophy-I hat must be in the hole, olhelwise, where is it? Tell years after my childhood home was sold. m~' two younger sisters,Joanne and Barbie, ran into each other in front of the house. Neitheroflhem lived in 'Valpole anymore. BOlh had detoured from \dlereVer they were going at the same momenl to dlive by the hOllse. ''''hat were they looking for? What were they hoping to see? I moved back to New England after nine years in Michigan, but have yet to visit the house I grew up in. I don't want to go b.l.ck. I don't wanl to see the chocolale-brown clapboard paimed pumpkin or sage by Ihe new owners. Or the weeping willows, no taller than my mot her when she planted them, grO\\ll into Cn0ll1l0US trees. Rooms added on like b.'lstal'ds. I don't wanlto see the patch of grass in

FUGUE IJ25

the side rard where no six-root picket renee guards a wobbly aluminum pool. My brother-in-law, l\hn, an authority on antique glass, has taken me bottle digging with him. Once, Mall and I dro\'c ill his pickup to an old church in Scituate, Massachusetts, and tresp,lssed into the woods behind the church. "\"'e'li dig here," Mall 5.l.id. He pointed to a spot as random as any other, but to his trained eye, a slight rise or the eal1h, a mossy rock pile told ora cenlllry-old dumping ground. A rew minutes later, my shovel clinked against glass. Man and I clawed Ihe dirt, unearthing pieces orchina, crescent-shaped bone dishes and cracked dinner plates, bottles and jars. I round a small ceramic doll only two inches high, unsmiling and anuless. "That's tllrn or the century," Matt said. "YOll can see the seams rrom the wooden mold." He pointed to barely discernible specks on the doll's torso. "\V0I1h aoollt ten bucks." "She's beautirul," I 5.l.id, falling in love with the doll. Ll.ter when Mati and I \\'ere washing the botlles, I lost the doll. I kept se,lrching my coat pockets, our bag or bottles. "\Vhere's Dolly?" My ramil~1 laughed at me, Matt relt somehow responsible, and ror months arter, years even, I kept getting \'ariOllS rOfmS or Dolly ror Christmas and my birthday: tiny plastic babies, other ceramic dolls Mati round, silly joke dolls meant 10 make me look roolish ror acting roolish over a doll. But thaI doll made history tme ror me, made a child rrom circa 1895 real the way the Shroud or TlII'in provedjcslls real ror some people. The doll was proor, and proor is necessary ror upholding belids, rOf knowing ourselves, reconciling ourseh'es with our pasts. Over the ~'ears since my parents sold the house I grew up in, I\'e had reClining dreams or digging in the side yard where my mothcr buricd cvcry1hing.ln my dreams, I am always intel111pted by a light that clicks on, or someone calling me, the rear I will be caught searching ror my past, mining someone else's property. Summer 2003

Angie ''''ea\"er

Beyond Articulation

Shorn apprentice oflhe thin professioll, I am lost. Leave mc by your slack continent of ardent lashes, freed. )"01/ iY: merging .I"Our

words,

~'Oll lISc..'!!

to say

willi a ll)tulld robin inncction--<:Iuck, cluck, cluck: ,1J"C-lick-.1'01l-!'lfe-jllslthe lip of the longue slips out/in like hillls. )011 <1lY:JI 'f eoffee or ere.1/IJ. See? Suspended: raiscd abovc thc grass, uncowlikc, with a belli toward, a propensity for, an inclination to, wait on it, you will be fulfilled. Ol'er, ovcr yourcll\'clopc's scripts clasp, pending. \Vondcrful bright, not the high IQ kind, btlt splcndid. Imagine swirls, the glisllc of cemellt and lo.1.llI pushed into water with an apparently unrelatcd hoc, like bricks sucking up eggshell paint, thirsting to be al1ificial, thc ncxl scxtant hOlizon again. New stllface tension spreads beyond thc frostbclt as walls hovcr in your sleep and rcndcr mehed rifts. I wanted great lists of blends, words in the sand.

FUGUE #25

Michael Shilling

Joust

\iVe played basketballihal summer. Allihe lime. \iVe played at Ben Richards' house, three-OIHhrce, and slopped afIeI' each game 10 drink soda and smoke Mrs. Richards' cigarelies. They were called Kool Menthols. \"'e Ihought they were gross but smoked them anyhow. \"'e played basketball in the heat. The heat had a Ilame bUI wouldn't tell us whal il was. And it was all around liS. In our clothes. In Olll" hair. In ourjumJ) shots. So we had a right to know its name. \iVe pla~'ed basketb.l.lI in the wind. \iVe blew smoke rings and lied about tTying marijuana. \iVe lied about drinking ak~ hoI. Gialllirees towered o\"er the to\m. They lowered over liS like wise men \mndering. The heat hung on the trees like sweaters, swealers light in the arms. The Irees sucked at the air and swam in Ihe wind. \iVe were lillie creatures on the floor of it decp ocean. The trees were ferns rooted in the ocean 0001', swaying in the hot depths. The top of the sky was the se,l sUlface. The open blue was the world of air. We were as deep down as we could get, and that was fine. \iVe lived in houses that were alive \\ilh the spirits of fOlmer residents. Everylxxly leaves something behind. And 011 Ihose days, the houses were beacons of shade, dark and cool, vibrating with phantoms. Our houses \\"ere dazzling coral caves on the ocean floor. Onlhe \\l<l.paround porchcs of ourd.17.zling coral caves, cal's stood at the edges and looked into the bushes. 111cy looked into the bushes for birds they could kill and eaL Their whisSummer 2003

kers grew by the day, and when they fell out, we'd find Ihem everywllere. Their whiskers were little tllsks. The phones rang and echoed through the halls of our coral caves. The sound of the phones linging was amazing. \iVe smoked and drank soda and started anolher game. We took off Olll" shins. The trees multiplied as the heat increased. From down the street came the crazy parade harumph of the town ice cream tlllck. 'Ve'd heard il from a distance all day, zooming around lown, sounding lost, playing ils lart and angry jingles. But now it had found us, and it came to a stop in the street It had four big ears shaped like megaphones. II moved up and down like a muscle car, trying 10 get our attention, blu we didn't care. We smoked. 'iVe drank. ''''e played on. From the opposile direction of tile ice creanlllllck cline Ihe sound of rock and roll. It was a big blue station wagon full of our older brothers. They had been drinking and smok..ing at the club. They had been rat-tailing girls allhe pool. They had been telling very lalltales. And now they wanted Illore. They wanled a fighl. So they'd come lojoust wilh Ihe ice cream tll.lck. They were pirates singing sea chanteys. They yelled IYlics from songs, singing yOll shook me all nighl long, oh yes yOIl did girl, you really kno\\' yOll did, girl. We laughed at them, but bughler was a form of respect The trees paid them no mind. The heal was bllsy. The ice cream tlllck knew what was lip. It had dealt with punks before. The ice cream Imek was an ally of our parents, who spent their days on anolher part of the ocean floor, where the plants reached higher towards the sea sUlface. In thai other walery place, our parents were busy wilh Ihe business of running the ocean, and had entrusted Ihe ice cream truck to maintain the peace. Because Ialer, they wanted 10 emelge from their commuler trains 10 find a scene of tranquility. They wanled 10 emerge illlO Ihe dissip.'ling sunshine of a FUGUE 1t2S

summer c\'cning and find that nothing had changed. Our parents knew what the icc cream trllck kncw, that we had pillage in 0111' heaJ1s, thai given the chance we would rip the town to shreds. ''''e looked lip as the wind began to gmt. The wind ignored everyone, tried to mind its own business, but the heat would ha\'c none of it. The heat was a bully. It stuck to the wind with malice. It crashed into the trees and made the \\ise men \\ither. The \\ind t\\isted and lIIrned and llailed, trying to shake the heat, but the heat \\rtS in a mood, and dug its talons in without mercy, riding the wind like a cowboy rides a bucking bronco. ""e were innocent bystallders, playing our games, sipping our soda, smoking our cigarettes. ''''e were innocent, but at the wrong place at the wrong time. And so the heat whipped across our faces, it \\"J.Il11ed up our sodas, it blew cigarette ashes in our eyes, it co\'ered us in sweat as proof of its dominion, it frazzled the cats with their faces in the holly bushes and made their whiskers fall oul. Our parents could not have imagined any of this. The ice cream truck began to boullce ill a more belligerent manner. ''''e heard the contents shake inside it. All those Snow Cones and LolbpaJooz."lS and To."lSted Alnlolld b;lfS. ~nley kept us wholesome. They kept liS in line. They kept us cornfed in a town without corn. Our brothers knew the joust would be no cake walk. The opponent was righteous and wily. The opponent had a proven tlrtck record. And so, as we resumed another three-onthree, our brothers jumped alit of the car and began touching all the trees. ''''ell, firsl they Irtt-tailed us, and then they stole the b...tli away, and then they made us make outrageous ulllrue statements to get the ball back. But after that they stal1ed touching the trees. And as they touched each tree Ihey said something holy, like the Lord's Plrtyel', 01' the Ave Maria, or llIore lyrics about girls shaking them all night long. ''''e dribbled and Summer 2003

pa.ssed and shot and threw elbows. \.ve were feeling pretty good about everything, and our brothers were gelling cocky. Then the girls showed up. The girls drove up in a green colwel1ible which echo oed rock and roll down the street. It sounded like the same song our brothers played, bUI when we stopped playing ball and listened closely, the subject matter was different. And the singer wasn't screaming. He was singing about meeting a gin路 soaked bar路room queen in l\'lemphis. \.ve thought the lyrics were stupid. But the girls loved the l~rlics. They sa.ng them up into the sky, up from Ihe ocean 0001'. They were mermaids at the bottom of their graduating class. Ther were dnmk and smiled without a care. They beeped the car hom to the rh~1hm. Their heads moved slowly back and fOl1h and their hair was shiny and limp. Their skin was greasy and shiny and pelfect. Ben Richards hied to do a Iay路路up with a cigarette in his hand and burned himself. The girls showing up disll.lpted our brothers from lhe task at hand. They hadn't coullIed on an audience. TIley thought they'd be doing Ihis in peace. But the girls got out of the convel1ible and weren't wearing a lot. JUSI bikini tops and cut-offs and sandals, sandals they released into the walling wind with a liquid goose step. They pushed each other around and sat on the lawn, which ran the length of the streellhat would be used for jousting. They leaned on lheir hands or lay on their backs and took in the sunshine. The trees used the hot wind to dip down a lillie closer. The trees were like dirty old wise men wondering. Our brothers didn't talk to the girls, tried and failed to ignore them. They touched all the trees and said holy lhings and the girls mocked them. But we knew everyone was getting along. The fire horn went ofr. The firehorn in our to\\11 was broken. II would go off FUGUE #25

when there wasn't any lire to be found. 11 would nange and distort and hiccup. It sounded like the Devil Himself. The ice cream truck had been waiting for the lirehorn, for the IIrehorn \\~lS a bent referee. It was intent 011 psyching our brothers out, and they reeled at its squall and yelled and cursed. \Ve clutched at our cigarettes and gulped our soda until the fire horn quit its blubbel;ng. The girls did not seem to notice the evil sound. From a house across the street, from an open window, from a massive open windo\\路, three heads peered out. The heads of lillIe boys, maybe five or six. They were allenti,路e and still. A kind of logic was being passed down. As our brothers conlinued touching the trees and being holy about it, and the girls continued to giggle and I1Ib Iheir legs togelher like crickets, someone began to play an acoustic guitar, play one chord from an unseen location. This chord was lush and beautiful and everywhere at once. It was thick, scented hair. It cut right through the heat and gave the heal a laste of its o\\'n medicine. I heard it as I went up for a shot and chucked an airball. The girls began 10 dance. And \\'hoever was playing the chord continued wilhout a break, strumming it over and over and driving the heat mad. Dogs barked dowll Ihe street behind invisible fencing. \o\'e heard their yipping as they hit electrical charges at the end of fine green 1a\\11S. Their confusion upset no one. The cats across the slreet pufTed lheir tails, though, and the seolpion heal stung their noses. V\'e stopped playing basketball and sal down on Ihe lawn, keeping a respectable distance from the girls, who were dancing ill a circle and singing as loud as Ihey could, singing about hon-kay-tonkh wih-men. \,ye teethed grass and smoked cigarelles while our brolhers IInished touching the trees like they were Bibles. Then they nodded at each other and walked through the 10ng-sufTering wind over to the car. The chord strummed and lI;ed to break the trees free of lheir s,,路eatcrs, but the heat held 011. The heal was a body having its al111 twisted Slimmer 2003

back. It screamed a defianl scream, roasting liS. The fire horn slal1ed lip again. II groaned iI's Sol.d, demonic swell, and waited. The car and Ihe ice cream truck were barely a Slone's throwaway. The jousl would be over in a nash. It would be Q\'er before we could So1.y Jack Daniels. After, we would go back to pla~ling baskelball. \Ve would begin 10 Ihink about evening. \~le would eat dinner and mcel later for trouble. But for now, we paid allention. \Ve whispered about things collid路 ing. \Ve tried 10 understand the forces at work. The girls kept dallcing. Our brothers got in Ihe car and began hooting and hollering. The ice cream truck played ils vicious song and rewed its engine hard. The little kids in the window leaned their heads out further. The magic chord Oooded the world. Dogs howled against their situation. The wind broke free of the heal and shook the trees. ""hite whiskers filled the lawn like snow. The sun perched high in the sky, and did not care what lime it was. \'\Ie watchcd like Roman princes in a coliscum. The trees were elders and emperors. The heal howled and would nol break. The joust was on. One oflhe girls cracked ajoke, and the others doubled over, hysterical. Their laughter drowned in the pealing scream of lhe engines.

FUGUE #25

Sheila Sinead McGllinlless

Georgie

After the harvcsi of organs, of long bones, II"e praise the god who gleans his power from pharmacy, clectricily, from plantingnot green in fCI1ile bollOtllS, bUlmeat in caverns, blood路.ich and sinewed. \Vhcn a L"lZ."lI"IIS rises from death, rides the river, we praise, for a graft will nower, will fruit. "'hen withered lea\'es no longer breathe, when frost slops sap, and ice cleaves bark and pulp, who would call the cold wind Executioner?

Summer 2003

Silciia Sincad IcGuiuncss

Heron, BiUern, Shrike

\ \ 'ithill hours of lea\;lll; Ihe riH~r. caddis flies duller Ihe asphalt. Dl;\,er # I proceeds westerl~'. Ihe eyewirness says, 10Sl to frogs I~'ing gcolhennal along the Lochsa's oxbow. A gold coupe, spclI'illg& rusled, '111 is slilface lipples as heron dagger trout,

rise through shrouds of steaming air to ulter their ("I;lll'. How 10llg until, illfesu~d by beetle .the lodgepole's lidlelled halfgi\'es way, splilS and cracks like bursts frolll a duckblind? Dri\'er #2 follo\\"s. a pick-tlp alongside also'ellly. eigilly. Illumer 10iKI as a ril)Saw. :\. biuem lifts its fOOl. slelKler-t:he windsettles on lhe reed bed stubble. aligning its stripes wilh \\;llIer路hollowed. stalks. 'nle "ekel orlast year's caltails frayed., the biuem swaying. OfT lhe ramp, the sin of metal on IlIclal unseen by shrike still 011 Icaness aspen, ani\'es the coupe, l>.lck..ended, # t by lhe shil1. what animal would nOl gnaw, #2 by the lhroat, ligamenl and bone to free itself, Cot a piece? $11I;l;,e do\\'nio duff. snatching g1ln, illlll.lles

FUGUE '25

a shrew on ha\\1hom, wheels & shols & llcdging (hc

ri\'el~ one,

1\\'0, three, hedging 101l10rl'Ow, 0 hc tcmplcs himself.

Summer 2003

Sonia Gernes

I Am Calling You Arnie put down the phone and went straight 10 the bedroom. It \\路as where the wedding photo and marriage certificate hung side by side, Ihe first frame containing roses from Vera's wedding corsage pressed beneath the glass, the second crushing the withered rag of his boutonniere. Arnold Gunther and Vera McIntyre, May 22, 1944. Arnold Gunther, second lieutenant in the U.S. Navy, about to be shipped to a second tour of duty, this one in the South Pacific, and Vera McIntyre, Ilish and Catholic and just promoted to teller at the Skokie First Natioual Bank. Vera McIntyre in a light blue suil and toeless pumps, leaning back against his unifollllcd ches!. Vera Guuther, wife, mother. liar. "She's dead." he'd 5.l.id to the woman on the phone. "Vera died injanuarv." "Oh, what a shame," the woman said. He hadn't gotten her name, or why she wanted Vera, but she sounded too hightoned for a telephone solicitor. "Breast cancer," he added, in case the woman was someone Vera knew from way back. "She licked it once, but a year ago it came back again." "I'm so sorrv," the woman said, "and jeanne will be so di5.l.ppointed." "jeanne?" he 5.l.id, "jeanne who?" And that \ras his big mistake. That was the moment he could have hung up and gone back to the SPCH1'S page on the tray in the den and not be standing here in the bedroom staling at his wedding picture and p..l.nting like a dog with emphysema. "jeanne Manning," the woman 5.l.id. "Vera's daughter." 66

FUGUE #25

"Sorry," Arnie said, "You got yourself the wrong GUllther. ''''e only had but the one girl, LlIAnn. The other two were boys." "Oh, I think I ha,"e the light one," the woman 5."1id with a lit lie laugh. "Jeanne \\·ill be delighted to know she has siblings, but she'll be cmshed about her mom." "No," Arnie s,lid, the irritation rising in his voice. "You didn't hear me. We only had the one daughter. And we don't know anybody named Manning." "Look," lhe woman 5.l.id, "I'm sorry if this comes as a shock to you, but I'm just trying to help a friend here. Jeanne was an only child, and her parents-her adopted ones-arc both gone. I don't get paid for doing this, you know; I just do il-I help people find their birth parents. I\·e found seven so f:lr, and Jeanne makes eight. I could probably make a living doing this if I wanled to, but I don't even ask for expenses. I'mjusl trying to do my part 10 ...•" "Look yourself!" Arnie 5."1id. "I don't know what kjnd of stunt you're trying to pull, but this has nothing to do with me or Vera." "Vera McIntyre," the woman said quickly, spilling oul the words like buckshot into a skillet. "Born January 2, 1921, in Milwaukee, 'Visconsill. Gave birth to a baby girl on June 7, 1942, at St. Luke's Hospital in Kenosha, 'Visconsin. The child was tllllled over to Catholic Charities for adoption two days afler birth. The adoption was finalized on December 18, 19 .. " "That's bullshit!" Arnie 5."1id, clIlling her ofT. "1'\'ly ,life never had any other kids. I'd know it if she did. And she never li,·ed in Kenosha!" "'Vhere were yOll in June 1942?" the woman said. "'Vere you with Vera at that time?" He didn't answer. "Did yOIl even know her then?" the woman said. Summer 2003

"I knew her," Arnie sajd, and mashed the phone back into its cradle. But he didn't. 01 in 19-~2. In 1942, he was Oil a ship ill the Atlalllic. He met Vera on O"ember 22, 1943, al a SO Thanksgiving P.lI1y. She was dishing lip lhe pumpkin pie and administeling huge dollops of whipped cream. Occasionally she licked the excess off lhe side of her finger, but she seemed unaware thallhis could turn a guy on. He liked that about herthat innocence. And she had go<xliegs-he could see that from across the room-and upswept Betty Grable curls, her ginger haira little darker Ihan the pumpkin. He knew it was November 22 because they were married six months laterto the day. And Vera was slim. YOII could tell that from the pictUl'e: skinny ankles and trim hips under the peplum of her suit jacket. And she wasu'tlhe leasl malemal; she didn'l c\"cn ha\"e big boobs. On their wedding night, Vera was a \;rgin. He was Sllre of il. A 101 of girls weren'l in those \\dI1ime years, and he had known a few of Ihem himself-gocxl-time girls \\;Ih as much lust and despeldtion in lheir eyes as any wanime sailor-but Veld had al\\dYS stopped him from t1ubullonillg lhe last hulton, from slipping more than a finger into the silky \\;lderncss beneath her step-ins. And he respected lhat. He lold her 5O-lhat he respected girls who had some modesty, who could still blush. And when the ring was finally on her finger, when ther had ducked through a sidelong (diu into the rickety motel on the Great Likes beach, Veld was as nel....ous as a bride would bethey were both nervous. Neryolls and ill love, and almost ~l\\dre that nature itself was selling the pace for them-a rhythm of stormy breakers that rocked and rocked against the shore. And when he mo\"ed, perhaps too soon, 10 enler her, Veld sucked in a shall), audible breath. "It's oka\', babe." he said, nOI \\dnting to hurt her, bUI wanting her, bursting and aching and needing to get inside her 68

FUGUE '25

and be there every possible moment bctwecn 110\\" and when his unit shipped oul. "II's okay," he said, becausc they were malTied, and she was his to possess, and any lillie pain she fell would be shoI1-lived. And Vera 100"ed it. The waves still rockcd against the shore whelltheir own rocking had <:cased, and Vera was smiling ,\I him, stroking his f.l.ce, and calling him "my love, my 100"e .. . ." And thell she excused herself-or was it after the second time?-"just for a lillie minutc to get cleaned up." So if there wasn't blood on the sheets-and he couldn't remember either way-why should there be? The lights in the room were out, and Vera was f.lStidious even then, and hc could hcar her in the bathroom with the water I1l1llling. He remembered lhal'; he was sure of it. They had tell glorious days together, and by the time hc shipped out, he had gotten her pregnant with Clark. The phone stal1ed ringing again, and Al11ie grabbcd for the bedpost, sinking slowly to the bed to protect his bum knee. He glared at the light blue tlimline on the bedside stand, but it seemed to be al a distance, an al1ifacl from another life. ''''hy did they have such a sissy blue phone anyway? It looked like it belonged to a little girl! II was supposed 10 go with the \\-alls, he guessed, butlhe walls looked tired, faded. Gray marks from VeI7l'S wheelchair nicked into lhe doorframe and made streaks along olle wall. "You need 10 take drivcr's ed," she'd teU him, trying 10 make lighl of the Iacllhat her bones \\"Ould 110 longer hold 1101' propel her. "You'll have to buy me a helmet, the way you steer this thing." The phone stopped ringing, but he could hear his daughter's voice from the message machine in the hall. "Hey Dad? I\hJ1in \\71I1IS to bolTOW that eXlensionladder you've got. He's doing something with the nashing around the chimney \\"hen he gelS the gutlers cleaned oul. ''''e're going to swing by after lunch if you're home. Give us a call, okay?" Summer 2003

Fme, he thought. Let them bon"Ow the c.xtension ladder. 11leycollid ha\"e the d.1.mn ladder forall he cared, but he wasn't going 10 call them. He wasn't going near that phone and let Ihem hear a qua\"er in his mice. And he wasn't ha\'ing anybody rooting around his house either, examining his things. Hc grabbed Ihe keys from the bureau and headed dO\\11 the hall to the garage. ~nlere. he mancm"cred the ladder ofT its storage hooks and leaned it against the side of the house. They could come get it if they wan led 10, but he wasn't calling anybody back, and he sure as hell wasn't going 10 slay home wailing for Ihe phone 10 ring. In the car, he dro\"e his IIsllal route: past Ihe pOSI office, Ihe donut shop, Ihe old hardware store Ihal was mostly clitesy ginware these days, ouilo Ihe shopping mall that was anchored \\;th a Marshall Field on one end and a T:"uget on the olher. He got out of the car near the Target end and stood there sl;:u;ng down the length of the complex until some woman \\;Ih big hips and a Sunday-school r."1f:e stopped with her shopping ca11. "Are you all right?" she said. as if he was senile or something. "You look a lillie confused." "I'm fine," Arnie snaplx:d and got back in Ihe car, hUllching his eloows o\"cr the steel;ngwheel and ttlming-on the radio to stationless static he didn't oother to ch;:Ulge. Vera had a siSler who lived in Kenosha. Pat. Pat Crady. She was older and man;ed \\;lh a couple of kids by the time he and Vera gOI hitched. And she was dead too, the same breast cancer Ihal killed Vel~\ twenly years later. ''''alt was dead, and their kids would have been 100 young to remember if there was anything "funny" about a visit from Aunt Vera in 1942. But damn it! She could ha\'e told him. ''''hat kind of man did she think he was that after all these years she couldn't tell? Bill tell what? There was nOlhing 10 lell. Some asshole woman found a name that probably wasn', e\'en spelled the same and wanted to chalk up allother\\;n in her lillie delecli\"e 70

FUGUE '25

game. ''''hal did she say-I\'c found se\'cn and Vera makes eight? And she couldn't pro\'e anrthing. NOI a damn thing. II wasn't like she had some sample of Vera's blood and was going to get a DNA test like they did ill the OJ. trial-and look what a mess thai was! BUI could she gel DNA from his kids? He'd seen sonle program about a woman who claimed to be a Russian princess, and Ihese scientists got blood from Plince Philip, who was a shil1tail relalion, and proved she was really just a seamSlress after all. And LuAnn would probably give il too. Clark would tell the woman to go 10 hell, but LuAnn would stick her arm right out, and Bl1lce might not be much differenl. LuAnn listened to all Ihose psychologisls on TV now thai her kids were oul of the house. II was her idea to get Hospice in when Vera gOI bad so Ihey could hear all aboul the stages of grief and how people \\'ere supposed to be honest and not hide their feelings. Did LuAnn know? Jeslls! ''''as that why she was so big 011 all this honesty crap? ''''ould Vera have lold her? ''''ould she have belrayed him like thaI and told her daughler inslead of him? Because lhe one nighl of Iheir marriage Vera slepl on Ihe couch and refused 10 come to bed was the nighl LtlAnl1 came home pregnant Or admitted she was pregnanl. Or slood there crying in her too-lighl blouse and her bell路bollom pants, while Vera said, "Blit Ihey're gelling married. They're bolh of legal age, Arnie. These Ihings happen, you know." ""as thaI why she sided with LuAnn, white dress and church wedding and the whole nine yards, when he said he \\~ISIl't walking any pregnanl woman downlhe aisle? ''''hen he said, "''''hy don 'I you just hitch a ride dO\\11state and elope?" But would she have told LuAnn aher all those rears? Assuming, of course, she had sonlething-.in)11Iing-lo tell? Another woman \\ith a shopping cal' had paused and was looking in his direction. ''''hat? he glared back. ''''as every Summer 2003

do-gooder in gre.'l.ter Chicago out looking for old men who\路e lost their malbles? He Itlrned the Buick's ker, lromped oilihe gas pedal and broughllhe engine 10 roadug life, heading Olll of Ihe 101 and b.l.ck 10 the hardware slore. YOli cOlildn'l C\l~n sit in rour 0\\1.1 car anymore. Couldn'l answer Ihe phone withoUI some nutcase illlelfel;ng. He was on Ihe slepladder paillling the bedroom when he heard lhe back door slam. LlIAnn had a ke~' from the monlhs she came afler work 10 help oul with her mol her. bUI she usually had the decency 10 knock. "Dad," slle called fronlille kitcllell. "Dad?" He heard her footsleps coming in his direction, clumping as she always did. She'd never learned 10 walk dainty like her mother. "Dad?" She was in the doorway no\\'. "Dad! ,.vhat do you think YOIl're doing up there?" "I Ihink I'm painting lip here," he said, "and since I've gOI a brush in my hand, Ihal prob.l.bly is whal I'm doing." "Bro\\ll?" LuAnn said. "You're painting il bro\\ll?" "Blue is a woman's color, ~ he Sol.id, "I'm not a woman, in case you ha\路en'l noticed. And 1 can paint il any damn color I like." "\Vell yeah," LuAnn So'l.id, "but isn'l il going to be kind of dark and depressing?" "I can be dark and depressing ifl\'e gal a mind 10," he So1.id. "\"'hat's ealing YOliloday?" she said. "And why didn'l you call tiS back?" He dipped Ihe bl1lsh iUlhe paint can and with a show or confidence applied il where the wall mel Ihe ceiling. He meanllhe geslure to be crisp and efficient, but his hand wavered; some of lhe brown lapped into the blue. Below him, LlIAuu sighed, but she refrained from lelling him he should ha\路e used masking tape. Outside in the dl;H~\\dY, Matlln's pickup tooted. "Okay," she Sol.id, "we're oulla here. Ha\路e fun \\ith your paint, Dad."

FUGUE '25

"LuAnn,'" he said, but when she 111l11ed, he didn'l know how to phrase whal he wanted 10 know. "\"'hen yOli were going tllroUgh your BlOt her's clothes and things, did you find an~1hing .,. an~1hing besides clothes and makeup and \\路omen's stull?'" "No,'" she said. "Vvhy? Is something missing?'" She paused for a beat and her voice shined, "Mom gave me Ihat ruby ring. You knew that,'" "No, no,'" he S<1.id, "Not that. I'm not acclIsing you.'" "\.vhat then?'" "I don't know really, Lel1ers, documents, souvenirs.'" "\Ve went through the desk before she died,'" LuAnn said. "You were there." "Yes," he said, but no other words would form to help him. OUlside, Martin's horn looted again. "You beller go, '" he said. "Your husband's waiting,'" By three o'clock he had one wall finished to his satisfaClion, but when he gOI down and slepped back to the doorway 10 survey the effect, it looked terrible. The brown was the color not of chocolate or of mellow wood, but of dil1. Lillie waves ofdil11apped all along (he ceiling line Olnd 01110 the edges of the woodwork. Looking at it gave hilll a sense of vel1igo, as though he were f.1.lIing Ollt of a blue sky into a plowed and barren field, He put the lid on the paint and stowed it on the shelf in the garage, and for the nexlthree days he followed the routine he'd established in the weeks since Vera's death: breakfast at lhe donut shop, three walking laps lhrough the mall (1.21 miles on his pedometer), lunch althe selliorcelller, calds or checkers if anybody decent showed lip to play wilh, a frozen dinner in lhe microwave, a tray in the den while he \\<ltched the news. On the third day, the blinking light on Ihe answering machine caught his eye before he even had time to put the grocclies down. Summer 2003

II's lhal woman again, he knew wilh ceitilllde, thai nosy bilch, and he punched the Play bullon savagely. The voice that came Ihrough was sorter, however, more nutelike, and strangely hesilant. "Mr. Gunther? Mr. GUBter, mv name is Jeanne Manning. I am calling you ..." He hit the Stop button so hard he almost jammed his finger joint. He stumbled through the kitchen door 10 grab onto the back of a chair and let his head drop unlil he could stop the trembling and control his breathing again. Through his chin, he could feel his he:u1 thudding in his chest. II wasn't Ihe call itself that was doing this 10 him; he'd been expecling a second call. It was the \"Oice-Vera's voice. Vera's mice before the firsl cancer. Vera's voice when she wasn't sure if he was mad at her or nol. He hadn't been iliad at Ileroften-he wasn'tlhat killd of man-but he haled it when she let the kids mess up Ihe entire house, and he hated it when she was sick. It scared him. Not jusl the cancer, bllt Ic\"Crs and stomach nil, even morning sickness. He had found Vera in a brief interlude between war and war, and all through Ihose hellish Pacific nights the thought of her had been his cool, safe place, his fixed point in a sky with no familiar constelblions. She wasn't supposed to get sick. She wasn'l supposed to ha\"e secrets. She wasn't supposed to die first either, damn hel: She wasn't supposed 10 leave him like this. He was still standing with his arms braced on the back of the chair, but the tears \\路ere falling now, too fast for him to see the fabric or the wood, and he hung there, sobs coming from deep in his gut, until his lib cage ached too much to continue. Then he wiped his face with his sleeve, went to the flidge for a can of Bud, and drank the whole thing without his eyes ever coming quite into focus. \\Then he'd finished alld crushed the can, he grabbed his jacket and set OUI from the back door on foot. FUGUE 1f2S

Spring had come to Chicago only to the extent that the trees were Ihickening lheir spa,"e silhouettes and his neighbor's scraggy forsythia was making a bl";l.\"e allemp!. Not much was green, and the alley was )X>Cked with puddles ,md potholes, bill here and there, a Jew crocuses escaped from somebody's fence. Damn it, Vera, he So.1.id, but his anger was soft, depleted. He walked lor about a mile, he figured, up toward the hospital and then back. He detoured to cross the little park where he had taken the kids to playa century or two ago. The park had aC(luired a newlangled wooden f011, all bars and chutes and ladders, but dowilihe hill the equipment seemed little changed: a sandbox, a slide, swings. As he crossed in front of the sandbox, two crows flushed up from the grass and scolded down at him from a redbud tree, their sound somewhere between mockery and rage. But something else was drinking Ollt ofa linle puddle the children's feet had hollowed benealh a swing-something he couldn't identify-large and l'll路like, but \\ilh a high, fluffy tail. He paused and then moved closer, pUlling a quiet fOOl forward 011 the grass and shifting his head to find the right trifocal lens. The creature had a squirrel's tail and squirrel posture, bUI somellling was lenibly wrong. Except for the tail, the squi'Tei was vinnally hairless, the pink folds of skin visible and shuddering in the early April wind. \,Vas it old? Young? A mutant? The squilTei sensed his presence and raised its head, wary, bllt 100 sick or weak 10 rear back and tense. It looked for all the world like someone on chemotherapy, he thought, the taut r.1.ce, the pale wisps of pinkish fuzz. The squilTei held its pose, eyeing him, assessing the danger, almost seeming 10 plead. Dlink,littJe fella, A.Illie So.1.id \\ithout speaking. Go ahead and dlink. As if il heard him, the animal bent to the water again, re\"erently, shyly, as though questioning its 0\\11 right to be at Summer 2003

lhls little pool. There was something lender about the way it put its front p..1 WS dO\\1l on the eal1h at the puddle's edge, hoping not to give injury 10 anything more \1llnel'able than itself, hoping not to be turned away. Very slowly Arnie crouched, stretching forlh his hand as though he would feed the creature, bUI as he did, his bum knee gave war, and he ""enl lo\\"er than he intended, tumbling onto his side in the still damp grass. He knew without seeing thai the squirrel had slal1led as he fell, and he was able to prop his head up jusl in time to see its tail disa.ppear inlo a row of spirea bushes 011 the other side of the park. "Damn knee," he said aloud, but without much anger. He Ia~' on his side until the pain subsided somewhal, and then began the business of righting himself. He might be old and decrepit, but he could still getup when he was down. He made his way home limping a little, and hungl)', but he didn't open the fridge or any of Ihe frozen entree boxes slill on Ihe countcr in the grocel)' bag. Instead, he pulled a chair inlo the hall nexl 10 the answering machine and pressed the bullon that said Rewind. The \"oice was still soft, still hesilant, and il seemed 10 come from an enormous distance. "Mr. Gunther?" Jeanne Manning began, "l\'ir. Gunther, I am calling you basically to apologize. 1 had no idea thai your wife jusl died or thai ... or lhat this whole business mighl be a source of glid to you." Jeanne Manning went on, and Arnie listened to the mess.'lge from Vera's daughter lwice and wrole her number down before he began to weep again. He let the tears now freelv this time, not for Ihe Vera he 100"ed, who was dead and gone, but for the other one, the Vera who-had he lived his life only a lillie differently-he might someday have come to kno\\'.

FUGUE #25

Don KlInz

How to Become a Blues Musician (For James BaJdwin)

Grow up in Harlem. Hang out in the hood. Be a homeboy. Let your bro go 10 college, be a high school teacher. Algebl7l, shit like Ihal. You know, \Vhitebread. Say you want to lea\"e to gel away from drugs. St'ay. Become ajunkie. Stand all corners. Listen 10 Ihe noise. Smoke some shit. Gel knocked around. Pig's knuckles, like that. Get busied. Go 10 jail. S\\7lP letters with YOllr bro who teaches high school algebl7l. Swap needles with your cell male. Call the guards hankies. Call yourself black. Hattie some cages. Get busted upside the head. Hear some new sOllnds. Hum a few bars. \"'hat yOll did to be so black and blue. Bars behind bars. Get oul on parole. Gel a night job. Nighl \\7llchman, janitor. Sweep up smoky bars. Minimum wage. Stay \\ith your bm. 13111 hang in the hood. Bur your own records. Listen. Muddy \"'alel'S, Sun House, Dr. Longhair, Howlin' \-\'olf. Play 'em loud. Play along. Listen 10 gospel singel'S on slreet comers. Hear the junkies whisper yom language. The sounds of heavy ll7lffic. SufTer. PI7lclice. \"'onder \\"hy ii's always dark olll'side. Inside, too. Find the lighl. Turn it on. See how dark you look. Brush your leelh every morning in a Cl7lcked mirror. Practice your smile. One morning see how rour teelh look like piano keys. Sell some shit. Buy a piano. Become a player. Make something up, somelhingwith leeth in it. Ebony and ivory. Sounds of the gheno. Shades of darkness-black, bmwn, bille. Feel the hood in vour ringel'S. Slick it in Iheir ears.

Summer 2003

Andrew Bradlcv

En el Asilo In the Kingdom of Deception overlooking the ti\'er the hard bread is divided by saw, the round cow ell la banqueta Joea que

/10

tienc 1;/z01J cel1";'\

eJ ojo.

The doctor asks the nurse, "Do you know who Goo isr To think of you , it pleases me. I think of you a great deal, yOIl and the music ofjoy.

'!lIe doctor asks 'he nurse, "How mallY died Iasillight?~ The one who refused the medicine he bclie\'es he sighs in a cathedral overlooking the green night wil h all ils nowers que I.1stima,

he calls the orderly mecmlOgl";'\fi:>, raw,路isions of the brain blllchcr signaling through naming doors as I think of yOIl in a dreamy slate. A cigarcue begins to lightthc straggly ends of my hair. I think ofyoll, I think ofyotl, it's like a religion

wilh peas;mts who belie\'e Cod is dead, but miss him, The doctor asks the nurse, "Tiellc IIIll1lla, arc you bluer They removc the Ilindow with the mountains on it and install the completely black onc in its place. The one who refused the medicine nics, .. Es 1.1 Noelle-78

FUGUE #25

she dresses all in white!~ Il scares the lj\'ing da~'ljglils out of the old teacher, who has !len:.- unered a single word. '!lIe lI'ashoowl, [he mirror, the balcony, I give each the lIame -my heal1. ~ This is how Illuch I think of you, I'm insalle,

If ~'ou came here, perhaps to share a cup of tea, I would place a book on the table before you. I would sit quietly and wait while the olle who refused the medicine rocked complacelllly. This is The Book of the Arrow. You dissoke it with your tcars.

Summ<:r 2003

Alison Knlpllick

Valentines

Around Valentine's Day J realized he was more than just another classmate-this boy with the big eyes, goofy smile and head that seemed too large for his three-year路old body. l\'ly three.year-old daughter Melanie and I were making ,'alemines for her preschool Valentine's Day !:>'1.11y, one for each kid in the class-twenty-eight valentines in all. We began the project 011 a weekend, when we were all sick, housebound and bored. My husband lay on the couch watching football. Maya, Ihe baby, crawled from room to room like an explorer, hands slapping the 0001' as she moved to warn liS of her arri,'al. And Killy, my twenty-one-year-old cat, in the last stages of kidney disease, occupied her usual spot on the corner of the couch-an inel1 black-and路white body propped up against a pillow, sleeping so deeply that I had to touch her to be sure she was still breathing. I was relieved to find an activity that would keep us bllsy. I went to the art supply store to buy the materials we would need to create valentines-red, blue, pUlllle and green gliller; stickers; eXll-a-large red emdopes forthe oversized hearts we would cut 0111. I am not al1istic by nature. But since having Melanie ,wd May-a I'd thrO\\11 myself into projecls that reminded me of the magic and illilocence of childhood. Melanie and I could do this projecltogether. J would cut out large he;trts from pink, red, purple and while construction paper. Melanie would decorate them wilh glitter and stickers--eats, hearts, insects, nowers,jullgle animals, binlssomething to please everyone and gi,'e each valentine a personal touch. 80

FUGUE #25

,,,resetlled ourselves at the dinillg roonl table, supplies laid out in assembly-line fashion. "''''hose valelllinc should wc make first?" I asked, looking over the list of kids in the class, tl1,illg to match faces to the namcs. I wasn't slllVlised by her choicc. "Olivia!" she announced, naming the girl she'd talked about most since stal1ing preschool. Olh'ia had been Melanie's first frielld. After months of hearing her complain that nobody liked her and she didn't likc anvbod.v I \\<\s pleased when she began playing with Olivia. B\lt theirs was a tempestuous relationship with leal'S and power stl1lggles and I wasn't sure \\"hether to encourage it. I cuI out a white heart. l\'1elanie chose some stickers and placed them on the heart. proclaiming, "Oliyia likes dogs! She doesn't like cats! I like cats!" I decided to forego my usual speech thai it was okay for two people to like the same things althe 5..l.me time. Instead I asked her what color glilter we should use. "Red," she answered. I made a glue design and g;lye her the red glitter 10 splinkle on. "Not bad," I thoughl, admilillg our handiwork. "Only twent~"路seven more togo." ",,,rho should we do next?" I asked. Her answer surplised me. "Sage!" she 5..l.id, hn race illuminated by her smile. "Let's do Sage because I like him!" I racked my brains trying 10 remember what I knew aboul Sage. He'd been the Cat in the Hal at the school Halloween p;U1y. The red and while striped stovepipe hal made his large head look even bigger, but with his rakish features and sly sense of humor he was a prelty convincing live version of the Or. Seuss original. Melanie carefully chose the stickers and colored glitter for Sage's valentine. She lost illleresl in the project soon alier that and I ended up making twenty-two of the Valelllincs by m~'self the night before the party. Butthongh her interest in the valentines waned, her interest ill Sage did nol. She came home from school each day telling stories abollt him. The inilial alll~lctioll had OCCUlTed at snack time, when he did undisclosed Summer 2003

Ihings \\ilh his milk thai made her laugh. He liked 10 say, "Pop Goes the ''''easel, nmmmullm," which also amused her. E..lCh time she talked about Sage, Melanie became radiant, as she recounted his exploits in a loud, cheerful mice. In Ihe preschool hallway, as we waited 10 pick lip our Rainforest Dillosaurs fronlthe Rainforest Room, I mentioned to Sage's mother how much my daughter liked her son. Each aliernoon we'd gotten into the habil of exchanging pleasantries while waiting for the preschool class to complete its final ritual. Huddled on the 0001' in a circle, Ihe children prelended 10 be encased in dinosaur eggs. ''''hen it was time 10 leave, one by one each child would crack out of the egg and run out of the classroom into the arms of a wailing parent. Sage's mother said, "That's funny because he never mentions her." She was a down-to-earth, practical looking l)1)e \\;lh sh0l1 hair, usually dressed in an oversized l-shil1 and sweatpanls. I was a little disappointed lhat Melanie had not become a central figure in their hOllsehold, as Sage had in ours. But observing Sage and Melanie at school in the weeks thatlollowed I could see that he liked her too. After cracking out of their dinosaur eggs and greeting us with hugs and kisses. Sage and Melanie would sometimes linger inlhe classroom, fondling Legos and chasing l\'1aya down the hallway. They didn't lalk much, but giggled a lot, circling each other like Spanish dancers engaged in an elaborate habanera. Soon Melanie began seeking oul Sage as soon as she anived 01.1 school, once rushing across the classroom 10 ask him if he liked coleslaw. Clearly a bond was forming. I suggesled a play date. He came over all a snowy day in early March. The night before I'd been like a nel....Ous leenager gelling ready for her first dale. I encouraged l'vlelanie 10 take a b."1lh, cleaned the house \\ith unusuallhoroughness, and sang her 10 sleep \\;th the promise of what lomorrow would bring, as lacy white snowOakes gently fell outside her window. Finally after school

FUGUE #25

thc ncxt day thcy arri\'ed-Sage, his mother and his h.1.by sistcl: ''''e spread out a feast of pe,lIllll bllller and jelly sandwiches, sliccd apples and milk.. 1wailed to see what would happen next. Like a first datc, it was awkward. Melanie was overly eager, pressing her lace close to Sage's, and thrusting books, balls, blocks, Legos, stuffed animals and dress-up clothcs in front of him, desperate to get him to play with her. I cringed. I was afraid he would recoil from so much unsolicited allention. ''''e sat dowlI to eat IlInch but Melanie and Sage were not interested in food. The dining room was uncolllfol1ably still. Baby Maya broke the silence by shouting "No!" when I ofiered her some apple. "No" was a \\"ord she'd recently leamed and enjoyed saying as noisily and as often as possible. Implacable no longer, Sage laughed, his r.,ce enveloped in his goofy grin. "No!" he echoed, standing up and dancing arOllnd Maya's high chair. She was delighted to find a partner in crime. "No!" she yelled, and began to ch0l11e. The duel continued, louder and louder. Melanie was crushed. She came to me, her head lowcred, big brown puppy-dog eyes on the verge of leal'S. "I don't like that he's playing \\;th Baby Maya," she whispered. I hugged her and wondered ho\\' many more times through the years she would be upstaged by her impish carrot-topped younger sister. Sage's mother lured him back to the table with his r.,mrite sn,lCk, frnit-navored drinkable yogurt in iridescent colors-watermelon and chal1reuse-packaged in skinny plastic tubes. Melanie's eyes widened. She had never seen yoglll1 of such vivid Inle or with such an elaborate delivery systenl. Shyly she asked for some and watched Sage to learn the Illost effective means of extracting the sweet nectar from its nower. Together they slowly lifted the tubes to their lips, meticulously squeezing Ihe gloop to the top as if it were toothpaste. Then, simultaneously, the~' slurped-loud and long, heads slighrly tilted back, as the deliciously sweet and creamy yogurt dripped into Summer 2003

their mouths and languidly dO\\lltheir thro.'11s. At that moment they resembled junkies, just after the needle goes in, relaxed by lhe warm flow of the liquid high lhrobbing through their veins. Trillnlphantly their eyes mel and they erupled in belly laughs. The ice was (inally and completely broken. 11le rest of the aftel1loon was ajo)rful melange ofactivity. They threw balls, made towers of blocks and Legos, and adollled themselves with a pink feather boa and an Egyptian fez. Then, with the unspoken instinct of 10llg路time dancing panners, they raced upstairs to IVleianie's bedroom and began jumping on her bed. Exhausted, they collapsed under her !lowered bedspread and read books, then climbed down from the bed, ran out the door and disappeared into my bedroom. I disco\"ered them in my bed, lying together under the covers reading more books, like a comfortable old married couple. The play date was a success. After that, Melanie talked about Sage constantly, but with a new self-asslll'ance. She blossomed, eager to go to school each day, self-confidelll and al ease around other people. I was Sllll:)I;sed at the relief I felt. My sensiti\'e, timid, aloof little girl was coming oul of her shell. Less than a week afler our play date, Sage's body el'llpted in violent bruises. His own immune system had attacked his blood, causing il to be deficient in platelets. He would Ileed a transfusion of platelets to build up the level in his blood stream, and careful monitoring for some months after thaI. \,Ve visited him the day before he went to the hospital for the transfusion. I\i lelanie was excited to bling him a gift-a glossy marine life sticker book filled wilh octopi, starfish, otters, and seals thai he coilid allilise himself with during the hours he would have to sit still, as lhe enrichment for his blood dripped intr;wenollslv into his body. He had a shiner that made him FUGUE #25

look likc a prizcfighter-a pint-sized Jack Dempsey-but his spirils wcrc stcadfaSI, as if 10 say "You should see Ihe other guy!" Though we'd planned 10 drop ofT our gift and leavc, wc stayed for two hours. As they had al our house, 1'\'leianie and Sage nil\'ibrated their way through piles of toys, stopping to share a peilnut buller sandwich, gargling mouthfuls of milk and giggling. The next \\路eek at school was difficult. \.ye knew Ilotlo expect Sage on Monday, the day of his transfusion. l\'lelanic was grumpy that day when 1 picked her IlJrtalllrllm prone, impossiblc to please. On Wednesday 1 reminded her excitedly thaI he would be thcre. He wasn't. And for the first time ever she dung to me when it was time to S<"ly goodbye, time for her to join the circle of children as the~1 sang their good morning song. "I need you, Mommy" she said, closing her eyes tightly and clutching me. And so I S<"lt with her that day and again on Friday morning, when Sage failed 10 appear. 1 held her in my ;UTIlS and sang with the circle of children, "The morc we get together, together, together, the more we gettogethcr the happier we arc." Sage ne\路er came back. Ncws of him trickled in like drops of blood after a pinprick. His platelets were low, his red and white blood cell levels were low, and his bone marrow levels had dropped 10 Ilextto nothing. He was in and out of the hospital. Doctors struggled to determine why his immune system had turned on his body and whether, given enough time, the blood would regenerate or he would eventually need a bone malTOW transplant. In the meantime he couldn't have visitors. As pal1 of this wail-and路see period, his immune system would be medicinally suppressed to see what his blood would do. For Sage, the pain of enforced isolation-no contact with children his own age except for the sick ones in the hospital---eould be as bad as the pain from the continual plicks of the needles that dripped the life-sustaining liquid into his body. Summer 2003

I thought a lot about pain then. Sage's p.-un, his mother's pain. As a mother ~'OU come to know e\"ery demel'll of your child's lxxiy and spirit. You notice e\"e~' new freckle. e\"ery bruise, e\"Cry s."l.dness. ""-\Ie WOller them \\ith kisses," a friend of mine once s.-ud. "111at's how the~' glOw." I wondered how it felt for Sage's mOL her, Ihis plain-spoken woman who g,l\"e the imprcssion Ihat she did not give in 10 excesses of emotion. How did it feel for her 10 hold her bruised and baltered child, 10 want to water him with kisses, knowing that the slightest touch gone too hard could bl1lise him all over again. She'd once lold me Ihal she was more comf0l1abie mothelinga threeyear-old than a baby. "Babies cry and you don't always know why or what you can do about il. But a three-year-old GUlllsllally lell ~'ou \\"hat's \\Tong," she explained. Now Sage's three-yearold body was telling her, something is \\Tong. Only no one knew for sure what 10 do about it. Sage's p..-un, his mother's pain, Melanic's I)'l.in. MeLl.Jlie kepi hel" eyes clamped shut at preschool circle time and I wondered what she didn't want 10 see. She came home from school each day angry and agitated, complaining about Oli\i... \\ith a ferocity that I hadn't heard once S.lge becamc pan of our li\"cs, hitting and pushing and shouting at!\'laya unlil I had to pry her away. Outside of school a new shyness 0\"cI100k her. 'Vhen she SI:KJke to people other than her falher and me, she whispered, and hid her face in my chest. I didn'l know how to comfort her, how to bring her back from the island she had retreated to. I hadn't expected her 10 have to deal \\ilh loss so soon after opening herself up to love. Sage's pain, his mother's pain, l\'lcianie's pain, my pain. En:1I though this wasn't happening to us, every time I looked at Melanie and s.1.W her vulnerability, I realized thai it was happening to llS. And my l)'lin at her pain wa.s I)'llpable. No mailer that there were olher things thailleeded my anentionvisiting in-laws and Ihe imminent death of Kin)', whose lxxiy

FUGUE 125

W;\s slowly shull iug down. IjllSt couldn't dull the pain. ''''aking lip in Ihe middle of one nighl, I was seized wilh Ihe nOlion Ihat I had to do something. That if fvlelanie and I cOllld create a project to reach out to Sage in the midst of his isolation, we would somehow ease everyone's pain. So the next moming,just as wc had with the valentines, we set ourseh"es lip at the dining room table, supplies laid out ill assel1lbl~"-line fashion-Melanie, her grandmother and me. ',Ve were making a Sage page-actually a series of f)<l.ges, olle lnreach Iellerofhis nanle. ''''e brougllt out Ollr trusty arl supplies and an asSOl1meni of ma.gazines to identify and cut out objects using the lellers of Sage's name. Just as she had with the ,~\Ientines, J'vlelanie lost interest in the project soon aher it began. My mother-in-law and I continued-thrilled to find storks, salmon, salami and snow, alligators, apples, asparagus and artichokes, geese, gorillas, green beans and gliller, elephants. egrets, English muffins and eagles-which we carefully positioned on each page. I placed the Sage page in a manila em:e!opc. Melanic chose the festive magic markers I lIsed to write Sage's name and address on it. For the next few da~"s, whene'"er she seemcd upset, together we would imagine Sage's reaction the day the Sage page arri'"cd in the mail.

Summer 2003

we settled in Seattle and stopped tr;l.\'e1ing, her fur lost its lustel: She began to resemble the tattered silk upholslery thai covered the fUllliture and pillows I'd collected on my travels years before. Now Kilty \\'as dying. Several monlhs earlier, on a frosly November nighl, she had disappeared. She mllsl ha\'e dragged herself off the couch, through the house, Ol1t the cat door, into the alley, somewhere. I discovered she was missing the nexl moming. I was unprepared for the wave of sadness that ovel1ook me as I cOlltemplaled the loss of this sweet creature with whom I had lived longer than any human being. Trying to keep my tears in check, all that day and illlo the night, I hunted for Kitty, Maya strapped to my b.l.ck, Melanie running in circles around me. At some point I stopped hunting for Kitty ;md hUllted for her body instead, convinced that she had taken herself off 10 die in some quiet, dark, remote space, but unwilling to leave her there. \,yhen later Ihat e\'ening a neighbor brought Killy home, alive bUI disoriented, I knew this had been a dress reheal'sal. My husband and I discussed how we would explain Kitty's death to Melanie, bllt we cOllldn't reach any conclusions. We didn't have a religious framework to fall back on-didn't believe in God or Heaven-so il felt h~1)Qclitical 10 promote these concepts. But to thrust the finality of death 01110 Melanie \\ith no means of finding comfort seemed wrong too. I spent hours sitting on the noor in The Secret Gardell, our neighborhood children's bookstore, crying as I slll"eyed the selection of books that gently introduce children to dealh. I \\o1S most dramlto "Cat Heaven," with its beautiful illustralions of happy cats lapping up milk and napping in Paradise. But it was hard to ignore the kind, elderly God, who walked among them, cats at his feel, a cat on his head. There were books that described the cycle of life using butternies, a willow tree, a leaf named Freddy. There were books about the loss of glO1ndparents, books about terminal illness, even a book that posed philosophical questions aboutlhe afterlife. I sat on the 88

FUGUE #25

floor and thumbed through these books and I cried. I cried for myself over the loss of Kiny. I cried for Sage and his folmily al lhe uncxpeclcd twist their li,"cs had taken. I cried for Melanie's loss of innoccncc. Frail, incontincnt, unablc to eal, Kitty had laken up residence in the bathroom, near the heat duct, where she lay in a soft, fuzzy, round blue cal bed with a brighl red, bluc and yellow checkered blanket to keep her warm. Each afternoon Melanie and Maya and Melanic's beloved, tattered sluned cal Meowme would sit on the bathroom 0001' nexl to Kitty, as if Ihey were visiting an elderly sick relativc in the hospital. fvlclanie would pretend to rcad to Kitty from hcr fa,路olile book, an Andy \Varhol collection of cat sketches. Occasionally Maya crawled closer to the cat bed, leaned in and gave Kitty a kiss. As Kitty shifted ill her bed, disturbing the blankct, Melanie would lenderly co'路er her up again. On the day lhat I knew would be Kilty's last, we stopped at a pct store to buy her a present. Melanie and I snined and fondled the selections, carefully making our choice-a red and blue catnip heal1. When wc gOI home, l\'lebnie I1lshed into the bathroom and said "Here you go Killy, here's your hear!! 111is will make yOll lee! beller!"

Summer 2003

yellow tissue paper, with \路i\路id purple ribbons, topped with a sprinkling of IDps~' red glitler. \-\re saw him once through the window of his house, leaning 011 the back of the couch looking out. The black eye had healed and his face was as smooth and clear as an angel's. He was pale, his n;lXen hail; lair skin and sky-blue eyes muted. It was as if he were pal1 of the upholstery of the couch he was leaning on and had faded from sitling there day after day, exposed 10 lhe afternoon slln. He looked like he had recclllly had a haircut. The cropped hair made his large head appear smaller, more in proportion with his body. I \\dtched him as he gazed outlhe window, before he saw me. I thoughl I detected a look of longing in his eyes. No longer dancing mischievously, they looked lonely. Poor sick lillie boy looking longingly out the "indow at the grcat wide world, which he could not go out in for fear of catching the genlls that dwelled there. When he spied Melanie and me he smiled. Not his usual big gool~r grin, but a quiet smile. I think he \\dS pleased to scc us. I\'lelanie grinncd and squirmcd excitedly. She \\dved animatedly. He waved slowly, quietly, like Queen 拢liZ."1belh greeting her subjccts. He moved in slow motion, totally unlike the erratic bursts of energy you get from a three-year-old, all the time, except when you ask them to hurry. I wondered if the blood no\\'ed differently through his veins now that it was depleted of its essential elements-the platelets, red and while blood cells and bone marrow lhat are essential to life. I imagincd il moving like caramel, thick and languid through the lillie boy body. Melanie blew him a kiss and we tllmed to go ollr separate \qys-him to the hospital to be poked and prodded, liS to pby in the warm spring sunshine. That afternoon we went to Swanson's Nursery. I had decided to create a Kilty arbor in our garden. Together, Melanie and J would select and plant a special shlllb and place a cat statue underneath it. I didn't intend [0 tell Melanie that Kilty's 90

FUGUE #25

ashes would also be buried there, at least not yet. But I wanted her to know that the arbor would be a place to remember Kitly and rind comfort. ''''e wandered among the aromatic, nowering shl1lbs-daphne odora, osmanthus, "ibul11um, before selecling the one wc \muld plant-picris japonica, lily-of-the-valley. ''''e also looked at stonc slatues of cats wcaring opera glasses, cats with binoculars, cats licking their paws, sleeping cals, pouncing cals. ] couldn'l find just the right onc so \\路c left, stopping to buy an azalea that was almost ready to bloom for our neighbor J\llike, who was recovering from open-heart surgery. I hoped these things-the Sage offerings, Kitty's arbor, Mike's az.... Ieawere connected in Melanie's consciousness the \''a~' they were in mine. These are the things we do for the creatures \\路e care about, ] wanted her 10 kno\\'. This is how we jJlO,路ide comfort when we can't control whal is happening. This is pal1 ofloving. I don't care what my kids choose to believe in as long as they are not J>.l.ssive. I know that they will experience the full range of human emotion, J>.l.in included, and that I will need to let their innocence go. So if along the way I can provide them \\路ith some tangible coping skills, so mud I the beneI'. I want them to know thai sometimes some glue, glitler, conslTuclioll paper, stickers and an oversized heart or two can help. On a blight chilly Sunday momingwith dark rain clouds threatening, the girls and their lather played with our next door neighbors while I bluied the cedar box that contained Kitty's ashes next to the lily-of-the-valley shrub Melanie and I had planted the week before. I spread a carpet of bark mulch over the area so yOIl couldn't tell it had been disturbed. The air was redolent with the smell of cedar. I thought I should say some special words, have some sort of ceremony, but it felt forced. Instead, while ow family played nearby, I dlOve to Swanson's, certain now of my choice. The rain clouds burst and it began 10 pour as I 1a~lthe smooth stolle statue of the sleeping cat in its Summer 2003

rightful spot, next to the lily~f-the路\<llley shl1lb. "Ha\'e a good rest, Kilty," I said. "II's good to know ~'OII'II always be nearby." Melanie and I admired the cat statue from our living room window, as sheets of l<lin poured dm\11. For the llrsttimc, she asked me, """here is Kitty?" "Her lxxly wore ont and she len us." I told her. "But the Kilty arbor is a place we can go \dlenc\'er we miss her and need to be dose 10 her." She looked at me and nodded, accepting what I had said without question. Then we went to Sage's house to bling him a gl<lb b."lg of novelty toys-lizard soap, a bird whistJe, a IlIbber monster head and his fa\'orite, a bright Ol<lnge rubber lobster that squeaked and bobbed lip and down from a siring. Sick with a cold, Melanie watched shyly from behind the screen door. Sage, who hadjnst been released from the hospital, ran around his li\~ng room \\ith the lobster bobbing up and dO\nl. Occasionally he stopped by the door so that he and Melanie could growl and make funny faces at each other. He looked like any normal kid except for the IV atlachmellt taped to his arlll. This lime Melanie was the sick one, the one who couldn't come in to play, for fear of infecting him. \"'e left Sage happily playing with his bobbing lobster and wenl home to our front )<lIU. The l<lin had Slopped. Together we \\<llked 10 Ihe Killyarbor, kneelingdm\1l so l'vlebllie could gel a good look allhe stalue. "Kilty's sleeping," she said in a hushed voice. "Slle's sleeping and I'lll gonua pat her." She leaned over and tenderly p.l.lled the cold, h;uu sleeping cat lying in the bark mulch. Then she rose and hand in hand we tllllled and \\<llked into the house.

FUGUE #25

James Grinwis

A Piece of Straw

I was huddled in my one路wheel drive vehide and the snow was snickelingdown. The last \\"Ords she had spoken were thudding around in my head: "johnny, when you going to rake out the trash already?" They were calm words and on the slllface seemed completely removed from the sting she really \\,lIlted them to have. But I wasn't stupid; I fellihe sting of them for sure, clear the \\o1Y to 1路95, which I \\,lS 1I0W on. I \\01SI1'1 gonna let her talk to me like that.lo/HJIJ.\; "hell .1'011 going to take alit the trash, loIJ1lu.\~ can YOli come dOlm hCJ"c .1 minute please. lohul/"I; your dog is lickil/g Ilimse/f .1g<lil1 and making that disgusting shuping noise . ... TIle insinuating underhandedness of these comments, day in and nighl out, each cloaked like an innocenl person \\,tlking halllliessly through the woods; I wasn't going to take them anymore. Bllt I was out now, way out, somewhere betweell Pigsbyand Djibouti. The lanterns along the highway grinded along under the SilO\\'. I had left quietly enongh like the way I'd come, like a requisition form brushed IInder a desk, innocuous, forgotten, nc\"er ha\路ing Pllt a dent in anybody's fablic at all.

Summer 2003

George McCollllick

You are going to be a good man

The moon has been 01T my left shoulder for thirty-seven years and I've never known a blue this bad, this pU'l)le. Lots of no-woman stories, sure, simple. Lots of gone·woman stOlies too. I am lost of gone woman, myself; nothing new here. But I need another story. ''''hat story I don't need is Gonewoman leaving East in a tTIICk of her parents' financing, driving right b<lCk into the calaloglles, leaving me halfa box of Lucky Challlls and a feeling that can only be summarized as A Submarine, TOJpedoed. But let's say that happens and let's say that the use of the transitive is more accurate here-happening. l'vly name is Dave and I\'e been up all morning, wandering m), noors dehydl~t1ed and naked and looking for something to placate m), forehead and chest which at last assessment were, well, si7.zling. OK, simple. Gonewoman leaves and goes east on the one road that nms through town. This is the road that delivel'S the tourists illihe summer and the sno\\TIlobilers in the winter. Our livelihood is that road. ';Ve are a service to people who don't live here but who ha\'e more money than us. ,,ye do not go to their cities and vacation when we have time off. It is a \'ery real thing to begin feeling like a parasite, living off pocketfall and false charity. I don't feel it much anymore, perhaps I've come to terms with it, but Gonewoman felt its burn incesS<'1ntly. She couldn't stand it, parasitic, and so leaves £..'1SI. £..'1st is the direction I do not go when I Iea\'c and go to to\\11 to buy provisions for my bar. She, Gonewoman, cocktailed for me for a year. I try and hire attractive women for the twin reasons of I) it brings in more business, and 2) I might find someliling good myself. II is smarmy policy, I know, and that's FUGUE 1'25

fine.

It is true that rVlontana winters are hard on women and machinery. By late fI.'larch this to\\'n got real small on Gonewoman. The low cloud cO\"er became a lid to her, fusing the slIll'ounding limrock to the sky to construct a tight, cold, winter box. This is bad. She is firteen years my junior and the gossip fills the Exxon mini-mart every morning like the stink of bUlllt coffee. \'''hen I go to town for pro"isiollS for the bar the three absolute staples are bourbon, microwave burritos, and aspirin. YOII can't e"en drive east in the winter. The town deadends in a snow b'lnk fifieen feetlall. This snow bank nms from here to Billings a hundred miles away. I saw Gone\\'Oman come bookingdO\Il1 on her skis once and go nying right ofT that snO\\' bank and land on the other side of the street. She loved the sOllnd of avalanches miles a\\'ay, and she moved on her skis as if she was something nuid herselr. See her? Crouched and n~rjng through the air? Like a miracle? Like \'Vonder \iVoman? She leaves east, firs! going to Colorado to get her college sl\ilT and then really east: Vermont. I hate both. I tell myself I loathe Colorado and Vermont so 111any times a day tllat tllere's no way I am not a \-\'estel:ner. I was born in a nice hospital in the middle of Billings, but today I feel like I was born in hell. I have expired Montana plates on my fonr-door, currently defullct, 1972, V-6, Fon.! J'vla'"erick. The Maverick's coat has been desclibed by others as: butterscotch, nacho, mac and cheese, IllllStal'd, manila envelope. Gone\\'oman once poetically waxed that it \I'aS the color of a faded yellow high\\'ay line. I myself like desert stone; then other days I prefer yellOll'. I have more than expired plates on the Maverick, I also have a tape deck wilh the Stones ill it. She's got a truck, had a truck; what is appropriate here? "",'hat constlllctioll points towards the Inuh oflhis a\\'fulleaving? The impelfect is a lie-she is not coming back; but the past participle kicks my ass in its finality. She leaves this morning. She leftlhis mOllling. She dl;,'cs onlo Summer 2003

the road and Ollt of this to\\"I1. She drove OlltO the road and out of this town. Ea,st lea\'es left; gone, wenl. I am thiI1y-se\'en years old and 11m a bar and bought the Maverick for $70 and a repairable snO\\' blower. I rebuilt the engille in shop class in high school because it was my only way to get to school. tvly father's tlllek was always drained of its gas and on blocks for the winter. Fun canl10l be described as negotiating icy bridges with my hllngover and insistent f;lther at the wheel, alljllst to go try and soke long division problems on a chalkboard in front of girls who proved impossible to kiss. \Ve read My Antonia olltlolld in class. \Vhere's the news there? Oil1 honse? Shit, I kno\\' an old Sioux named Billy the Sioux who fishes Iike]esus and li\'es his slimmer in a sOO house. Llst time I saw Billy I gave him a big thumbs up from across the river. "How are my Redskins doing?" he yelled. I didn't know ifhe meant the football team or his f;mlily hack on the reservation. "2路9" I yelled back, and it felt adequate for both. Here's the thing, in the great state of Montana I'm allowed to drive this rail leI rap l\hverick as I please. In Colorado or Vermont I'd be seized and incarcerated. My sister lives up in]udith Gap and drives a three路speed Rambler to her job at Subway. She's so short she has to sl'and on her college degrees to work the register. She is funny, you'd like her. Goncwoman was funny too. One morning I \\~lS Ollt in the yard thinking garden, even though the only things that live here at eight thou5.1.nd feet are those that can live on a rock or grow twenl}' feet into the ail'. I had my coffee in hand and the sun on my neck, I was scratching my stomach. I was in 100'e and if you would have chosen /lice to desClibe me at thaI moment you would ha\'c been accurate. I "<IS even considering a long and sentimental letter to my grandmother when Gonewoman came out in her kimono. "Look at you. Mr. Pleased because he got some last 96

FUGUE #25

night," she said. And she was light; the world is thaI simple. You could grow a ga.rden in January on the 1110011 ill a world Ihat yellow. There is this olher thing she tells me. \Ve'rc in the b.,ck of the Ma,路elick.lhis was b.'l.ck whcn il was runlling. \Ve wcre going backpacking in \Vyoming-I hadn't been b.,ckpacking in years-but we couldn't make it 10 the trailhead because we couldn't SlOP humping in Ihe b.'l.ck seal. Over and m'cr, until finally I was so much less m~'self than a weak suggestion of myself that alii could do was lay there while she fed me orange Galorade. Her body was this Ihing Ihat e\'et~ltime you looked al it yOll became optimistic. I could spend an aliernooll watching her slep illlo a pail' Le\i's. Circles begol semicircles. luscd 10 place shiny pennies 011 her while she slept simply because I liked Ihc way Ihey lookcd. I had no idea I had such a capacilY for joy. She was this healing thing, like the bumper-pool table was for me when my r.'lhcrdied and I was berefl, or bercaved. or whale\'cr. I didn'l C\'cn know Ihat word ulllil I needed it. I would pL'I.~'onthaltable for hours. My mind was life \\ilh simple gcometry. I could not drink enough and I could not lose. A y~ar later when I look m'er thc b.'I..r I hauled that thing to the dump. So wc're in thc b.1.ck of thc Ma\'click wilh Gatorade and hcr body was like a bumlxl""pooltablc and shc tells me, "YOli are going to be a good man." "No." "Yes, you are." I think aboul all that is impacled in thosc words: that I'm Ihil1y-scven and nOI yet a good mall; Ihat I'm going to be a good man elsewhere; thai I will be this Ihing when shc is gonc. And see this young woman; her lelling me, a man who is not exactly mool1\\tllking into his fOl1ies, Ihat hc has promise and potenlial? To tell him that when he's naked? lOll .lre going (0 be a good nl."l.ll. Sumrntr 2003

I've wrinen those words down so man v times that they're shapes to me no\\'. But I'll tell you what kills me most about allihe meaning and possibility in those shapes, .1'011 .1re going (0 be.1 good mall; lli;lt I am Ihil1y-seven and have never been. And she's light. And I need a fireball. A real one, not one of those little ones you get in your chest after the evening's first louch of bourbon. I need a fireball to loss around or turn me over. Pitch and hit one. I need one to lorch my bar; I need a fireball to put in the l\'laverick so she'll turn over. YOII get Gonewoman to tllrn over and, by God, you're fireballed in the best way. I've only seen two in my life. Three and a half decades and I've scen e.xactly two fireballs. The first one \qS when I was eight. There W;lS this dilapidated trailer down al the dump that me and my friend Lucas played in. 111C roof had collapsed in places and the doors were gone. \짜e busted out all the remaining windows and cleared a square in the roof where a stovepipe used to run. In it, we f.'lstcncd a trashcan turret. In the kitchen we constructed a cockpit, on the walls we taped maps, and in our fertile imaginalions we had omsekes a B-1? bomber. \짜e flcw missions over northern \짜yoming and into Idaho. Once we bombed Great Falls because thaI was where Lucas' stepfathcr was from. One day me and Lucas were playing there when an intense thunderstorm mO\'ed through thc valley. Lightning cracked and hail pocked lhe trailer's siding. I imagined flak and turbulence. '짜e began losing altitude. Lucas was piloting while I manned the HllTet. Messerschmidts d.u1ed as \\'e sank through the sky. And then I saw something I'd never seell before: sheet's of blue electricity hanging from the clouds. It felt as if we were rising now, gaining ahitude. There weren't bolts of lightning but undulating flags of it, and they were e,'erywhere ill the sky, enormous. Then there was Ihis sound that made evel~1hing look a differellt color and I saw another thing I'd never seen before and haven't seen since: a fiery 98

FUGUE '25

lumblewced, bluc and white, that bounced down the back road and direclly pasllhe trailer. I felt it move ill my leelh, the way you can a train whcn you are very close 10 the Iracks. Aher it vanished it rained harder than I've ever seen il I~lin. Lucas b<tiled oul as quickly as he could, hopping on his bike and pedaling like mad away from the trailer. I went home too. I "·as more excited than I was lerrified, unfortunately, and apparently I chose Dh mF f/lcking God in my description of the fireb.l.ll and had my moulh washed out in the b<lthroom sink. But to Ihis day, I kno\\' what I saw, <lnd I know you'd say 011 lU.'· fucking God too. The second fireball I saw was ten years ago during Ihe Yellowstone fires. The Foresl Service had set a back burn between 10\\11 and the advancing fire, hoping 10 get to the fuel first. The winds changed dramatically and the b.l.ck burn turned into a front burn that senl the fire raging towards 10WIl. Th<lt da~l, I hosed the bar down and loaded myself and my books and my stereo into the Maverick and took off easl. By Ihis time lown was surrounded on three sides by flames. I hit the accelerator and the Mavel;ck lurched, then made a kind of intestinal growling sound, and hit sixty-five by the time I passed the laSI gas stalion al the edge of lown. But a mile up the road the fire '\~lS closer, and before me were wa.lls of flame on either side, creating a kind oftul1nel. I slowed the Ma.\'erick way down and rolled up my windows. Then Ihese walls lifted lip into the air and s\\;r!ed into a single form. Now, I'm sure Ihere's some kJnd of scicntific explanation concerning gasses and oxygen b·e!s and all manner of things I don 'I understand, but al Ihat moment it was a len;fying miracle: these forces assembling at the same 1l10mentto craft Ihis naming circle thirty feet in the air. I saw it. I could fed the heat of il. I remember wallting 10 wash my face in cold water. I drove Ihe i"laverick righl under Ihat strange sun, and by the lime I tried to locate it in my rearVle\\, min·or it wa.s gone. That afternoon the rains came, the winds died, and either God 0'· something by another name saved our sad lillie Summer 2003

to\\11. One night a couple years ago Billy the Sioux Glme into the bar and showed me a photograph of the £ireha.lI. A friend of his on one oflhe £ire crews had taken it. I now ha,-e it framed and hanging behind the 1>..1.1'. 'Ie and Billy got dnlllk that nighl and I remember him telling me that whatever docsn't kill yOll makes yOll stronger. J guess, I So1.id. Because I'm feeling damn thin in the spilitthese days, Billy. Gonewoman and all. Because I could usc strangel; J could employ a fireball. Goncwoman came 10 town to sludy our wolves Ihat had been here rore\'cl~ and thcn were gone, and were now, brand new, here again. Thanks to whom I'm still unsure. She was on a crew that monitored one of the first reintroduced packs. It was a big deal. Natiollal Geog,.aphic\\7lS here; Connie Chung gOI ofT a helicopter that landed at the dump. One aftemoon I charged four dollars for a can of Rainier to a jOlllllalisl from Ihe Nell' York Times who insisted on parading around to\\11 in a fishing '·est. For a year there was money from IIni,-ersities I'd ne'-er heard, in stales I'd forgotlen the shapes of. Smdies were done, disscnalions compleled: J)iW'elic Jendencies in the A/phl Ala/e, by GonclIVnJ.llI. One day she found this spot where her pack had allacked and f.1.lIen a large elk. \-Ve drO\"e down there, and on the £irst day we found wolf tracks surrounding the carcass. ~nle foIlO\\;ng day, \\;th mOSI of the good meal scoured from Ihe bone, there were the fresh tracks of rodents. On the third day there were coyote plinls. Thatllight it snowed and the next day thcre wcre enormous wing marks in the snow surrounding the elk. I had no idea there were such things in this world as wing marks in snow, and thaI is jusl lhe thing, how Gonewoman lived in her eyes. She was a child, wondelfully like a child, in that way. Maybe if I'd gone to State and received a degree like Gonewoman then this town would be small and IInbear.tble, and I'd need to go out and see lhe world and discover things '00

FUGUE '25

like wing marks in snow. As il is I work on my own dissertation: Grief: Jlllorm:il Umbmge and Ihe Sinking Ship Phenomenon, b.l路 Dal路e.

Fuck this noise, I sa_y. I s..'ly again, olilioud. Theil ill the yard, then in Ihe Maverick. She still won'tlurn over. Say it again, "Fuck this noise!" Oil my way to the Exxonl stop by the river for possible instlllction. I pick grasshoppers Ollt of the tall grass and throw them into the river where they are lisen upon by trollt. Bill~' the Sioux is here, on the other side of the river. He is fishing one-handed, with lines tied 10 his fingers. It looks like he's manipulating an underwater mariollclte. I say Ihis. "No, just fishing," he s..'lYS. lllen I ask him, whal is one supposed to do \\ith leftover "You are right that there is no profit in it," he says. "I really have no use for such a failing quantity," I s..'lY. "Is all your information updated and finalized?' he asks. "ThaI is what terrifies me Billy, I both cra\-e and fear closure. ,. Billy hands me a branch and tells me il is his contact number, and, if I'm going to send a fa..'( nOI to do it before noon. He says he liies to sleep lIllIil one. Down al the Exxon I pick up my first post路depallure meal: two COIll dogs with mustard and a bag of Doritos. L'lst night it was pan flied Rainbow trout and a small, grilly spinach S<"llad. And the wille whose dregs I finished this morning in the yard. I have a conversation with Carl who 0\1"I1S the Exxon. He is seventy and he looks like he's been through exactly that much wimer. He is wearing a down vest with embroidered horses 011 it. As we talk I check it oul. They are not just horses, Ihey are stampeding palominos ill moonlight. This vest is the beginning and end of all high .111 in town, chainsaw sculptures Summer 2003

101

notwitllstandillg. Carl says nothing about Goncwoman. I don't know ifit is lact or oblivioll. \Vhat he S.1.Y'S is this, "Those Olympia tall cans?" "Yes." "They won't be intllltil Friday." "ThaI is fine, Carl. Thank you." I have no idea what day it is. This is not totally true. It is not Sunday. I can, and will, pick lip my mail. It is nOI Sunday. I buy a newspaperwollderillg if there might be an allicle about Gonewoman turning around and coming back. Therc is not. I don'l find anything on Goncwoman, but in Ihe sports section I find an article on E\"il Knie\d. Knievel, a native of BUlle, Mont., got his stall when hejumped o\'cr a car to promote his new motorcycle shop in \Vashington state. Knie\'e1 said he has no regrets for what he admits was a wild lifcstyle replete with women and alcohol. "I read a book about Alistotle Onassis, and that dumb baSlard didn'l know how to have a good time," Knievel told tile Billi/lgs G.1zctlc."1 drank more whiskcy and beer 'han him, I had a yacht the sa.me size as his. I had more boats than him. At olle time I had fOtllleen planes with my name painted on them, and I used to ny them side by side so I cOlild read my name at 40,000 feet. I had;\ great lime," Knievel sa.id. At the register Carl rings me up. I tell him Ihat I am not a good man. Hc places my corn dogs, chips, and newsp"lpel' in a paper sack, nods. "Bill I'm going to be. You klloll" thaI." He tears the receipt from the register and throws it into the bag. The steeds on his \'est Cllt light through shit of this world, and, unlike you or me, nlll right up cobalt light shafls and into a threadbare moon. 102

FUGUE #25

Flick Evil and his rocket car. I read somewhere that he had his hand duct taped to the p.'uachute relea.<;e le,-er the whole time. Knie,d dri"es like Mary Poppins. I couldjUlllP the Snake Ri"er in the Maverick if it meant something like Gonewoman. Rockel car, gi"e me a fucking break.

It has been O\'er four hours

since Gonewoman's going, and I sit in lhe yard with more wine waiting for this fact, the goning of woman, to obtain. She's pasl Cody. She's past the Big Horns and into the wide P.lll of the prairie, le\d as a lake, and the great nothing there aner to suggest this shilty lillie to\\'n built on rock, or my shilly lillie b.l.r built on booze. In the best possible version of things that wiUnot happen, she \\;11 call and cry tonighL Butlhe sooner all that won't happen happens, the closer I am to the black and necessary despair I know is coming. A black despair as long and white as ,dnter. I try the Maverick again, nothing. This is lI11embraceable. I will not be this way. Surrender is impossible: I willnol \\'ash my sheets. I go back to the river. Billy the Sioux is gone. I wade out into the river \\'ith my wine boltle. My God, ho\\' this day refuses to stop its quilling. I \\'ade Ollt into the river willi my winc bOllle. There is monofilament ill (he trees. The sky is purple and either e"il or stupid. J \\"ade OUI into lhe ri\'er with my wine bolt Ie. It is cold. Wait, listen; I have a master plan. It is this.

Summer 2003

IlOW

103

Cynthia]. Hollenbeck

Holy Water

Eyelids plump as lips. I SlalKI hesKle bUnlished chen禄' alKI blue s.ltin at Sl. Palrick路s. You wear pinsnipcs and a lie. skin lacky wilh makeup. \Vood pegs poke from your ncck, brain slcm snapped in two, Yamaha 250 a langle of chrome and crackcd fiberglass. Every Sunday as teens yOIl and I did tillle here. sang h~1nns loud and low as Pa\'arolli. laughs ricocheting off stained glass whereJeslis. cro~ dig.;ing into his b.lck. stumbled along his Polth. You sncaked OUI during Homily. showed up later. stink of tOb.1CCO dl'O\Hling the incense\\'e arTI,"ed L1te, left right artercomtnunion, sipped lhe blood of Chrisl bec.ause we kncw illl'as \\inc. \\'hen Falher Ryan laid thc while \\'afer Olllll~' tonguc.

C\"cn Ihen I kncw. we'd blister for our sins10

I kneel beforc thc 1>0.\:. lean in kiss your lips scwn ShUl,

c1ulch a memory like roS.ll~' heads: you abovc mc, hairless and slcck as my oll'n lJody al eight. lang of yeasl and s.lh. dipping inlo 1l1~' motllh, like fingers plunge into hoIY'\'aler10<

FUGUE~5

I bless myself, lei the fligid liquid lIickle down Illy forehead, because 10 wipe il away, I'\'e been told, is a sill.

Summer 2003

105

Kathleen l'vlcGookey

The Next Bad Thing

The ncxt bad thing\\'asJohnJr., lhe neighbor boy, ridin!; his motorcycle imo

lily sleep, thc sound appro.lching and thcn f.lllin!; away, approaching and recedin!;, unzipping, a long line of steps faHin!; dO\l~lward, the ro.ld a cun'cd slairc'asc, a lOll!; downhill.JohnJ r. is not a ooy but a man who lil'cs in a barn. Nobod~' knocked 011 his hcadooard to reveal a staircase leading to trees of silver and gold. AndJohnJr. is no swan: if animal. he'd be weasel: pointy nose, fair skin, skinny. III the dull light oflhe stupid moon, which doesn'l know bener than shine and fade, shine and fade, he fumbled with the locked J;:ltes to the field across the streel. And

1I0W

Illy dreams don 'I want me, they won't e\'ell send letters, just thin

silvery links of cobwebs, Ilot enough for a br;lcelet or anklet, IlOt enough to line Illy nest, my Clip of lllud that swings from the catalp.l tree.

106

FUGUE #25

Kalhlccl1 McGookey

Gift Horse

Inexplicable means yOll wouldn'l believe me even if I explained in a way you'd undersland. Inexplicable means the dealh of many lillIe flowers, holding lip lheir hands. She means 10 help him concenlrale bUl her lone emb.1rrasses mc. Couldn'l il be nicer? Less of a hiss? BUI even the long white stripe of the hiss f.1des from vic\\'. \Vonder of \\'onders, lillIe smile. No\\' lhal he has a child, he wanls his childhood lOYbox b.1ck. I sa~', '11Ial's belween brOlhers. Look a gifl horse inlhe leelh? Inlhe rnomh? lilu horscs in lhe field rub againsl each other and lhe COIl'S gallop 10 tlIeelme and Illy dogallhe fence. 'nle nexl bad Ihing: I ran the vaCllUlliloo long, beyond ils cap.1city, ulllil lhe bag overfilled and Ihe bell burned. lo be liked best, OI'el11y or secrelly the fal'orite, isn 'llhal anyone's go.11? Anyone's admirable goal? The secrelary gave me a valuable due aboul the copy machine: soon lhe code would be re"eale<1 and laken from me. I allllhe 1>'1d lhing, Ilhink brolher gelS 100 llluch credit for his I\'<lndelings and we. \\'ho've called and I'isiled lighl on schedule, haven't gollen enough. Give me lite IOYbox. I heard him plead. but we are nol aboullO gire anylhing Ill'.

Sl,lmnttr 2003

'07

Deborall Owen Moore

Hearing Disintegration

111e wOlJJan wilh no left ear is liding the blls again. 'Ille scenery is lhe same but she watches e\'el~' day for when il isn'l. 'lllOse who lide to her righl just look, blllihose 011 her left always whisper. lllc}' wanl to see the place her left ear isn'l. They ask if anyone's spied it. 'I'he left-handed whispers tickle her skin like dllcklingdo\\ll and tissue paper streamers dangling from the bus's ceilillg. They sway with the traffic, lhrough lhe fetid air of the bus, grazing her cheeks and elbows, Sollie fall and setde on the sticky floor; they'll Slay lJ.lsted lhere for days before they disintegrate.

lOS

FUGUE 1125

Christopher Essex

Tiny Pink Flowers I wasn't there bllt it doesn't maller, I know how it went anyway. My sister Heather, age 13, running through the mall parking lot, in her green and darker green Girl Scout uniform, showing a lot of brO\\ll leg given that she had grO\nl about three inches O\'er the summer. Throwing herself in the arms of her school's vice plincipal, who was just then stepping out of his aging yellow Toyot'a sedan. Looking up at him with her tear-streaked, freckle-f.1.ced cheeks. He never had a chance. Heatller had long blond hair, the sallie color and texture as cornhusks, tied in two pon~1ails. Other than growing taller, she hadn't developed noticeabl~1 in any other way, as I had noticed once or twice owing to the fact that the lock on Olll' b.l.throom door didn't work. Once I got a nasty pUlple bruise on my forehead from a thrown bar of soap. Mom tlied, but it was impossible for her to catch up wilh and stop her angry daughter as she ran aliI of lhe mall. For one lhing, she \\.\s al the top of her weight clll....e at thaI point, having spenl a lot of time digging into the refrigerator since her second husband left her. Two, she was slowed down by the need to push the stroller in which my younger brother Dylan sat. He was fOlll" and so ('aU now that he could barely fit in the stroller, but he demanded that my mom push him around everywhere Ihey wenl. When I was put in charge of him, I'd pull him out of it and make him walk, ignoring his cries and complaints. He walked fine. As for myself, I was silting in the food court, working on the second six inches of a Subway sandwich and a large Dr. Pepper spiked \\ilh a couple of capfuls of 11.1111. Across the table from me was my oldest and closest friend, whom I had kUO\\ll since kindergartcn. \짜e had been darn ncar inseparablc over Summer 2003

l09

the years, and in fact many of our high schoolteachers seemed to think of lIS as one unit-l\hrkanderic. Now, on this sUllny summer afternoon, jllsl as my sisler was throwing herself into the arms ofher,~ce plincip<'1l, he decides to lean over the table, his chin almost touching his steak and cheese and tell me he likes guys. Now what can I, what can a straight person like myself, say to his bestli'iend when he makes a statement like this? I ask yOIl. "You haven'l told anyone else, have you?" I hissed at him, placing my sandwich down on its waxed paper. "No," he said, his eyes a bil weI at the comers. "''''ell, you're not going to tell anyone, either," I said firmly. "'You're going to keep this absolutely, fuckinglutely to yourself. " He looked dowll at his drink and took a sip. "'You ha\'en't made some sorl of pass at anyone?" said, the words soullding very strange in my ears. He shook his head slowly. I sat hack in my chair. somewhat slightly relieved. I bit a large chunk oul of my sandwich, and quickly chewed on it. "'Veil," I said after a moment. "'At least that's something." "You're not telling me this for any particular reason, are you?" "I had to teU someone," he said quietly. "''''ell good," I said. "It's Ollt of your system no\\". Now," I leaned forward again and looked at him forcefully, "you're going 10 zip up your lips about this, gOI it? I'm not going to have people whispeling about you in gym or in the hallways. You've done a good job hiding il all these years, you're going to keep it up." Mark nodded. It's probably a bit late, but let me describe Mark. Moderately tall, thin, with brown hair and brown-framed glasses. He looked nerdy, but he didll'tlook gay. "Got it?" I said. T~1)ing this up, I sound like a bit of ajcrk, but this was just the way we always interacted. 1 was always the 110

FUGUE #25

alpha male, the bully, I suppose. I stuffed the rest of my sandwich into the plastic ba.g alld picked lip my drink and stood up. "I'nl seriOlls abOllt this," I told Mark. "Keep it to yourself or I'll seliously kick your ass. " I len him sitling al the table and didn't look back. As I was heading towards one of the exits, I saw Mom standing there with the stroller, talking to a mall sCCIlrity gnard. I turned 011 my heels and headed towards another way Ollt. I look M<lrk's bike instead of myown, 10 further punish him. My bike was a piece of shit and his was practically brand new, from his last birthday. 1 knew it would send him the righl message. Heather, on the other hand, was reclining the passenger seat ofl\'lr. Flip's Toyota to iI's furthest back position. The radio was lllrned to her favorite station and she was \\"ealing his sllnglasses. Flip would glance over al her every few blocks as they neared the city limits. I donbt he had any firm idea in his mind where Ihey were going. "I want a cigarette," she said suddenly, sitling up. "I don'l smoke, Heather," Mr. Flip said. Again, here I am late \\ith the physical descriplions. To give him credit, he \'';IS all athletic-looking fellow with a reasonable build from playing tennis whenever he gOI the chance. His main physical deficit was an overlarge nose and a thick head of brO\\1l hair that no mailer how it was styled never lay in any way that was remotely allraclive. His mother was British, his father American, and he had just the faintest, watered-down accenl at the edges of his speech. "I want a cigarette so b.l.dly," Heather said, "There's a gas station," The girl in the Girl Seolll unifOiTIl pointed. He looked over at her again for;1 moment and then had 10 StOlllPOll the brakes as he canle lip loa stoplight. "Fine," he said, his forehead fUIl"Owed. "And get a bottle of something sweel," Heather said as he got Olil of Ihe car a moment lalel~ "Some schu<lpps maybe. Summer 2003

III

Look for watelTlleioll." He nodded and shut his door behind him. I rode l\'lark's bike aroulld the neighborhood for quite a while, until I was tired, and then I went home. The phone kept ringing, but I ignored it, supposing it was Mark. I sat in my room, ate Cheetos and masturbated to images ofJan Brady 011 the tele,'ision. Unfortunately, she wasn't very prominent in Ihe day's episode, so I had to make do ,\ith focllsingon Florence Henderson most orthe time. Slill, she was prelly hOI.JUSI arter I finished, there was a knock on my window. I gro'lued, Ihinking it was Mark, bill gOI lip anyway. I pushed Ihe faded window drapes out of the wa~' and looked Ollt. II \\<\s Eddie, a fourth grader who lived a couple of houses away, sitting on his bike in the alley next to our hOllse. His mom was best f,iends with mille. "'\That did you do?" he said. "There's cop cars and cops all in front of yonr house. And the TV news too." "Shit, I don'l know," I sa.id, and it nashed in my mind that maybe Mark had lold someone. For a moment I panicked and just stood there frozen in fear. But theu I realized that, as boring as our lown was, they wouldn't send a news crew oul for thaI. J could hear the anchor: "Local boy likes dick. Interview \\ith his best friend at eleven." In any case, I climbed oul Ihe window and joined Eddie Ollt in the alley. I knew I didn't wanl to talk to any cops or repol1ers about whatever it \\<\s. III the back of my mind, I supposed, I figured it was my dad, the tirst one, the real one. He had gotten in trouble with Ihe law several times in the past. Unfortunately for Mr. Flip, Heather didn't stay in the car. She gOI bored after a minute or Iwo and walked into the gas station. The vice principal didn't notice her entrance, and neither did the clerk who \\<\s serving him, a mustachioed mall in his fifties. But the man's son, a high school dropout at seventeen, did notice, and Heather noticed him as well. He 112

FUGUE #25

was watching the girl in sunglasses and a Girl SCOllt uniform HTy closely as she took a package of red rl\vi".zlers from the display, looked it over carefully, as if she was reading the calories, lhe fat content or something, and then placed it in the pocket of her green uniform. She did Ihis wilh a Twix, a Nestle's Crunch and two dinerent flavors of Bubblicious gum, strawberry and lemon-lime. Then she turned and looked directly at the boy, who was leaning his awkward frame against lhe cOllnter. He had a nunlberof pimples and a shapeless mass ofcanut-colored hair on his head. As he walched, she Illmed away from him and with one hand lifled Ihe back of her dark green skil1, displaying the back of her pa.nties, with their tiny pink flowers, at him. Then she lowered it and slowly \\dlked to\\drds the door. ''''hen Mr. Flip came back to the car, his eyes widened at the sight of the red licorice in her mOlllh, bill he didn't say an~1hing. He just placed the brown paper b.l.g in her lap and started up the car. Eddie's brother, Paul, was two years older than I and lived in the second floor of his parents' garage. The place always smelled of car exhaust, due to the fact that his IIncle had killed himself in Ihe g"olrage a few years ago. Paul was walching TV when we anlved, but there wasn't any mention of what was going on in front of my hOllse on either of our two local stations. Paul \'';:lIlted 10 play cards with Eddie and me, but we weren't in the mood, so he just sat dowlI in his old, tom-up Ll.-Z-Boy and iii up a joint. He Imned down the sound on the TV \\lth the remote and with another tllllled up lhe volume on his stereo. He only had forty-five minutes before he had 10 get to \mrk. He cooked pan-lime at a tlllck stop on the edge of town, in a kitchen otherwise full of Mexicans. Over Ihe past year, he had leamcd 10 speak Spanish prelly well, at least in terms of cursing and kitchen supplies. I sat dO\\l1 on Ihe couch onlhe opposite side from Eddie. The smell of POl mixed with lhe lingering exhausl smell and made me feel a bit Iightheaded. I closed my eyes bUI was Summer 2003

113

suddenly shaken awake by Eddie, who had ahold of my arm. "Look!" he said, pointing at the screen. There was my mol her, her eyes red and wet, speaking into an out held mike, and the announcer saying something about a missing girl. "Don't they ha,'e to be gone for twellly路foul' hours before they're orricially missing?" Paul sajd, and then took another toke olTof the thilljoinl he held in his han(1. "Damn, your mom's fal," he added in a constl;cted voice as he lIied to hold in the smoke. "That's not nice," Eddie s,1.id. An old school photo of Heather nashed on the screen. Paullallghed. "Thai's an ancient picture. She's way holler than thai 110\\'." "Don't say she's hot. She's his sisler and anyway she's missing," Eddie s,"lid. "Fuck ofT, Eddie." Paul sal up in his L"l-Z-Boyand checked his walch. "I golla gel 10 work," he s,"lid, but didn't make any f1ll1her mO\'e. He walched the rest of the newscast with slightly glazed over eyes. Finally, as the commercial came on, he stood up, grabbed his leather jackel from the hook 011 the wall and opened the door. "L"lter, dudes," he s,"lid, slepping oul. "Fuck ofTyourself, Paul," Eddie s,"l.id, as the door closed. The boy stood lip and went over 10 the stereo and tumed it ofT. Then he walked m"er 10 his brotller's easy cllair, unzipped his jeans, and, as I walched, pissed all over the seal. \Vhen he was done, he zipped up and s,1.t down on Ihe couch again. "He doesn't tell me to fuck off," Ihe boy grumbled. Then he tllmed to me ,md s,"lid, "\Vanna watch Animaniacs?" "This isn't watermelon schnapps," Healher protested, holding the bottle up. "Keep it down, honey," 1\'(1'. Flip s,"lid. "The closest 1 could get is root beer schnapps. II's plenty s\\"eet and it's good, honev.Justlike . .vou." Heather laughed, and twisted ofT the top of the boule. II'

FUGUE 1125

She look a sip from il and frowned bllt didn't say an~1hillg. She sal back in her reclined seal and put a bare foot on the dash. She had kicked ofT her salldals many miles ago. "Nice toenail polish," Mr. Flip s.l.id, looking over at tile fool. "What a pretty shade of pink." "1 put it onjllst for you," she s.l.id. "For me?" he asked, genuinely surprised. "Are ~'ou fooling me? How did you kllow you would even see me today? School's been oul for almosl a month." "Oh,1 know," Ihe Girl Scout s.l.id. "You hang 0111 in the mall. I see you all the lime." "1 don't hang alit," he protested gently. "I do shopa lot. I just bought a house and I\'e gal a 101 of space to fill." "But ~Iotl're not married." He shook his head. "And you're not gay?" The mall shook his head again. "I hate faggots," he said calmly. "Here, leI me prove il [0 you that I'm nOI gay." They were at a stoplight and he quickly leancd over and kissed her on the lips. It was a shOl1 peck, as the light quickly changed. Aflcr the kiss, Healher lay there for a few moments in her reclined seat and jllst watched him. "Show me this new house," she finally said. "Oh, I don't think that's a good idea," Mr. Flip said quickly. "Did yOll think that was a quesljon?" Heathers.Lid, sitting up again, her mice "cry serious. "Did my "oice raise ill pitch nearing Ihe end of the sentence?" She shook her head. "No. That was not a question, l\'Ir. Flip." The man nodded, and at the ncxt interscction, made an illegal U-turn and headed back lowards to\\11. He frowned, bllt the girl just lay back again. "Does il hIll1?" she said aft.er a while, ill a nOllllaltone of ,路oice. "\"'hal?" Mr. Flip s.l.id. "Does it IUII1, being dragged around by your dick all Summer 2003

115

the time?" Mr. Flip frowned down at her for a moment, and then he spoke. "Yes. Yes, it does hurt, Heather." Shortly thereafter, he turned the car into the driveway of a smallish house in a pleasalll neighborhood. The house was painted a shade of yellow that \\dS just light, not 100 blight, not too pale. "Docs it have a pool?" Healher asked. "No.... Mr. Flip shook his head. "A jacuzzi?" "No." "A walerbed?" "No." "Shit," she S<1.id. "Yes, indeed," Mr. Flip said, opening his door. "Shit." He walked over to her door and opened it for her, taking care to glance around the neighborhood, trying 10 do it in a calm manner, 10 see who might be oul watering their 1a\\11S, walking the dog or taking alit the trash. No one. Seemingly, they were alone in the neighbodlOod. "Inside," he said. "Let's go." He hurried to the fronl door, bUI the girl, carrying lhe brown bag and che\\ing a huge wad of Bllbblicious, look her lime walking across the yard 10 the door. "Don'lll.lsh me," she said. "I'm not your wife. Oh,l'm sorry, nobody is." "Don'l bother trying to hUrl my feelings," Mr. Flip said. His hand genlly touched the small of her back as he hunied her inside the house. "They're long gone, honey. They were killed a long lime ago, by girls prettier than you." Mark knew exactly where 10 find me, when he saw I wasn't at home. Eddie let him in and then sal back down again, never taking his eyes ofT the screen. "Hi," l\'lark said, bllt I ignored him. The couch \\dS a long one, and he slal1ed to sil do\m in the space belween me and Eddie, btll I glared at him and he stepped back from the 116

FUGUE #25

cOllch. He walked inslead over 10 the L••l-Boy. "Don'I!" I s.aid,jllsl as he was aboullo sit dowlI. Eddie giggled. "Whal?" l\'lark said, annoyed now. "''''here do yOll wanl me 10 sit?" "Sit on Ihe call:>cl, or on Ihat slool," I told him. He pulled up Ihe old bar slool and awkwardly sat dO\\1l on ii, looking like all animal doing a trick. "1 heard aooul your sister," he said, after a moment, turning lowards me. "It's a day full of news," I said. "Aren't you worried?" he said. "II'S your siSler." "It's Heather," 1 said. "I'm worried about whoever's gOI her." Healher's gaze quickly took in the living 1'00m's conlents, the moderately sized television, the Iwo full bookshelves, the paillling of some deceased relative over the fireplace, the plants in the window. "I bet that cOllch folds Ollt, doesn't it?" she said. Mr. Flip nodded. Hcathc.·nodded, 100, and then walked into Ihe kitchell. Jnst as quickly, she walked Ollt again. "This is your bedroom?" she asked, poinling to one of the doors in the hall. "Yes. And that's the bathroom, and Ihat is my olTice," Mr. Flip said, pointing to each closed dool· in tllrn. "This place is cold," Heather said, grabbing her arms and pretending to shiver. "Can you do something about that? Build a fire, bring me a cat, or something." "Yes, honey." He nodded and starled ofT down the hall. "And stop calling me honey," she said. "It's creeping me out." "Okay, Heather." "That's bellcr," she said, and cven gave him a little smile as she opened the door 10 his office. Summer 2003

117

"You know, as a seat, this really sucks," Mark C\"entually St1.id, from his perch 011 the barstool. "Sit on the couch," Eddie said. I just watched as Mark pushed b<J"ck the siool and came over and St1.t down. But the moment his bUll tOllched the fablic of Ihe couch, I slood Up. 1 walked o\"er 10 the door and Stlid, "L1.ter, dudes." Eddie nodded, his allen lion still focused on the cu100ns 011 the screcn in front of him. Mark frO\\11ed at me. 1 tumed and went out the door. 1 was half a block away whell Mark caught up with me. Hc was riding my bike. and he skidded it to a stop beside me. "YOll kllow. as a best friend, you really suck," l\'lark said. "I don'tlhink so." I kept walking, and hc tlu'cw Ilis bikl.my bike-do\\1l. He ran over. reached 0111 and grabbed my arm. "Look, just forget 1 St1.id anything," Mark St1.id. "Come on." 1 let him SlOp me bUll wouldn't meet his eyes. In fact, I closed Ihem. ~Jaybc I hoped the (by would go away. the wholc worid and C\"cl'ything. But instead, in a moment, I felt something on my lips and my cyes opcned to see his closed eyelids an inch a\\7l~路 from mine. 1 pullcd away from Mark. "l1lat was the wrong thing 10 do. wasn'l il?" he St1.id, grinning crazily. 1 stepped back away from him. 1 Slumbled backwards and then ran quickly over 10 my bike, Icaped 011 and rode a\\7lY, pumping as fast as I could \\ith my sneakers. After he adjtlSled Ihe tllemlostat on the wall of the li\ing room, l\'Ir. Flip wcnt into his kitchen and made himself a drink, a Jack Daniel's and Coke with a higher concentration of.TD Ihalillormal. He took a long sip of the thick, s\\'eetliquid. He walked O\"er to the little color TV that Stlt on the COllnler, next to the microwavc. It had been a gift from his mother on his last birthday. InC\itabl~', as the screen nickered into life, he St1.W the face of the woman he kncw had to be Heather's mother. Hcr features were familiar; he had undoubtedly seen her numerous

FUGUE '25

times at school fUllctions. He watched her speak while he sipped al his drink, bllt he kepI the sound dO\\11lo\\'. He watched police officers speaking to the reporter. He saw a still image of his school. As he \\'atched, the hand that held the drink began to shake. Heather t~1>ed quickly, in her Iwo-fingered f.1.shion, on the computer keyboard. She was impressed with the vice principal's machine, it must ha\'e cost him a couple thousand dollars, she guessed. There were things allached to it that she had no hopes of identifying.

NO REALLY, GUESS, she typed. I DONT KNOW. DAVID'S? CLAY'S? LET ME KNOW, BOXERS? Heather laughed. NO, I'M AT Just then, fvIr. Flip entered the room with a folded blanket in his hand. Heather turned towards him, startled. "I brought this lor you. \Vhat are you doing?" "Oh, nothing," the girl said, taking the blanket and pUlling it o\'er her thin lap. He frowned as he looked at lhe screen. Of rOlll'Se, he kne\\' all about Instant Messenger, 100. "I think," he started to say, with a sigh, bill then paused. \路Vitll a couple of qllick, practiced keystrokes, Heather killed the Instant l\'lesscnger program, leaving Becky hanging. "Nice compuler," she said. "\路Vhat else does this house have? DVD? Maybe a pool table? Ping-Pong?" She slood lip and eagerly strode towards the door. "I want you to go," Mr. Flip said, quietly but firmly. She tHllled towards him, stal1led. "No, I'm SCI;OIlS," he said. "The school isn't a f.1.rwalk Ilnm here. I'd prefer not to dri\'c you. I'm sure rOll can make lip a lie to keep us both out of Ilnuble. You're a good liar, aren't you, Heather? I kno\\' you arc." "I don't want to lea\'e, not yel," Heather said. She s.'lt Summer 2003

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herselfdO\\11 in the desk chair, and spun it a qual1er-ways around in one direction, and then in lhe other direction. "I have a gun," he said, his voice just above a whisper. "'If you don't get out of this fucking house Ihis minute, honey, I'll go get it." He stared d0\\11 al her, his eyebrows dark and straight. "'Okay," she said, her voice soft and gentle, like a lillie girl's, for Ihe firsllime that afternoon. I was riding my bike around the bases on the school baseball diamond as fast as I could, round and round, coating myself with brown dusI, when I realized I had an audience, an audience of one sitting on the bleachers. I dropped the bike and walked over 10 lhe white-p.-ainled bleachers and sat down next to the Girl SeOUl. HealherolTered me a red Slick oflicolice and I took it. Her eyes were dark and ringed, like she'd been lip for a long time. "'You're back?" I said. She nodded. She spit some bubblegum down at the ground and immediately filled her mouth with another wad. \~rejust sallhere for a while, chc\\ing, staring out ;It the empty diamond, and the lush green grass, speckled here and there wilh bright yellow dandelions and tiny pink flowers, ulltil 1broke the silence. "'An~1hing interesting happen today?" I asked her. "'I got kissed, for the first time," she said. "'Me, too," I said. "'An}1hing else?" I said, after a moment. "'Nope," she said. "You?" "'Nope."

120

FUGUE #25

Marcia L Hurlow

Going to the Nursing Home for Aunt Benv

For Illore than fifty ~'ears this house has becnllly pridc and havcn. I leave it easily: it is Icss, so much lcss than lily pain it could be a wilted daisy chain I left as a child, brcathlcss and hung]]', my 1ll00hcr's call hcavcn as I ran to some other lost housc.

Summer 2003

\2\

Sandra NO\"ack

Attack of the Pod People

Beginning at midnight, \\"atch a twenty-four hour marathon of macabre movies like 771e Thing and Die, M01JsteJ~ Die! Your boyfriend, who loves horror movies, has two days offbefore his troop ships OlltlO the Middle E.1SI. You've decided on a sick day lomorrow, which yOli feel certain yOli will need and which he justifies by saying thaI yOll ha\'e too much sick time accrued any'way, so why not Slay in bed? Is il your [,1.1111 you're resilient, he asks? Smile and say, yeah, right. Thank him for his SUppOI1, but Iell him he doesn't have to tell yOll twice. He supplies the popcorn with the extl"a butter. "1'011 supply the quilts and comfy pillows which yOIl will hog during the scary scenes. Share one of your pillows \\ith Bo, the dog, though, because yOIl recognize thaI, as a pound-mull, Bo has already had a ]"aW deal in hie. Try to wean him from his nasty temperwilh offerings ofb.1.d-people-food like bUllery popcorn. He will greedily gobble gooey yellow pieces from your hands, and, if yOll are not careful, you could lose a few fingers. After Bo licks your fingers clean, he goes to the kitchen and laps up water. Say: Too much salt and then rub your O\nl belly. Lie with your bo~rfrielld on the \\"alerbed, feellhe ripples under your b;u'e limbs, Ihe cool \\"ater under the plastic mattress cover that bounces the two of you, you and him, up, then k.nocks your knees together. Draw the quilt tip to your chin in anticipation of any1hing frightening. 1m';lsiolJ ofthe Body SIl.ltchers comes on and he, your bo~rfriend, says, Oh, I love this one. Do not bother to tell him this one is a remake, that the original commented more on 122

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Communism and lhe Red Scare while this one, with Donald Sutherland, sllpposedly comments on relationships in the seventies. He ",iUnot care anyway. On the TV, Ihere's a distinci absellce or pods ;uld snatchers. YOli ease the grip on YOllrqllilt and say, Hey, maybe this won't be so bad. Ever~rthing seems innocuous, a world filled with dewy, peach-colored nowers and rain. 'Vhat could be nicer? Oh, look, yOll say, thai woman plucked one. Call her a plant murderer. Just wait, he tells you and smiles. Then he I1Ibs his hands and says, Oh, yeah, so loudly that Bo, back from the kitchen, growls before he hops up and settles down toward the undulating bonom of the walerbed. Give your ooyfliend the oowl of POPCOI1l. Offer it as a gesture, a sign that yOIl wanl to be close, that you \\"ant him to stay Ihe whole nigh!. l\'lake a grunting sound and hold ~'Our slomach. Bo growls again, Ihis time at your noisy belly. Your boyfriend says: It's a shame you can't ship that dog out to Ihe Middle [.1.SI. Remind your boyfdend thallhat would mean Bo would be wilh him. He asks why you e\"el' picked a dog like Bo in the firsl place. Pretend not to hear.1l1e truth is Bo had a sorry-looking race and was scheduled ror Ihe old heave-ho at the pound. YOII are a sucker for cases like Bo. He (the dog, not your bo~friend) settles on Ihe pillo\\' you toss him bllt eyes you suspiciously now that you no longer oller him popcorn. TOllch your elbow 10 your boyli'iend's arm, your fOOl to his calf. On the TV, people are beginning 10 act suspiciously, without reelings or emotions. They do nOllaugh al work. They cannot appreciate ajokc. Sex? Forget it. 'Vhal do they care? You think of earlier Ihat nighl, when yOll and your bo~rfrielld had sex, hoI\' he didn't look at yOll, how he looked Ollt the bedroom window instead, how, when you washed afterward, Summer 2003

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you had a red weil blossoming on yom thigh. Think: This must be a bunker mentality, all aggression. No fear, no emotion.just the f..1Cls, /1/.1 '.1./11. just spread 'e/1/ lI路ide. It !lllllS Ollt the Chinese \\"oman at the dry cleaners is an alien. Her husband just knows something is wrong but no one will listen: She \\"on', make love, \\"on't look him ill the eyes, won't iron and steam his shirts. You feel badly about all this. Say to him, your boyfriend: \,Vhat is it \\ith these movies? Tell him that whoever you pin your hopes on meets the enemy. Say: Isn't that the way it always is? He says he ne,"er pins his hopes on anything, so why should VOll? Remind him about Bo. Bo will perk up his ears. Say 10 both of them, Yes, there's always hope isn't there? \-\Then yOll say this, make baby-talk noises. Work crews lug thousands of pods ofT overseas boats ill an effort 10 create a \\'orld without hate or love, war, fear,joy, or anger. Not even bagpipes playing Auld Llllg S.me can stop them. A man and a dog sleep too closely together. \"'hen they wake up, they have turned into a Ilnllanl. Say, Come here, Bo, bllt when Bo doesn'tlislen, when he only raises his head and stares at you as thollgh you are a stranger, a stranger with no food offerings, inch a little closer toward your boyfriend instead. Take care not to let him know you are doing this, lhat yOll crave his skin, some knowledge of him there. \"'alch Donald Sutherland run into the darkness, trying desperately 10 escape from what could only be inevitable doom. How can a perSOll keep their eyes open for days, months on end? You ask. They can'l not sleep, you say. Th<lf's obvious. You are nearillg delirium romself, and it is only your first horror movie of the night. Sutherland leaves his lover 10 see if there might be an escape. He, yOllr boyfriend, sees Ihis scene and smiles knowingly. Here's the good part, he tells yOll. YOll grab one of 12-1

FUGUE #25

his pillows and hold it over your face. If rou're a pIlSS, ther gel yOIl, he says. They're already here, you say. Aliens. Tell him YO\l are certain 130 is one. \.ye'rc all monslers, you propose, ch;mged slowly from lhe inside out. Remind him of sex earlier thai evening. Do not men lion Ihe welt on your thigh. Tell him only that his hands were a bit rough. Dan', be a moron, he says. He tells yOH he thought it was sllpposed to be a fun night. He calls you a prude.JlIsllike the woman at the dry cleaners, he says, kissing your cheek. You don't argue Ihe point when il mighl hurt. Fine, you say. Let's just watch the movie. He tells you he's r/~'illg to watch the mo\'ie, thai he thought the idea was 10 have a good lime before he left. He says this as ifyoll didn't hear him the first lime. Think: It must jusl be YOlI,that yOIl are the one who feels strange, who regislers an alien difference. On the screen, Donald Sutherland tlies desperately to wake his lover bUI the pod people have gOllen her, and now, in his arms, her face and body crumble. Behind her, a look-alike emerges, sheltered in a field of high grasses. She is nude, though il is unlikely thai, as an alien, she will perform sexual favors. Your boyfriend whistles. He sits lip and 130, in no mood for the undulating mallress, starts a yapping fit until your boyfliend thro\\'s a pilla\\' at him, a lillie too hard. YOII don't say anything about his oOense toward your dog, aboul his ogling the alien enemy while lying in your bed, or abolltthe well which throbs on your thigh because you don't wantla fight before he leaves. You'd rather strike out, in lillie ways, against the Ihingthat you can't name. And if you can'l do that, you push and clamp down on it forever. Donald Sutherland, trapped under a water grate, prays. vVhcn next he appears, he is already tTanslormed. YOli see him walking in unison with other alien people, resuming his duties, not joking aboul sex, staring off to some distant focal Summer 2003

I, -

point, devoid of all feeling. All's wellihal ends well, you &1.y. Aliens rule Ihe earth. He wasn't strong enough to cut ii, your boyfriend tells you. SUlherland's mistake was leaving his troops; that's Ihe quickesl way to end up in lrouble and afraid, he says, Ihat Ihal is lIm\" they get you, when you're alone. Luckily, he tells you, he has his men and they Sl ick logel her. Tell him yon need a change of pace, that you've had enough alien aClion for one evcning. Your boyfriend says, ''''hat's \\Tong? The world, yOll &1.y. Us, Ihem, CVcl11hing. Coa.x Bo into the living room \\ith a pillow and trail of popcorn. Once on the couch, find an old movie, TheSollud of !vlusjc. As VOII \\-atch Julie Andrews nm across a mountain and spread her arms wide as if she could envelop the whole world in them, when you hear her sing Ih,lIlhe hills are alive, decide you have no choice but 10 take it on faith, 10 reach deep and bury allihe dogs within you that bile.

126

FUGUE #25

Challna Craig

Scrap Moon 7:18 a.m. Outside Oil the patio where the olher nurses gather 10 smoke. I sit dO\\1l on a block of wood carved to look like a black bear, and I \\·ish-not for Ihe firsttime-Ihat I was more like my SOil. The bear's nose, just inches from the ash can, is chalTed where the grown-up children of residents stub out their cigarelles. Anxious smokers, all of them, hUrJ)'ing to get in, hurrying to get out, unlike the nurses who 5<1'·01' their breaks, pulling smoke from the silialiest bllttS, holding it in their lungs 1I1ililihey can hold no longer. Then the nurses exhale. On an ordinary day ill Montana their brown haze is swept out by the blustering wind. Today is no ordinary day. V/indless. The clouds of smoke cluster and hover, the slllbborn ghosts of cigarelles. I \\ish I \'·ere like the olher nurses, nicotine a reason to be oul here e,·ery hour. I wish I were more like my son, his own life reason enough 10 never be where he doesn'l want to be. I am slill looking for my reason, waiting for a wind, a warm chinook, 10 blow it my way.

8:42 a.m. An acrid odor like urine or cleaning fluid Ihat smells like urine. That smell is in my clothes and hair, and I think it would be beller 10 be a smoker. A bushy·browed mall slubs out his cigarelte on Ihe bear's nose and rushes through the sliding doors. I must remember to move the ash can and spare the bear. Gerta cries out forjeslls from the 100-wing. I can hear her through an open window. jesus! OIl,jesus!This is all she says, though sometimes she will S<l.y thank you when I bling a Slimmer 2(0)

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Ctlp of tea. jesus, thank YOll. jesus. Still, she can eat on her own. She doesn't need diapers. She never tTies to escape. \Ve keep her with the other independents and Ollt of the 60o-wing, the place for those with dementia. l\'ly 0\\11 mother tries to escape. She \\'ouldjoin my son in Dallas if she could get that far. Three times a day the alarms blare from 600-wing. One of the nurses, a smoker named Liz, always calls to teU me. This morning my mOl her cried, told even'one she'd lost me. So I finished after-breakfast meds and wenl lor a visit in the found flesh. "No," she said, "this is not 111.1' child. Lucy wears pigtails." My mOl her went ofT to search the other residenls' rooms for wherever 1 was hiding. "Ready to go back inside?" Jeanette asks, nicking her bUll to the ground. I never know how to answer.

10: 16 a.m. We are Ollt for another breath of fresh air (carbon monoxide and toxic lar in jeanelle's case) when the busl\\'browed visilor sleps through Ihe silent sweep of the electric doors. He stops to light lip, then looks fiercely at us. He points with his smoldering cigarelle. "It's people like you," he says. "That's why I'm moving my f.1.ther to the other place. More breaks than work. You just watch people die." He leaves.]eanelle leis hercigarelle bum as she stares 01T after him and out to the open plain where not even a breeze rustles the shorl, brown grass. The fire haz,lrd \\'ill be high this spnng, summer even worse. "He's light aboulthe last pan," she says. "That's Monty Messmore's son." Monty is near comatose. Dying. \Ve change his bed and force-feed him, all that's left to do. "Is he really moving his father to River Manor?" Jeanette shakes her head. "He says he wants his father to be able 10 go on fishing I rips like they do at the River." 128

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1 see I'VIOIlIY Messmore in a wheelchair, rolled up 10 Ihe bank, cap propped on his head, pole tied to his amI. A sunfish biles and iI's enough 10 lumble his bony body into lhe shalla\\' edge of Ihe rivel: Fi,'e inches of waleI' would drown him. "Jes1ls," I muller. Somewhere inside the home Certa echoes me. II :38 a.m. Home lor lunch and I find Charlie where I left him-in front of cable news reading the ticker aloud. "A bus rollover in Virginia. Eight dead." "Hello to you too." Charlie was a high school guidance counsclorwho used 10 open Ihe doors to new beginnings. Now, retired, he's obsessed with disastrous endings. An alnlanac of tragedy. If I lell him how a fa\'orile residenl died of pneumonia complications, he will give me the del ailed story of Jim Henson's dealh: "He was still young. He had his whole life ahead of him. And he invented those Muppel's." If I bling lip the woman in her lwenties, a quadliplegic the slate gave \IS lcmporarily, he will lell mc she's lucky, Ihat he saw a show about such a girl, only her family was S/.1n:iug her ill a closet. Once, not long aflerthe school year stal1cd \\ilhout him, Charlie actually said, "I don't know how you stay in that job. Everyone just siuing around slaling al television, wailing for the next one to die." He turns from lhe TV and says, "Anolheraclress dead of a heroin ovcrdose." "She's lucky," I say, searching for the Stl.ndwich meat. "She'll ne"cr grow old and end up alone." "Is this aboul Dan again?" He leans out of his chair to see my face. 1 picture him toppling over. 'Vith his snack-eake belly, he might not get back lip. I was actually thinking of KalJina, a kind woman on my wing who loves birds and watches them from the picture Summer 2003

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\\indo\\'. Physically frail, she is sharp \\ilted. Her husband is long dead, she was all only child, and her onl~' child lives in Brazil. \\'hen he uied 10 get her to mO\'e dO\\11, she s..l.id, "'I'm 100 old 10 Icam Portuguese." Slle s..Lid, "'All my friends are here in Montana." BUI they are onl~' blllied here, under Ihe Sh0l1grass plain. 0 one ever visits her-a shame because she lo\'cs 10 talk. 'Vhcn the nurses are 100 busy, she talk.s 10 lhe birds. Once, she uied 10 talk. \\ilh Gert;t, but relulllcd disgusted. "l1lal woman is a prosel~1izcr. At least Jesus listens." ""'hy?" I ask. "Did Danny call?" He only calls during the day, when he can charge the bill to his workplace. "No, bill your r,uhel' did." "Is everything oka~t?" "He caughl a marlin. 'Veil, wilh a lot of help. He's sending pictures." My father li\'es \\ith his girlfliend, a wealthy \\idow none of us likes, in a retirement community in Florida. At eighty, he is still ocGlSionally Ihe IlIgged outdoorsman, Ihe manicured golf course his adn:lllurous standby. Charlie calls for me to bling him a Coke, then s..l.ys, "Your father imiled Dall OUI there for a summer boaling lIip." 1look OUI the kilchen \\indow where the C1'abapple tree is thinking aboul buds. "nlc branches are 1>Clfectly slill, like a photograph. Like we all exisl in Ihis snapshot, frozen, stllck. framed. I imagine my f.llher on Ihe prow of a fishing boat, gulf \\ind in his hair, mosl of \\'hich he still has. My son is beside him, pole out like a sword carving ad\'elllure inlo his future. "I thought Danny cOlildn't gel time ofT this summer. I thought thai was his reaSOll for 1101 coming here." I open Charlie's Coke for him aUlomatically, as if hc werc a child or eldcrly residenl. I finish spreading Ihe mustard. "'Vho knows?" Charlie replies. "'Vait, thc)"re saying something about thc dead actress." He 111l11S lip the volume, I walch a robin scttlc on a crab.l.pple branch. I cOllsider talking to ii, telling it how a fish as big as a marlin could dro\\11 my f.llher and my son in the deep ocean, how there would be no 130

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one to turn them over for another breath. Tllke Ih.1t message lIext lime .1'011 fly SOUIh. Behind the bird and the tree, like a little scrape in the sky, is what my mother called a "scrap moon." A shade lighter than the clouds, just a withered hangnail, yOli hardly noticed it. Throwaway. "They're saying that it might nol have been an accident. Only the coroner can clear that up. Did yOIl forget my Coker 1 bring it to him. He lakes it and drinks \\ililout so milch as a thanks. 1sit 10 eat my lunch and Charlie turns the television to a different news channel where two guesls are shollting at each other abolltl\'ledicare policies. "Politics," he mUliers, pressing the "back" button on the remote. "Commercial breaks!" he pouts when the previolls channel swilrhes to an ad for sllpplenlentallife insllrance. "I was inlerested," I say. ",.ye'li be old someday." ",.yell, aren't yOIl the cheery one?" Charlie says, and he finishes his Coke with a small, satisfied burp.

12:30 p.m. 011 my way b."l.ck in, 1 notice the ash can is missing. Some really \\indy days it lips and rolls into the bushes. Now it is just gone, and the wooden black bear sniffs empty air. 2:12 p.m. "Jesus!" Certa is holding a one路woman re\"ival. She rocks back and forth near the open window. "jesus!jesus!" "I wish she'd fuckin' simI up," rasps an old Illall fUlllbling 10 light his cigarelle. His ringers are s\\"ollen and twisted with al1hritis. No one helps him. Once, he nearly lit up while his oxygen tank was still acti\"e. He doesn't remember to tum it off, so the director said no smoking. But George knows about patients' rights. George called a lawyer, and now he's allowed as long as his tank is closed. But we aren't obligated to light cigarettes. Feed, wipe, and medicate, yes. Start a small Summer 2003

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fire? Not in the contract. So he works the slender ligluer like someone \\路earing healy work gloves. After five minutes, he is fl11strated, Ileal' tears. He says it's the wind in his e~'es. Only today is windless. Jeanene finishes her cigarette and heads inside. I pause. I have helped him before-after checking the valve on the tank. I do not want 10 end up in a thousand parts with the smell of urine and smoke ushering me to the afterlife. George looks up, shiny tears welling, bllt he doesn't ask for help. I shrug. "It's not good foryoll an~lway." "I ,,路ant a smoke," he hollers. "A fuckin' smoke. It's my light!" "Jesus!" cries Gel1a. "Jesus fuck!" George cries back. "We dOll't always get what we want," I say patiently. "And stop with the curse words." He tucks the cigarene and lighter back in his shil1, tUI1lS on the oxygen valve and, after a deep breath, says, "I got the right to curse. Consider yourself fucking sued."

4:20 p.m. I've checked 011 my mother in her before-dillner nap, spinle pooling in the grooves of her cheek. The nurses s.l.Y she misses me, but whal am 1 to do when she doesn't believe I'm me? Outside, no need for ajacket, and most of the slaffis there. Shih switch. One new nurse says she's got the rest of the \\路eek ofT to spend with her grandchildren who are visiting from Seattle. The wallets stal1 to come out, the obligatory photo exchange. 1 nml to sit 011 the bear and see that the ash can is back. "How did this gel here?" I ask the oohing crowd. "''''here was it before?" Someone says that George had it. "He thought it was a spare oxygen tank." She shrugs. "I had 10 dean up the damn ashes." "He didn't really think it was a tank," I 5..l.y. "He was 132

FUGUE 1t25

acting OUI." "He's losing it," the nurse replies, then nashes a fake smile al someone's baby photo. "Have to send him to dementia one day." She says it like it's a destination. A trip to sunny Deolentia. I remember that the ash can was missing before my dispute wilh George. I'm as paranoid as the worst of them. "Lucy, do you have grand kids?" The ne\\' nurse IS ofiering me pictures, forcing them into my hands. "No," I say. Then, blandly, "Oh, how cllle." "Kids?" "Yes, a son." "How old?" This is the hard pal1. This is where the convers.l.tion always stutters: I say he is thiI1y-two, the other person asks if he's married, I s.l.Y no, the other person pauses like she wants to ask if he's gay bUl doesn't know how. And I always wish he were gay then because it would be a reason, an explanation. I s.l.y, "Old enough to man)'. It's only a matter oftjme. I expect an announcement any day." This is a lie. The last lime I asked him about marriage, Danny ncady shouted into the phone. "Is that all you can think about? You, you, you. You want a grandchild, I wanl a life. I hare a life. I like my life. I like the girls I date and lhe oyster bars where we meet and weekend trips to the coasl. I don't walll 10 be old before my time." "So there's no one special?" I asked. "There are so many nice women in Montana. You should come up ami look." He sighed and hung up, and I sat in nw kitchen, wondering when it was lime to be old and why women accepled it so milch sooner. jeanelte looks at me wisely through a cloud of smoke and asks, "\o\'hal kind ohmmall do YOll think he'll finallv settle \\ith?" I know the answer already, but I sellie for another easy lie: "Someone just like me." Summer 200)

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8:09 p.m. ''''hen the phone rings, I nearly drop the plate 1 am rinsing. 1 am sure it is Danny. long O,"eltlue, and I think this time I might threaten to fly down there, see if that won't call his bluff. Charlie looks up from The Nell" Detect;,"es where a murder victim, burned in a trailer, has just been identified by a single molar. Charlie likes tragedies with hard-\'"on closure. "Hello?" Ll.Donna, the night nurse 011 GOO-wing, says, "Your mother won't senle dowll. She keeps gening out of bed 10 look for you. It's bothering lhe other residents. especially when she nmlmages through their drawers. Do yOIl want me to give her a sedative? Or maybe you want 10 talk 10 her?" Talkingwon'l work. r..ly voice will be a lie. She's looking for all infant. l\'ly first cradle was a dresser drawer, and I swear the smell of cedar still makes me feel safe. My mother is searching for a daughter who cries and needs her completely. I can pictlll~ her lifting the cOlliers of folded housecO<1.ts and undel1hings, expecling me. I can feel her fear when each time there is only another housecoat or the nat, hard botlom of the drawer. She is listening for my cry, her heart wild to find me and hold me tigh!. By tomorrow, I will be neither pig1ailed child nor dresser..<Jrawer infant. I will be sucked back inlO her useless womb. She'll refuse cCI1ain foods, telling the nurses lhat her pregnancy makes her stomach sensitive. Then the egg and spellll will separate and go their own ways, absorbed into the body to drown. Alone. Like the hot spark when lhe oxygen is turned off, I will fizzle. I look at my face reflected ill the black kitchen \\~ndow, shaky and unstable e'"ery time headlights on the street draw pas!. The scrap moon has long sillce set. "Sedate her," I say. "Make her settle down."

13-1

FUGUE #25

Daniel

Llle.'allO

The Libido

Thc IaSI gorgcous day thc sccond week of spring. \\'e have p.lccd our argumcnts with body through chcmothcrapy and childbil1h. No\\' opening our eyes and tasting lemon Ol"er hUllllllus, antipaslo, garlic in olivc oil, wc are rcgaining our senses. "nlis all falls undcr worldliness. DJiving beside us the young woman wailing M~lagic ~lal1~ out hcr".:lOp. She is, as she mOI"CS on 10 Ihe tlc.\:t light, our younger Eros. the libido wc had 10 swallow likc a lunch. Youngcr. inthc Sonol":ln spring, you and 1 wound up slill-snowy 1110untains. Thc camcra madc mc young smilillg inlo calm, laying a \\';11111 shadow like a good sundial. OfT<amera, lunch and wine. Years later, chemolherapy bags siphoned my taste. and your firSlllimeSIer curled with nausea, \\le have paced our argumellls with body, now southbound under the gOlhic I)ear! brewery, noll' shlll. Ol'cr a few spling weeks in our younger cit)' limlJ..loads of oranges sweelened and sickened and dropped. Orangcs you could ncvcr nc\'cr cal.

Summer 2003

13.5

Suzette Bishop

Hannah H6ch Berlill pholollJollt.v;e .1ltisf who used pop images offhe Modem 11"0/1),11/ ill lIel'work. 1889-1978. Based Oll her life. Imrk. and I\'ritillgs. SutiollS ill ilalics are qUOles from H6ch's l\'lifiJlgs or :lI"e lillt路s oflIel"l1'ol"ks.

~ly lIlother was an amateur p.,inter. Evelllually four siblings were born. I worked in my father's office. and I was pulled alit ofthe girls' high school to care for this child frolllthe time she was three days old ulltil she was six. Hair swept softly off the face is the perfect complement to this season's decidedly romantic turn-of-the-eentury dresses. "111e night scelle in lhe Imods. Sketc/I for MelllOli.ll to .111 llllPOl1.11lt

L1ce Shilt.

I studied glass design. I did Red Cross work. He leal'es pUll>le bmises blooming all Illy arms. I p.,eked lip and welltto Italy. Much oflhe trip to Roml' I made by fool. The borders had just reopened. It's gathered gently high atop the head to expose the sensual taper of the neck. the velvety smoothness of bare shoulders, and to create overall balance. (/he 1J.1;tIfef) IIl1d.l/ed. p,.ob.lb~l' 1920. He /hol/ght /lm/ the tre.lcherollS female soul (treachelY no doubt its 1ll0Sf impOitanl demenl alongside emptiness) could appear as a cubisl lemol/.I'd/ow spiral .11lJong fhe green.

Snow and bloollls-abortions in janualT and May. I wall! 10 blur the boundalies. Keep the look soft, touchable-not lacquered. 'Illey summoned me to a house on the sea. He himself was the most pclfeci I\Icrz work, a continuum. (met her then. She knell' holl' to put words together, how to look at me. 1933: Hitler. Everyone was suspect. L.,nguage was forgotten. \-Ve were hennelically sealed olT. Carni\"OI"Qlls plants. \VitlJ Tiro Faces: ~lasks, Vcils, Make路up. I keep the edgcs frayed. Be careful to choose a headpiece that accents your hairstyle but doesn't overpower it.

136

FUGUE #25

In the 11010miles at an altimde of IWO Ihousand melers where I was sup!X)sed 10 recuperate. I met my fUlIlre husband. \Ve nlllSI be opellto the beauties of fonuity. Your stylist can help analyze your hair's texture and recommend styles that will work with it, not against it. A machiue thai measures bcauty. He disappeared from my life. '\'C lived alone in a lillIe house with a big garden. My greatloncliness began. A haircut is an expression of yourself. The woman leaps away fmlll her shadow. She leans in al the hip and thell againslthe air, tumingand looking up p.l.sl her wrist. pasl her hand cupping the sheWs edge.

Summer 2003

137

Twelve Ways to Steal a Car

One If you find a car without an alarm (check on or near the dash lor a flashing light), just hammer a large flathead screwdriver (l prefer Craftsman) into the keyhole and turn hard, this should break the pins and allow vou 10 turn the chamber which opens the car. Make sure you check the glove compartillelll, dasll, center console, and under the seats-you don't want to wire a car and find the keys Iatel: Cut into the dash and near the ignition find two red wires, clltthem, splice them, and cross them. This only works for older cars however, newer cars have a lock mcchanism that doesn't .1.110\\路 you to turn the wheel 100 far wilhollt the ignition switched. Make sure you wear glO\路es because when you cross those two wires you're dealing with enough mlts from the bauery to leave a mark. Two Jack looked at me with that "'Sure you will" r.1.ce again and I swear to God, I thought I \\~lS going 10 scream. He just gets through fucking me from behind, my parents coming home any minute, skirt hiked up, underwear around my ankles, elbows on the dining room table next to the candle cenle'l)iece I helped my mom set up earlier for dinner, and he gives me thaI look. And when he gives me that smile, lhe St1.me one he gives to my mother when she asks him about his parenls for Christ's sake, I know I'vc had it. So when he steps into the kilchen, wearing only his shil1, and opens the fridge, taking out the milk and drinking right out of the containcr, I take his jeans and walk outside. I take the keys oul of his left front pockel and slide behind the wheel orhis lather's Mustang. I filld a pack of 138

FUGUE #25

cigarelles in his other pocket and Iighl one up, taking deep drags and lelling the smoke seep into the leather. I blow smoke against the dash and it plooms out like a mushroom cloud. I start the car and leelthe hum of the engine beneath me. I hike lip my skirt and let Jack's ctlm ease out of me and pool onto the seal. Jack comes out and stal1s banging on the window bUI I've got the doors locked and hc's not about to break the window of his father's Mustang, especially not in a pair of Hanes boxer briefs. I think I see my parents coming from dO\\ll lhe streel so I Pllt the cigarelle out in the passenger seat cushion, the olle where his fat-ass mom always sits, and reverse olltthe dri,路eway. I take ofTdown the road, lighting another cigarettc, steering the car with my knee. Three Get a spark plug and break the porcelain (the white stum into small, throwable pieces ,dlh a hammer. Take a piece of it and throw it against the window of the car. ''''hen the porcelain hits the window it's like a firecJ~lCker and the \\"indow explodes. Four A group of us wenl into the park with Nicki, Mike's younger brother who's a lillie retarded. \-Ye got to fooling around, pushing Nicki inlo girls, telling him to take it out and show ilto people-stupid stuff like lhal. Then Sanchez gets this idea of having Nicki steal a car so ifhe's caught we can Illsh lip and sa.y it isn't his fault-he'sjust retarded and all. Sanchez sees a car across the park in the alley, it's a '98 Chevy Cavalier. II's even got some exterior mods like tinted windows and a custom airbrush paint job. Anyway, Nicki wants 10 play the game because suddenly everyone is telling him what to do and how to do it and how we gOI his back if anyone or the cops come. He walks up to the car, doesn't even look around, and starts banging on the passenger side window. I mean damn, he doesn't Summer 2003

139

even try breaking the right window. ''''e're all on the other side of lhe street, silting on the park bench, watching, laughing, ha,'ing a grand old lime. Sanchez is on the ground,just rolling. I'm not even sure what Nicki plans on doing after he bllsts the windo\,' but it doesn't matter because a guy comes out to the car, pretty well buih,jeans and a red Blldweiserjackel.jllst as Nicki gets his rist through the window the guy pushes him to the ground. \-\le all run o"er and r.,'like and Sanchez act like lhey're going to beal the crap 0111 of Nicki, saying shit like "this is 0111' neighborhood motherfucker what do you think you're doing." The guy in the red Budweiser jacket is confused bIll he's pissed about his window being broke so he reaches Ollt and pops Nicki a good one in Ihe nose. Now Nicki's got a bloody nose and his rist is all fucked up too from breaking the ,\indo\\' with it and he's all confused with the way Sanchez and his brother are yelling al Ilinl. Theil Mike gets pissed at the guy for hitting his brother so we all stal1 beating the guy until he's on Ihe ground hugging his back tire and the cops come so we get tile Ilell Ollt of there, l'vlike and Nicki trailing behind becallse Mike's gOllO hold Nicki's hand whenever they cross a street or Nicki WOIl't go.

I told the crazy fucker to stay away from the dub. If Ihe car's got the dllb, mo"e on I told him. BUlthe crazy fucker got a hold of some liquid nitrogen in jersey and hejusl had 10 try it oUI. So he's sitting in the car, evell got the tiling nlnning because it was so cold, he said, he wanted to turn on the healer. So he's got his hammer silling in the passenger seat and he's ready to pour the liquid Ililrogen on the chlband snap it \\ith the hanmler and then show the car offlo his buddies, telling them all aboul the club and the liquid nitrogen like it's something he thought of himselr. BUI he pours Ihe damn liquid nitrogen on Ihe club wilh himself sitting right there in the dli,'er's seal. The Sluff goes right from the Oask 10 the club to the crotch of his pants.

FUGUE

~25

He gets out of there quick. I guess the healer in the car wasn't enough, and slarts I'Illllling do\\'n the streel like he's 011 lire. The crolch of his pants C1~lCks from lhe cold alld hils right ofT until he's running around, his frozen peckel' in the wind lor everyone 10 see.

Six Get ajack and lift the car olle to 1\\'0 feet on' the ground. This will automatically disable the alarm system because the car \\'illthink iI's being towed.

Amanda HalTingtoll invited me over to her house for dinner. It was just like I thought, front lawn with lights 'llong a path, parents dressed in khakis looking casual, Mr. Harrington shaking my hand and giving me a big smile. Dinner \\<1S salmon and we ate in the dining room, the dog whining in the doorway since he's not allowed on the dining room carpet. Amanda laughed at evel}1hing I said even though halflhe stuff \\'asjust me talkillg and she tOllclled my leg 1IIIder the table alone point alld Iler 1110tller noticed bllt smiled like it was OK. AfterdilUlel' we watched a movie, her fcl.ther in his olTice and her mother washing lip lhe dishes in the kitchen but the only tongue I got was the dog's who licked my hand like it \\'as a lreat. After the mo\'ie Amanda walked me to the door and I called my brolher on my cell phone who picked me lip at the end of the street but it took him half an hour or so since he had to gel lip ofT the cOllch and tU1"lllhe TV off and we live in town and she's lip 011 lhe hill overlooking the miley. L"lter that night, when my brother is on his way out to drink \\'ith some fliends I ask him to drop me off at Amanda's house. "\Arhat, now?" he asks. Yeah, I sav, I'm meeting up wilh he I: "Damn, good for you man, gel some of Ihat pussy for me," he says, rubbing Illy head with his knuckles. I have him drop me ofT at the end of Ihe block and he tells me I'll have to get home myself. He drives ofT and I Summer 2003

141

walk to Amanda's. The driveway is smooth stone and from up on the hill the stars are brighter. I hike up the garage door with a branch that I break off a tree in her yard and slide myself undemcath.1 walk to Ihe back of the garage and open the door which leads into hcr house and lhe kitchen is dark and the damn dog scares the hell out of me by sneaking up and licking tile shit out of my hand again. I take Ihe car keys off the message board where Ihere's a sticker fmlll Amanda's demisi saying she has an appointment on Tuesday. I starl.the car ill the garage, change the station on the radio from her father's to mine, and push the big white button on the garage door opener which is clipped onto the dri,'er's side visor. Eight Don't ever try 10 steal a BM\'V. I took a hammer 10 the window of a Beamer once and it didn't break. My buddy, Korlez, took one while it was still running. Some guy ran in for a Clip of coffee dO\m at lhe 7-11 on South l\ofain and Korlez jumped illihe hot seal and look offdowllthe ro.'ld. It had rained, so the roads were a lillie slick, but Kortez says the car took over and he ended up ill a telephone pole. He got out because of the airbags but he says to me, "Don't ever t11' to steal a BM'\!." ThaI's when I tried the hammer; It didn'l work. Now I pass them on the streel and give 'em a wink, they wink back. God help you if you every try to steal a Bl\'1\\!. Nine Getting a caris easy, it's getting a place to chop it that's hare!. Anyone can steal a car. Damn, I could go out and steal your car right now, but where ani I going to take it? And if y011 plan on converting the car, after you respray and change the plates, you better get the exact make and model car VINs from a \\Tecker, and don't miss lhe VIN at the oottom oflhe ashtray. And even if yOli can get the light VINs you better pray no one notices they've got the standard livets because manufacturers ],12

FUGUE #25

tailor their livets. Then you've got to sell it unregislered with a fake name, inspections 011 neulral sites, and always deliver the car. YOIl can do your OWIl chop shop style if you wanl but yOIl can'l do il too orten or you'll altl'<lCI allentioll and yOIl need 10 sell 10 al leasl lour or five dilTerent wreckers. Like I said, if you're plallning on making a living by stealing cars, first gel conlacts and some buyers or whatever, because getting a car is easv. Ten I vaselilled up my slim jim and slid her into a car jusl outside ofSan Diego-a 2000 Che,'y Monle Carlo, fully loaded righl down '0 the 16-inch diamond cui aluminum rims and stainless steel exhallsttip. 11~1Il il down to Tj and picked myself up a Mexican honey who called herself Maria which was Ihe 5.l.me as telling me she didn't wanl me 10 know her name. She was all over me because of Ihe car and a few American dollars so we got a room thaI even had a bedside table. Inside Ihe drawerof the bedside table \\(\5 a bible, c01ll1esy of the Gideons. Those damn Gideons are all over the place, I swear, wherever you go Ihere they are, hiding 0111 in evelY room of e\'eIY hotel, hospital and prison. So I opened the Greal Book and stal1ed reading, wcllnot so much reading as sillgingwhat I read ofT the tissue pages and stomping up and down 011 the bed. By this point \\'e Ilad already split a bottle of Don julio Teqllila and tile worm \\ClS sitting al the boltom of the bolt Ie. I knew I'd had enough when that damn worm wouldn't stop looking at me, which is when I gOI Ollt the bible and stal1ed singing with it Oil lOp of the bed. Maria didn't like that aile bit, she was the superstitious type and on top of thaI ,IJere was a ratherdctailed crucifix centered all the wall over the bed. Even though I laid her my mother was a devout Catholic who prayed for my everlasting soul daily, Maria wrestled the bible from my handsher milky smooth arms and calloused hands were an olherworldly strong. Arter Ihat it was all I could to do 10 get her to Summer 2003

\.13

sleep with me and e\'en then it was only 011 the floor becallse she wasn't about to stay in the bed I did the bible dance on with the dctailed dyingjeslls on the pale yellow wall looking down on the white shects below. In the morning I had a hell of a hangovcr and all my money was gone and so were the keys so I knew she had the l\'lonte Carlo. I thought about getting up and stal1ing after her but J knew she was long gone. I leaned over and opened lip the bedside table, yeah, she e\'cn took the Gideon's bible with her. But at least good oldJC \\<lS stillu!> on his \\<llIlookil1g dO\Hl on me. Eleven \Vhen I was ten and my mother didn't have enough money to take us Ollt to McDonald's for dinner I loaned her my life savings which was around fourteen dollars. Me and my younger brother Darrel ate Big t\hcs and Mom had the t\\'o cheeseburger combo meal. \o\le split olle large por~half diet Coke, half Cherry Coke. I looked out the window and S.-lW Dr. Farell getting Ollt of his Rolls Royce. He only took it Ollt on "pelfect days"-that's what he told me while he I'appcd my knees with his hammer that was made from some kind of orange rubber and shaped like a triangle. My legs kicked up and he 5<'lid, "Good, good." My mother paid him with a stack of one dollar bills-tip money, and he paned her ass 011 the way Ollt the door. She 5<1.t for a minute in our yellow sial ion wagon in the hospital parking lot. "Mom," 1 5<1.id. Then she stal1ed the car and we took off for McDonald's. \Ve're what you call regulars. I looked out at that car, eating the first meal I had ever paid for, and didn't know if I wanted to worship it or burn it to the ground. Five years later I got caught sCl<ltching a key alongside of it. They let Or. J::1.rell into the room with me and he called me "poor whitc trash who would never amount to aJl~1hing but nothing and if you had allY sense of what was good in this world you wouldn't ha\'e gOllen yourself into this mess and how could you even think of sCl<ltching a Rolls for CllI;st's 1路1路1

FUGUE #25

sake ii's not just any car do you even know IIOW mIlch tllat car is wOl1h. well more than you Ihal's for sure Danny Denlissen." He said "Danny Denlissen" like it was some poison he was trying to spil 011 me, cloak over me like a cocoon and ha\"e me suITer through for the rest of my life. From that moment on I kne\\" I had to steal that Rolls Royce. The llick, I found out Ialer afier a good deal of research, was 10 get the garage code from his daughter and thell Ihe ca.r was simple-old enough to get a screw(i1iver in Ihe weathcr stripping and work the window dO\\'ll. Then I put the car in neutral and pushed it dO\\1l the drive. ''''hi Ie it \\dS rolling I hopped in the driver's seat and popped it into gear and il stal1ed right up. Same !lick I learned from myoid mall on how tojump a car when the st'arter is shot to hell. Twelve You wouldn't belie\"e the shit I've found in cars once I gel them back to my pbce or in some parking lot. I mean everything from malijuana to baby formula. I've round a ton or Idtover Chinese, high school sweatshirts, ramily pictures, pom-one guy had a Slack or gay porn underneath Ihe spare tire to hide il rrom his wife, lipstick, condoms, flasks, coffee mugs with green shit growing in the boltom or them, lillie kid's underwear, asthma inhalcrs, antacid I'ablets-I once round an entire sct or encyclopedias in the trunk or a '98 Ford Escorl that had the pages cut out and dilly socks inside thcm, no\\" whalthe hell is thaI? YOli wouldn'l believe Ihe type or people thai are out there, waiting in line behind you al the grocery store.

Summer 2003

14.5

Alana Men'ill l\'1ahalTcy

Old Age as Wolf She reminds lIle: There .,re lJO heroes 0\ 0' age 30 ill

r.li1~1 tales;

go 1'C.,d folklOl'C where yOlmg people.1l"C s/llpid

and /Iced old people 10 slII"il'e t/wlJIsckes. A/tide One: Old age is the enemy. Blind man who WOIl't stop talking GianI man wilh a glievance Old troll \Vicked sleplilolher \Vitch Old age is lhe 1I'0IfbI0\\ing stmw oul of your bones.

Arlie'/e liro: Disney knew lhe score. Pill eyelashes on animals. It makes them cute. Put eyelashes on Mickey. ilmakes him f\'linnie. Gi\'e gids big eyes, iI's fOl'Cshadowing, You kno\\' lhey'llli\'e in the end. All ,illains must either smoke or ha\'e thick eyebro\\'s. All \'illains 1I11lS1 be o\'er the age of30. A/tide ,/111'('e: Old age is lhe \\'olfil1 your senile gl~Uldlllolher's gown, basket full of DNA. \ Vicked stepmother, menopausal, GianI neighborwilh all clecu'ic fence around his bcanslalk. Old spinsler adds children, Monly when expecting compan\'." Old age is death crying wolf, finalilY \\ilh no imlllediate obligalion to COlllmil.

'46

FUGUE #25

Elyse Fields

Continuing Modem

In the class I hate, we press the backs of our leotards to the ground and suspend our knees in the air. Scattered across the studio like little galaxies, we're supposed to feel OW" lungs expand-then collapse like the Big Bang in rewind. In-Oul. ''''e're supposed to leel our lower backs hollow as the IIpw.ud movement of our diaphragm pushes Olll" lailbones to the noor, imagine our breath going all the way down 10 Ihe core of the E.'l.l"th-then alllhe way lip 10 the sky. ''''e're supposed 10 suck energy from the ground like \\dter, feel it climb our calves 10 thc mountaintop of our knees-then lllsh down the olher side: thighs, Jibs, neck, head. Sometimes our leacher comes and traces the imaginary \\dtclfall on our bodies, our teacher who hasn't yet knowll me long enough to know my name. Her hands feel irrclc\"anl. l'vcjllst relurned from the ailvol1, \dlere I helped the mall I lovc board a plane for thc coast. He needs to find ajoh and I Ileed 10 finisll my degree and these tasks are incompatible here in this Midwest town and it is thc beginning of \\diting, nothing more-olily Ihe waiting feels like the kind I do when I hold my breath to suppress hiccups, or suspend my feet in the car to avoid bad luck crossing a tldin track. My traditional ballet class was incompatible, too, didn't fit into my graduate writing and leaching schedule. L'lbeled "Continuing rvl<Xlern," Ihe class I hate looked like an interesting substitute. I was primed for Picasso-esque body lines, a chance to cut the air with a sleekness heretolore resisted by my tlltll. rvlodern things would gel my mind ofT other lhings, I thought. Summer 2003

'47

But my teacher \\"anted to back up, slart with the essentials. In0111.

I'll see him in three mOlllhs, when we get our midsemester break, but thaI's a long time, so today I am trying 10 forget I have a body. I forget about the line bel\\"een the core of the [..1.rlh and the sky. I forget whether I'm breathing in or breathing oul. The water pump at my feet disappears. I lall asleep.

My mother tells me that when I \\"as born, I had the loudest cry of any baby in the hospital. l\'ly sister Mara, conversely, had a tiny, agitated whimper. She'd move her jaw around and \niggle her rib cage as if the two were pal1s of an instrument she couldn't putlogether, much less play. My brother Nick and I, teenagers at the time, laughed at the fact that no sound ever came oul. Somehow, though, Mal"a became adept at In-Ollt. In-OUT! She expressed her disregard for the car seal with such vigor she'd spit up her last meal, and we'd be forced to abort our mission: nothing was W0l1h dlivillg next to Mal"a's pair of lungs. "That girl is stubbom," Nick and I would warn our parents. "She's either going to be a lawyer when she grows up or she's going to grow up to be a criminal." Breathing has been around since [..1.11h's creatures cl"awled out of the \\"ater alld onto the land. Celhllar respiratioll, ho\\路ever, is a much older phenomenon. For millennia, it wasn't just Ihe lungs Ihal expanded and c0I111"acted, btll a creature's entire being. Single-celled organisnls pulled nllllients from their environlllent and expelled what they didn't need ba.ck into the ancienl seas: in-out, all through liny, celllilar pores. \Ve can do this, 5<'lys the teacher who mayor llIay not know my name. Lying on tIle noor, we splay 0111' limbs in a giant X like a starfish, then pull ourselves into a ball. Ball to X, X to baJJ, creatures gelling big, small.

FUGUE #25

I hale this class. The teacher is going around enslll;ng thai we keep our centers quiet as our limbs reach oul inlo the world. I keep sticking m~' rib cage Ollt, like the women on car hood ornaments. "It's a lxul habil," my teacher s.l.YS. "Keep your center cenlered." Often, I CIIr1 into Ihe center of an X-ball as I'm falling asleep. It seems a necessary shape for arranging and rearranging the worldly thill!,'S I've galhered dllring the day. \Vllell I fall asleep like this, I wake up with ideas, ready 10 wrile. Mara is so diITerentli'om Ille; since she was a baby, she's f.l.llen asleep with all her limbs spread Ollt, hands and feet and head directed 10 Ihe ends of the llni\"erse. 1 remember her in her crib and think of starfishes. I remember her in her crib and wonder whal il would feel like to Ie.l.ve my house first thing in Ihe mOllling and rob a bank in a high-powered execuliw suit. I e-mail the man I love that we had 10 lie nexlto another person in class today and aHempt to adopt their brealhing palleru. "1 don't want 10 be a\\"i1.re of anyone's breath but yours," I type. But then I think of Mara, and my fan lily, and nlY sllldenls and decide thai that's a prelly limiting approach to the universe. I press the backspace bar. I imagine I am an amoeba. pammecium. r have no rib cage.

lI11agllle I am a

My teacher knows my name now, but she l"i1.rel~1 c.lIls it; perhaps she senses how I count the weeks unlilthe class is over, beating myself up inside for not filling out a drop slip before the mid-semester date. 111e other day, my leacher was talking about the mess.l.ge people send out to the world by the way they organize themselves at a spinal level. "People who hold Iheir spines too ligidly are often pcrcei\"ed as uptight," she said. "People who leI their spines droop are perceived as Summer 2003

lI11moti\<1led." I sensed my own spine, slumped o\'erthe unused ballet barre in the back of the sludio. I wan led to go home. I \\<1nted to go home as I stood in the middle of Ihe studio in my leolaI'd wilh olle hand on my partner's head and Ihe olher on her tailbone. I \\<1nted 10 go home as I provided resistance to her spinal mo\'es in \'aliolls direclions: she was supposed to be pretending she \\<1S a fetus receiving feedback from Ihe ulerine wall and I, apparently, was supposed to be pretending I \\<1S a ulerus. I \\<1nted 10 go home as we switched places, and I felt nothing like a felllS, fell nothing for remembering whal il was like to be ill my mOl her's \\'Omb. My teacher had explained Ihal thinking abolll our first awareness of our spines wOlild repaltern us to take accounl of them today, but J didn't see whal this had 10 do wilh dancing. Standing in front of my own studellls-\\Titing studentsI Holice thai there's one girl, Brooke, who ne\'er parlicipates. It frllSII<1leS me because the ess.'1Ys she IUIllS into me are concise, insightful, lovingly buill. I'm about 10 call on her and ask her why she orall people isn'l open 10 learning when I notice she is slumping over her desk. II hilS me Ihen: she's like I am. I consciously stl<1ighlen my spine. Ball to X, X 10 ball, all 10 the \'oice of our teacher whose cL'1ss I'm trying on. I imagine I am an amoeba, absorbing nourishment, expelling my altitude and olher negative Ihings. I imagine I am a starfish. I center my center. \\Te move onto Ihe spine. E\'en wilhin the womb, our teacher tells liS, Ihe felus is able 10 sense ilself as ils head or lail pushes against lhe ulerine wall and recei\'es feedback frolll ils environment. Guided by Ihe head and supp0l1ed by a yield and push from the feel, our spines push us down the bin h canal t.o enler Ihe world. Today in class, we arc being born. JUI your head forward and yOIl look like you're going to stab someone, our leacher says;jut your head back and you 1.50

FUGUE 1'25

look likc thc cheerleader who snubbed you at prom. Tuck in your lower back and you'll slink like a whipped dog, lail between its lcgs. In our spines, we hold the powcr of postme. l\olore importantly, as our predecessors discovered, we hold tilC power of locomotion. The single-eelled organisms that developed head-tail appendages were able to swish around to a nutrient-rich ell\'ironment instead of \\<liting for a nUllient-lich environment to swish around to them. Their spawn were able to propel themselves through water as fish, slither tluough jungles as snakes, and scamper through \moolands as small mammals, gathering caches of seeds and nuts. Eventually, some of E..1.r1h 's creaturcs were able to raise their necks, sit, stand, move "el1ically through sp.'1ce. Up ofT the ground, fooo was for the taking and predators could be seen a long way ofT. Thc spine is so imp011ant to mammals thai newborn human babies turn their heads when their cheek is tOllched in a renex that rotates their spine to\\<1rd the mother's breast; wilhollt his or her spine, a newborn baby would fail its attempt at post-uterine nourishment. l'''lal";tlearned to walk the normal wav. I remember her lying 011 her stomach in the middle of the living room noor, eyeing what must have been to her Earth-fresh eyes an excruciatingly interesting table leg. She flailed arms and legs with as much encrgy as she could muster, but remained sU";ll1ded like a turtle turned over on ils shell. Suddenly, she realized that if she pushed her allllS into lhe ground, she'd move. It \\,lS an exciting, but disappointing discovery: she could only move herselfback\\<lnls! \iVilh consistent efT0I1, she came to learn that if she pushed with her feet and yielded with her amIS, she would move toward, nol ;m,ty from her goal. She began scooting, Ihen cl<1wling, then standing, holding onto the ,'cry table leg that had initiated her quest-it was all vcry rational.

Summer 2003

1.51

IVly mother tells me that I had no patience for stich middle stages. I pushed myself backwards and immediately decided my limbs just weren't worth the t!Duble of learning how 10 use. Instead of scooting or crawling, I simply rolled on my spine wherever I wailled to go. It was quite efficiellt. ''''hen my spine gOI tired of being horizontal, I experimented with it being vel1ical and went directly from rolling to walking. I never cried when my parents put me in the car seat. ]\llara never \\Tote stOlies. I consistently dream that my childhood friends are growll up bill still walking on the handstand hands of our kindergarten world. In real life, my friend Eric Herbison could get all the way across the playground upside-down, but now, in my head, he can gel all the wa~' across town. Olien he'll stop me at the entrance of lhe local bookstore and tell me lhat this refusal to move on anything but my feet is lhe reason I'm nol yet published. That this reluctance 10 consider my range of motion is why I can't find a way to be with lhe man I love. "'Eric," I say, shaking my head. "'I Gln'l even do push-nps. You're a ridiculous man." Monkeys walk nearly upright, bill lhey use lheir arms a great deal more than humans do. 'Ve are moving across Ihe noor like apes in Ihe class I'm coming 10 enjoy, swinging both feet in lhe air as we support ourselves Wilh our arms, reposilioningour hands like the rubber sloppcrs on the bonoms of cll1tches, lhen swinging our feet through again, It's only a small time thai we are completely SUPPol1ing ourseh'cs wilh our upper bodies, but it amazes me how relieved my lower body is when I take all the weight ofT of it. At one lime in my life-the time when I pushed myself wilh my arms as a baby and lhoughl I'd move forward-I considered all my limbs equal. Now my legs do 100% of the supporting, freeing my arms up for olher lasks-reaching for a glass of water, clapping at \

,.-,

FUGUE #25

concens, holding the man 1100"e. 1am thinking, though, in this class I'm coming to enjoy, Ihat monkeys drink and clap and hold too. All this while slill bcingable los\\ing branch 10 blanch! \Vhy did humans stop using theiran11s to SUppOl1 themseh"es? Snakes don'l ha\"(~ arms, 1i7.a rds don'l ha,"e arms, gazelles don't ha"e an11S. Limbs that can SUPIXH1 as well as reach are a late c,"olutionary featurc. \Vhy do we humans, supposedly the most evoked creatures on ÂŁ"11h, no longcr use thcm 10 Iheir fullest potcnlial? I""C becn thinking abOil1 sea anemones, reacllillg tlleir nowcr-Iike shoots orr inlo the ocean. Sea anemones close up whcn thcy sense danger, close lip so f.l.st that beforc you ran say, "monkey," they're a tight Iillic wart on thc leg of a dock. 1 wish Brooke wouldn't be so afraid 10 speak in class. Today in class we arc not going to ha,"e a discussion, I dccide off the cuff; we are going to ha,'e a reading. I tcll my studcnts to go outside and walch people mO\"e for ten minutes, then come back in and \\lile about it. One by one. they getup and sharc their observations. "I know we were supposed to watch peol>le," Brookc s.'~"S in a small "oice, "but I s.,w this duck fighting this olherduck in the ri'"er.. TIle one duck aJmost bit the other duck's leg off.. " TIle class is listening intently. Brookc's mice grows louder. "I think they wcre fighting ovcr Ihis girl duck. I ow 1don't know how you tell a girl duck from a boy duck, but this girl duck-I think it was a girl duck-was just precning and preening ..." An inelnant bUI hilarious story ensucs, complcte with Iaughtcr, questions, clapping, and confidence. I had a hUllch Brooke was a writer. I wanled her to sec that words 011 a page could be spoken as \\"ell as wrillen. that that possibility existed . Sea anemones dose lip before ~'ou can say, "monkey," but they Gm open back lip in the s.l.nlC amount oftimc, bUl"Sting illlo bloom before your cyes.

Summer 2003

153

I lie inlhe middle of my noor beneath Ihe hum of my computer, going ball to X, X to b.1.11, b.1.1I10 X. I stay in the X for a few moments, reaching my arms, legs, head, and tail oul as far as they will go. I haw no rib cage. I could get used to this. I could get lip light no\\' and plilH ofT this piece I'm \\Titing, send it to a publisher. \Ve ;lre talking about body half no\\' in the class I now like. \Ve are lying on the 0001' prelending to be babies. If yOll mO\"e 10 suck your Ihumb, even as an adult, the knee on thai same side of ~'Ollr body will rise to help rOll curve im\<lrd and meet your hane!. \Vhat's more, the other side of your body will elongate, arm reaching down to assisl Ihis curving motion-all \\"ithout any Ihinking on your pal1! The teacher is asking me if there is a side I prefer to curve and a side I prefer 10 elongate. I lell her I feel more comfortable mO\"ing to reach my right thumb. She asks me to stand and pick up one leg. I pick up the right. My right side is simply good at movingaround.I\'ly left is good at sUPPol1ing. My mOlherlells me Ihal I was \"ehcmently light-handed, that I wouldn't even pick lip a baby bollle wilh my left. Nick was vehemently left-handed. Today I teach students the proper order of words in a sentence and Nick creates comic books. Mara is light-handed, but only because her kindergal1en teacher made her choose. As a loddler, she ate with both hands, colored \\;th both hands, cuI paperwilh bolh hands. Any theory thai doesn't attribute handedness to genetics is pretty much disregarded these days, but sometimes when I walch my sister swim, I can't help but gi\"e habit some credit. l\'lara leamed to swim almost as early as she learned to walk. \"'hile my loddler activity-b.-tllet-invoh"ed standing on one leg (always chose my left) and sticking the other in the air (always chose my right), her toddler activit)' demanded she use both anlls and both legs simlillaneously. Mara has built equal streng"} in her shoulders, FUGUE #25

Icamcd 10 trust each side of hcr body to carry her across Ihc pool. I wondcr whal she will be when she grows up. To say criminal or lawyer no\\' seems small of Ole. Lying on our slomachs, my class males and I pull ourselves across the sludio floor onc !xxly half at a lime. It's harder than il sounds: we're nol allowed to dig our knees inlo the ground, or push ofT wilh our feet. I reach forward and feel muscles in my b.l.ck I've ne\'er fell before. I imagine I'm pulling myself across muddy ground, as if J'm in the mililary and this is boot camp. ]\'Iy lefl side is especially resistanl 10 reaching and ptllling. 'Vhat is the poinl of this repatterning, I ask myself. It's so hare!. ''''hat is Ihe pUIl>ose? I see Eric Herbison in my mind's eye. My b.l.ck hurlS the next day. My teacher Ie lis me I'm feeling my "scapula." I wonder how many olher muscles I ha\'e in my back thai I've never heard of and Ihat I never use. I look around at everyone lying ill the ground in leotards, knees in the air. I wonder how many gala.xies we have in onr universe Ihal we've never seen. 'Vhal if Ihe man I loved came 10 live with Ille, evell Ihough he didn'l have ajob hne? Or whal if we worked logether Ihis summer, even ifit meant at least one of LIS would ha\'e 10 forgo our usual slimmer jobs? It would lake sOllle planning and somc changing, maybe e,'en some sacrificing, bUI I feci leday, lying here on my back, thai people are stronger Ihan they Ihink. I adle for warm up 10 be o\'er so 1can put Illy "scapilla" back 10 work. Sometimes now when I'm falling asleep, I think aboul humans condensing inlo b.l.bies, inlo fetuses, inlo cells. It feels cozy. Sometimes I think about all my experiences gal he ring themsekes into one point, sharp as a paramecium stained benealh Ihe microscope. A bit of amocb.l. here, a bil of leaching Summer 2003

there, a bit of talking to Mara 011 the phone, the man llo\'e in lellers flung across the room, all a pari of one whole. Sometimes-for kicks-I imagine all human experience gathering in this point, including our dichotomies of head-tail, lipper-lower, left-right; including our evolution from fish and snakes and monkeys. Then I imagine that poilU expanding, Big Bang in fast-forward. It gets bigger than me. It gets bigger than all of us. And yet it is me, it is composed of all of liS. TomolTow when I \\-ake up, I am going 10 \\l"ite aholll expansion. The teacher of the class I 100"e is calling my name, and she is calling out leaps and dives and rolls that Picasso himself would never have dreamed or. vVe are ready for these things: it's time to dance.

156

FUGUE #25

I\'lalachi Mcintosh

Retail

I don't think most people realize how beauliful Ihey are when they smile. How their faces shrink up and their eyes expand and all you can see are the whites of their teelh the wrinkles on lheir face and all the joy swelling up from inside. If they knew, if they had any idea, they \\'ould do il all the time. I think forsonle reason a lot of people ,Ire emo.l.lTassed. They feel like Ihey ha\'e 10 hide everything inside. Their happiness is for them or their children or their partner. Not for strangers. Heaven forbid you glill al a passerby or a vendor or thc man that checks out your groceries at the superm;u'kct every week. Heaven forbid yOll show anyone you don't know your face al it's best. Babies smile jusl for the sake of it, adults never do. Yesterday I pulled a double to cover for Cody who called in sick, again, his fifth time this week. It's always the same with the young kids, a party, a concert, it hot date comes lip and they're immediately on the phone, coughing, wheezing, snol1ing, begging to have the day ofT. It's illegal to sa~' 110 to them so Andrew alwa~ls has to concede and I always ha\'c 10 covcr. Every once in a while we gel lucky and Ihe kid forgets and comes into the store, obli,'ious, to buy some pOlato chips or a sandwich or something they could have gotten anywhere else. Just laughing with Iheir group of fliends around Ihem, lelling this joke or the other. I always ask them how they're feeling, and, without fail, they simply shlllg and say: "Fine."

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The only kids )'0\1 can COlillt all are the ugly ones. The greasy girls, the pimple.faced guys, the too thin or the too fat, they'll always show up on time everyday, willing to do whatever you ask, \\illing 10 work as long as you want. Sometimes it's almost as ifyotl have to force them 10 go home. Yeslerday, a lady came Ill' to my register to buy something near enough to close, a cal10n of ice cream I think. She was average in jusl about every way you can be, brown eyes and hair, about five路six or so. She was flustered because around close we go from our usual live regislers to just two and then one. She seemed 10 be in ;t hurry and when her item didn'l scan she looked at me and asked me if I knew whal I was doing. It's something I get all day long. Bllt the thing about il was, when she looked III' at me I sa.w her face fuJly for the firsl time. It was paralyzed. All dO\\"II the left side. Her eye \\O\s heavily lidded, her mouth drooped at the edge, and all the skin onlhe one half was as smooth and soft as pudding. And, on lap of it all, from the comer of her ear allihe way dowl1 her cheek and chin and running on to her neck was a Ihick pink scar. She was hideous. I stopped moving when I S.lW her f.l.ce; Ijust fmze up and stared. She must have known what I was looking al but she didn'l say a thing, she didn't look away, shejusl wailed for me 10 go back to ringing, to fix the problem. After she had left all I could think about \\O\s if she had a husband al home, if she had ever been with a man. At home, alone,laler that night, the image of the woman kept flickering in my mind, all of her, her race, her anger, and how she was probably at home just like me, on a cOllch or a bed, eating her ice cream and softening it with her tears. Anna路Maria, the girl from the bakery department, asked me whal I did for fun. It was in the afternoon sometime, maybe light before or after lunch I1Ish. Her boyfliend had proposed to her the day before, bought her a bouquet of lilies with a tiny ].58

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diamond ring around one of the stems. The bouquel was wrapped in lace and il had been the l1Iost beaulifulthing she had ever seen. "Mami, eres mi CO'~lZOIl, te amo," he said when she found iI, after he told her to pUlthe nowers in some water so they wouldn't die. They were getting married in twelve weeks on May ISh. Their lillie son Eli couldn't have been happier. Anna-Maria cOllldn', have been happiel: She wanted to know if anything I did ever made me feel that good. I told her I didn't do much. "But \Villiangwhat doesjorwife do withjou whengjou aren't here at the store?" I'm not married, I told her, never have been. "Jol1r giI1frieng?" Don't have one of those either, haven', for a long loug time. "]ourfamili?" There isn't much left, and what is lives across the countn', "Theng what do yOIl do by jourself, whengjoll \\~n to "clax aug ha\'e fung, \,Vha givesjoujoy?" I don't know. I just walk around mostly, I said, just \\~Ik around and wail. "\Vail, wail lor wha?" Same thing we're all wailing for, I guess. I moved E..'1st when I \\~s twenty-nine,living back home bringing me down and I had to do something. I thought the change in climate would be good for me, I'd meet some people and try to get something started, a business, a famil~l. They all said I \\~sjust running. ThaI I couldn't get a\\rty from it, that the things thaI make you restless will follow you until you change. I don'l know, \\~s

Summer 2003

l.i9

Andrcw hircd mc four mOllths aftcr I aITi,路ed, told me to get a good winterjacket, a scarf and a hat, showcd me how to run Ihe registcr. It's been a few gray hairs since thell. I know register five works better than register eight because the $ ke~' sticks 011 1I,路e. I know that milk gets rotated 011 Thursdays and that it's the best time to buy because the new stulTis sometimes dated more than a week ahead. Andre\\" had heal1 surgeJ1' once and his wife's name is Margaret. The items fUl1her back onthe shelf usually aren't the freshest because the stock crew can't be bothered to pull Ollt all the old stuff and put the new stuff behind. Hemember to tcllthe fiftcen-year-olds to never mix ammonia and bleach. That both don't clean any better than either alone. I know old black womell and young white boys take the longest breaks ami immigrants, no mailer where they're from, work harder than any five people put together. Customers never really care what you ans\\"er to any of their questions. And no one ever says thank yOIl thai won't yell at yOll immediately if they realize you've made the smallest mistake. My time in between shifts is 011 the strects, strolling, \\rllching everyone \\rllking in a hurry from here to there. I see kids nUl ahead of their parents and get yelled at and the same parents yelling when the kids lag behind. I see joggers and dog walkers and sprinters and bikers. I see a million couples cuddling, kissing, caressing, and smiling those special dizzy smiles. Sometimes I \\路ant to walk up to them and block their paths.]ustto see how long iltakes for their smiles to tllrn into fro\\"IIS, their coos into yells. Ho\\' long does it take for rOil to hide back inside yourself:l To reinforce the \\rlllthat stlrlngers aren't allowed to climb? My favorite places are the parks that everyone passes through all their lunch breaks, dO\\"lltO\\1l, right near the center, 160

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\dlere you can see every type: executives, students, homeless men stirring garb.-.ge, looking for anything worthwhile at all. ''''hen they're by themselves, almost everyone walks as if they're being chased. A long time ago, years by now, I saw an old woman trip while walking on perfectly smooth sidewalk, trip and fall and hil and lay slifT. She mllst ha\'e been at least seventy. Her fall was quick, a shall> smack. The woman's body \\'as nothing, so frail she didn'l even whimper, just hit and stopped. Dead. These people on their lunch breaks with only howe\'er many III inutes leftjllst stopped and stared, everyone looking at everyone else, expecting someone to deal with the problem. Some shook their heads and kept going, most just slayed frozen, whispeling. She bled, face down, immobile. After I couldn't stand watching them fonning a circle with their eyes I went O\'erand helped her up, her bloodied nose cOIHrastillg, makillg her skin look even nlore pale than it could have possibly been, white paper splashed with red paint. I cleaned her lip. The whole lime she clutched firmly on 10 her purse. Cody didn't cOllie in yesterday because he's smal1er than a lot of the kids we hire. After the lady wilh the ice cream had left, we closed up and Andrew told me thanks for covering, thai with all my extra money I could pill a big deposil on a house. J shook my head; time and a half on m}' pay is nothing. I capped out on hourly years ago. I wa.lked home, alone, and greeted my roommates when I got back. They all smiled at me from their \'ariolls cereal boxes, callS of pasta and tubs of oatmeal. Ha ha. I don't really remember if I ate.

Summer 2003

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II was a cold night, Ihe windows were fogged and weal her forecasters predicted a bliu...l.rd within the next few days. TV belched commercials and silcoms and sensible talk eventually devolved into images of products that could be obtained just this one time for a low 10\\" discount price. I tumed it oIT. And, as ah\~ys, laiC, when e\"en the buildings have all gone to sleep, I stripped orr my uniform: the blue apron and tie, the black slacks, my yellowed nametag engraved with my date of hire, I stripped it all orr and back like Ihe sk.in of a banana, I stripped down to nothing and I walked out of my apartment into the street, walked wilh my bare feet scraping carpet, then woOO, then gl~SS, then cold \ret concrete, my eyes wide and frosting I looked up at the sky and I (h~nk the cold cold night, I saw the sl'ars gleaming and tasted the clouds, my head cast back I gulped air Ihal burned like name and fire and the depths ofa pyre, I opened my mouth and smiled and smiled and smiled. Then I wenl back inside, 10 bed. I had to pull anotherdollble the next day.

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-InterviewScott Russell Sanders on Nonfiction Scon HlIsseli Sanders is one of the most widely published and highly respected practitioners of the personal essay. He is the author of numerolls es&1.Y coliectiollS, as well as works of fiction for adults and children. A long-time resident of Bloomington, Indiana, where he teaches in the Indiana University J\'IFA program, Sanders was the University of Idaho's Distinguished Visiting ',Vriter for a week in April 2003. He also served as the contest judge for Fugue's first nonfiction contest, the winners of which appear in this issue. Sanders was interviewed by MFA studentjen Hi11. JH: 1 think young writers are constantly trying to judge praise and criticism, trying to figure out when they've "made it" to the next level of the miter's life. Can you describe some of the successes and setbacks you have expelienced? SRS: As it happens, I didn't come to \\Tiling Ihrough workshops. I didn't take creative writing classes. In college J sludied physics before I tllllled to English, and I knew nothing about !\'IFA progl~lms. The first workshop I ever auendcd was the first one I taught. So I ne\"er had anyone, a teacher or a classmate, tell me whether I was making progress in my art. Of course, like any writer, I've wanted to improve, and I\"e looked for signs that I'm learning Ihe an. In Ihe early years, when I wrote fiction, thaI meant aspiring 10 make stories good enough 10 engage my fellow graduate students inlilerature. The next step was 10 persuade an editor to publish something I'd wlincn. So I began sending off ShOl1 stolies and eS&"1VS to magazines. I wasn't seeking fame and fO!1lme-and a good thing, too-but rather for confirmatiollthat what I had \\Tincn was of interest to people who cared about conlemp0l<uy \Hiling. Perhaps because I was living ill England al the time, and because my stories stood out as different from the usual rLm of Sommer 2003

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fiction by young English writers, I l};td some early luck in placing work in magazines-in C.lmbridgc RCI路iew, TI~l1JSatlalltic Re\路iew, Stalld and others. And that was tremendously encolll'aging to me. I rcmcmbcr vividly those carly publications. In onc instance, I ran into Jon Silkin, a fine poet and the editor of Stand, as he was selling copies of his magazine on the main street in Cambridge. '~'e stmck up a conversation. You must understand that I was shy then, am shy now. I'm reluctant to impose my work on anyone. That patient man kepI asking me questions until I confessed my passion for writing. He asked to see something I'd written, so I bicycled home, grabbed a story, bicycled b.l.ck, handed it to him. And I stood there while he read it slowly, the pages ruffiing in the wind. I imagined my inexpel1 sentences coiling through his mind. ''''hen he finished, he said he'd like to publish it in Stand, and I was ecstatic. A couple of years later, when Silkin returned to Cambridge to read from his poetry, I reminded him of thai act of generosity, and I gave him a great bear hug. Many years and many publications later, I still hope to imprO\路c as a wriler. I don't measure gro\\1h by sales figures, reviews, or prizes, bUI by what I'm able to take on, thc qucstions I'm able to ask and the fOll1lS I'm able to achieve. My work has become more complex, more layered, over the years, as I learn how to gather more and more of my experience into a coherent shape. I also measure success through the impact of mv work on readers-people who send me letters or email, who speak with me after a public reading, and who say how something I've written has given them pleasure or helped them see their liws more clearly. JH: And what of allY set backs you faced? SRS: ''''hell I retullled to the States after graduate school, I continued to publish stories and essays in magazines, but I struggled to find publishers for my earliest books. I wrote

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two 1l0\"e1s and two collections of stories over an eight-year period before 1 was able to get any of them published. It was hard 10 keep writing the next book when the previous ones had found no home. But instead of breaking my desire to write, this period of waiting toughened me. I was serving an apprenticeship, like the poneI' who must knead clay and practice on the wheel for years before he's allowed 10 show his work to the world. Even without publishing any books in those years, I leamed how much writing mattered to me. I drew meaning and pleasure from the work, even though I could never be confident that anybody else would ever read it. If I'd had success in publishing right away, I might have grown discouraged whenever I hit a hard patch later 011. And all writers hit hard patches, periods of discomagement and darkness. Merely gening a book in print is not the end of your challenges. I've had books olphaned when editors leave the publishing house. I've had books lost in the shufile of multinationallakeovers. I've had books buried in jackets ugly enough to make me wince. I've had books ignored by re\'iewers because I live in an IInf.'1shionable pall of the country and \nite about unfashionable subjects. But by and large, my experience as a writer has been one of slow and steady gro\\1h in the practice of my art and in the span of my audience. JH: Nonfiction has been coined the "fourth genre," behind poetry, drama, and fiction. Of the other three genres, can you explain which one might be the closest COliS in to nonfiction? L'1st year, visiting \\Titer Mark Doty said, without hesitation, that poetry and nonfiction are more closely' connected than any of the other genres. SRS: Most people think ficlion is the closest analogue because ii's written in prose and it tells stories. Cellainly there are affinities between fiction and nonfiction. I came to the writing of essays by way of ShOll stories and novels-as did Summer 2003

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such notable essayists as Peler l'vlatthiessen and Edward Hoagland. But actually I would agree wilh Mark DOly's answer; there is a more intimate connection between poetry and the personal essay. For one thing, much poetl1', like the essa.y, is told directly out of the writer's OWIl experience, rather thallthrough invented characters. And essays can be organized in a variety of ways reminiscent of the strategies in poetry. They can be organized around an image, for example, 01' Yaliations on a theme. They can be collages or mos,l.ics or quilts. They can be eulogies, elegies, lyric outbursts, or reveries. They can be held together by voice. By contrast, I think lhere are fewer ways of organizing sh0l1 slolies, and nearly all of them rely on n;uTati\'e. JH: In some fiction and poetry, there is a degree of experimentation. Meanwhile, nonfiction seems 10 be fairly tradilional. In your experience, have yOIl come across any nonfiction yOiI wOllld call experimental?

SRS: I think nonficlion is

the whole more conservative in form than poetry or fiction. Much "experimental" \\'Iiting is read only by specialists, people with an expertise in the genre, whereas nonfiction is usually intended for a general audience-for what Virginia \i\'oolf called the Common Reader. Certainly I aim to reach ordinary, literate, culiollS people, people who work with their hands as well as their minds, people for whom reading is neither pastime nor puzzle, but an essential nutrient, like water or S,llt. I like to invest my energy in asking hard questions and telling complex stories clearly, rather than in playing \\ith the shape of the essay. The oJiginal meaning of eSSol.\'-aS understood by Michel de Montaigne who il1\'ellled the tellll-is a tlial, an efTol1, a weighing Ollt, and so it is an experiment in understanding, a search for pattem. At the same time, we should remember that the essay can take llIany dirlcrent shapes, and some of them may be as 166

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daring as an~1hing in fiction or poetry. I think of 'V-llden, which is still a radical work, or some of Emerson's essays. I think ofjallles Agee's LeI Us Noll' Pr'lise Em/oils MeJJ,jallles Baldwin's The Fire NexI Time, Primo Levi's The Periodic 1ilbJe, Leslie Marmon Silko's SlOrytel1eJ: Annie Dillard's For the Time Being, or Barry Lopez's Arctic Dreams. In those books, and others I could name, one feels that the driving impulse is not experimentation for the sake of noveh~l, but the searching for an adequate fonn, for a way of saying something no one has quite said before. That edge between what is sayable-and therefore thinkable, feelable, imaginable-and what is not-yet sa.yable, is the frontier ofgood \\liting. Ifworking Oll that frontier requires me to try a new f01111, I'll do so. JH: Leap by Terry Tempest \\Tilliams has moments where it breaks inlo poetry. Even though nonfiction and poetry are so closely related, did you find that decision detracted li路om the hrger impact of the book? SRS: I love the work of Terry Tempest \\Tilliams. Bill Leap seems to me less successful than several of her other books-Rehlge, say, or Pieces of ''''hite Shell or Red. I sense that she was trying too hard for IYlicislll here, and that she was trying to link too many things to Hieronymus Bosch's painting, The Col/den of 拢lr(h~\r Delights. Even if the hook doesn't quite work, in m)' view, it's still a garden of delights. JH: \\Then I think of nontraditional forms of nonfiction, the lise of fragment~n the sentence level-comes to mind. \\Then yOll come across fragmen!'ary writing in nonfiction, what is your reaction? SRS: I think fragments ollghtto be used sparingly, and onl~r for good reason. They ought to signal that language is breaking down, that the pressure of feeling 01' event or insight is too great 10 allow for the formation of complete sentencesSummer 2003

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like the breakdown of mailer under extreme conditions. In contemporary writing, however, sentence fragments are orten used out of laziness. I suspeci that writers hope a sequence of punchy little phrases ending in periods will lend an emotional 1)O,,"er to their work lhat tile material itself doeSII'tjusti~v. That's an illusion, and it comes from reading ad'"ertising copy. If yOll look at ads in magazines, on Ielevision, or on billboards, you'll see skeins of fragments. New! Impmved! 'Vhat you need! Those shards of language are aimed at persuading us that the item for sale is more alluring, more necessary to our happiness, than it really is. ',Vhen any \\liter lapses into ad-speak, I become wary. JH: How about essays thaI ha\"e a fragmented narrative? Annie Dillard's "The ''''reck of Time" comes to mind. Everything in that es5.1.Y is thematically related, but it's bmken into chunks.

SRS: Interweaving several story lines can be a l)Owelful way oforganizing an essay. [;lCh line of nan~J1i\"(~ has a SlJ1lclurc, and the whole essay, if it's skillfully made-as Annie Dillard's essays cel1ainly are-will cohere into a complex pattern. I\"e used this technique in a number of es5.1.Ys, and in entire books such as Huwing fOJ" Hope and Staying Put. The sections of the essay mar not be explicillr connected one to another, bllt iflhe reader stays with the work, the links between the v;uiolls strands will become evident, and a larger vision will gradually appear. The ulli\"erse is extraordinarily complex, intricate, and grand. But it all hangs together. It's a single reality. 'Vhal seems fragmentary is only the result of our pal1ial seeing. The same is true of our lives. JH: Nonfiction writers orten have an obligation to renect extensively not only on personal events but also political events, to shed light and reposition these events in a unique way. 'Vhat role might literary nonfiction writers play in 168

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reOecling on 9/11, and (in general) alilhe olher major eve illS from Ihe lasl few years? SRS: 'Ve arc a sociely infaluated \\ith experls. On Ic!elision, on Ihe radio, in Ihe newspapers and magazines, Ihe people who offer opinions on 9/11, the war in Iraq, or globa.! warming, s.1.y. are retired generals, scielllisls, physicians, policy makers. Sure, we need 10 hear their opinions. BUI finally. we must make up our own minds. And we're amateurs. As cilizcns, we need 10 inform oursekes on Ihe \"ilal issues, but we can'l become expel1s. Personalnonficlioll is a placc where Ille \\1"ilercallthink aloud, as il were, in public, as an amateur. The ess."1yisl does nol ask us 10 accepl his or heropinions, but ralher invites us to ponder our own lives, and 10 reOeel on Ihe momentous events Ihal shape our sociely. Since 9/11, there has been an oUlpouring of ess."1ys, slOries, and poems millen iu response 10 those lenible en:nls. I\"e wrinen my share. As I\"e read Ihe responses of \\TilerS from around Ihe counlry, I'm struck by how much Ihey differ from whalthe med~'l and our so-called leader'S ha\"e been lelling us in the aftennath of lhal attack. 'Vhal we hear from Ihe poets, the fiction \\Titcr'S, and Ihe eSS<'lyists is often much deeper, more compassionale, and morc helpful than all~1hing w('\"e heard from Ihe expel1s.

JH: ''''hal have yOll read in Ihe last 18 monlhs Ihal's infornlcd ~"our opinion about 9/11? SRS: I look at opinion from periodicals around the world. I turn to poets such as Palliann Rogers, W. S. Merwin, and Robel1 Hass. There's a volume edited by ''''illiam Heyen, September 1J, 200J: l\mcric."11l "'''ifen: Respond, with strong work li"Om all o\"er Ihe couutry. I've been mo\"ed by a couple of ess.'lys from \o\'endell Berry, which appeared in Orion and ha\"c been gathered in a small book called In the Presence of Fe.l/: There have also been several other extraonlinary picces Summc:r 2003

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in Orion, including essays by Da\'idJames Duncan and Barb.-u<1 Kingsoh'er. jH: You've said Orion is your favorite publication. 'iVhat do you like about Orion?

SRS: II's a magazine that explores issues of social justice, conservation, science, and spirituality, all through the medium of visual and literary a11. Orion is the only place 1 know of in America today where one can move across all of those realms, and show their illlerconnectiolls. Too often, these themes and concerns get divided up into separate boxes. Yet the world is one. It's only our apprQ;lch to the world that di\'ides it into specialties. Caring for the Ea.l1h, for example, can't be separated from caring for people. Searching for a spiritual ground can't be separated from the pursuit of scientific understanding. In Oli01l, \\1iters, photographers, painters, scientist's, and grass roots activists Iry to see our lives, the Ea.l1h, and the universe as an inlegt<11 whole. This wonderful magazine unites vision and acti\'ism, a regard for beauty and a regard for concrete results. JH: Is Orion succeeding? SRS: I think so. It has attracted many of our country's most exciting writers. I've mentioned ,.vendell Berry and Barbara Kingsolver. There's also Barry Lopez, Terry Tempest vVilliams, Rick Bass, Robert Michael Pyle, Ann Zwinger,John EJder, Peter Mallhiessen, Richard Nelson, Gary Nabha.ll, Alison Deming, and many others. 1l1at's a sign of a magazine doing really imponant work. Over the p.l.st ten years or so, I have sent to Orion the essays [ care most about. JH: 'o\'hat are some other magazines regularly?

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SRS: I read Reswgence, which comes Ollt of London and is widely circulated in the United States. It aims at lhe same intersection of social justice, envimnmental concerns, science, arl, and spirituality, \\ith a g10b.1..I perspecti\'e. It's less interested in literary qualities, and more focused 011 the issues. But it's a wonded'ul magazine. ] also read H/i/d Earth, which comes out ofVermonl, and N011hem Lights, out of the Rockies, as well as Audubon, Pambola, The GCOlgia Rel'ieH; the Buddhist maga7jlle Tricycle and tile Christian magazine Sojol/mers. jH: \Vhal have you read that wasn't directly in res)X>nse to 9/11, bill s)X>ke to the situation?

SRS: I read the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hallh, especially Being Peace, and Ursula Lc Guin's recent translation of lhe Tao Ti? Ching. And I reread Letter !iOn!.l Bil'winghan!}.1J'Iby Marlin Luther King]r.It's a book about responding to violence with compassion and courage, very much in the tradition of Gandhi and Jesus. Along wilh millions of other black people, King was conlending with daily telTorism. He was facing the KKK, club-wielding )X>licemen, attack dogs, fire hoses, and he was arguing for nOllviolence as the only viable response. He insisted that it's wmng to answer violence wilh violence, because many innocent people will be hurt, and because you will only pell>ctuate the hatred and sow the seeds of fUlure suffeling. Only a compassionate and courageous response, while avoiding violence, can break the cycle of murder. \Ve still have much to learn from King's Leueras we react to termrism and to threats-real or imagined-from countries like Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. I've also retlllllcd to some of Thomas Mel10n's essays on nonviolence. Menon was a Trappist monk who died in 1968, and who was pmfolludly disllll'bed by racial strife, the Vietnam \Var, and the nuclear arms race. Unlike many people Summer 2003

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who call themselves Christians and admcate war, J\llerton took seriouslvJesus's instructions that we love one another and make peace. The books of the prophets in the Hebrew Bible and the gospel accounts ofJesus in the New Testament are among the most thoroughgoing calls for compassion and forgiveness ever recorded, and yet they're often used as recipes for judgment and donlination. JH: 'Vhat writing projects are you working on now? SRS: I'm working on a book called 1\ Pn't;lre Hj5ro/~' of Awe, which records my errorts 10 understand my own life, the meaning of conllllunity, and the f.'ue of the Eal1h in light of spirilual wisdom. I'm drawing on such wisdom wherever I can lind it, but for me this has chiefly meant Christianity, Buddhism, and valious Native Americ<ln traditions. I'm a beginner in my knowledge of Buddhism and Native American teachings, but I'm graleful for all I've leamed. I was reared in Christianity, steeped in the Bible, marinated in sermons, so I know IhallJ~ldition r.Lirly well, but now I look at it from outside the church, If one sels aside the claims aooul immortality and special deals from God, what values and tmills remain, and what do Ihey have 10 teach us aooutliving in ollr place, in 0111' time? For example, during this war with II<tq, I\'e been rereading the Psalms, thinking aoollt Ihe pain, anger, violence and longing Ihat inspired Ihose grand songs more than 2,000 years ago. They are poems aoout exile,loss, fear, and revenge, and they still speak 10 our conditionloday. During my visit to Idaho this week, I've been making notes for an essay entitled "Quarreling wilh Emerson." ''''hether this will become pal1 of Ihe AlI'e book I don't yet kno\\'. I've been trying 10 discern my 0\\11 lineage, my debls 10 pal1iclilar wrilers in the lI<tdilion of social and wilderness Ihought. In Emerson's case, I have a sense of gratitllde for lessons leamed, and also a sense of the need 10 go beyond him.

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JH: ''''hat elements of Emerson do you think we need to move bevond? SRS: Emerson was an idealist, in the philosophical sense. He believed that mind is primary, matter secondary. Such a philosophy has the dangerous elTect of treating the natural world as an illusion, a side-elTect of our own clever tllollgllts. I don't believe that Nature is a creation of consciousness, even though of course our perceptions and language are shaped by 0111' thoughts. I believe that we are a creation of Nature, including our app.l.ratus of perception and our speech. Consciousness itself, the very shape and texnlre of mind, is a response to a fabulous, amazing, intricate reality that lranscends us. The universe is much older, wiser, and sllbtlerthan we arc. If Nature is an illusion, as Emerson clainls, then anything we do to the ["'u1h-extinguishing other species, destroying habitat, poisoning !i\'el'S and seas, disrupting the atmosphere-does not reall~' maller, since it's all only a sideshow, a phantasm. I want to tllrn Emerson on his head, and reclaim the natural world as the primary reality, with consciousness as secondary, however curious, complex, sometimes terrible, and sometimes beautiful our minds may be. Also, Emerson doesn'l speak much about community, about living in relationship 10 other people. He's the great proponent of self-reliance and splendid isolation. "'Is not a man beller than a town?" he asks in one of his essays. Well, yes and no. ''''e shouldn't have to choose belween honoring individuals and honoring community. By putting so much emphasis on the solitary person's freedom to define the world as he or she sees fil, Emel'Son slighted the pleasures and obligations of living alongside other people.

JH: ''''hat are the implications of all this for the traditional nature writer? Sumrrter 2(0)

173

SRS: In a sense, Nalure is already doing Ihe writing. ''''e are the eyes, ears, Iloses, and nlollths of Ihe creal ion, gazillg back allhe universe, listening, pondering. ''''helherwe respond in song, painting, poem, essay, dance, or scientific formula, we are the product of the Eal1h, the mountains and rivers, the seas, and the stalTY skies. Other creatures gaze back as well, bUI Ihey don't record their responses iu books. Thoreau, Emerson's greatest disciple, accepted this role. He stal1ed out as an Emersonian idealist. But the more time he spent outdoors, the more he came 10 acknowledge that what he called wildness is not deli"ative of mind, but is Ihe original reality. Human thought, feeling, perception, and language have all evolved in response to thai primal reality. O"er the course of his life, Thoreau shifted from being a Transcendentalist to being a quizzical animal, tromping around in all weathers and all seasons, studying birds and nowers and ponds, responding to the beauty, intlicacy, power, and rightness of Nature. His early joumals were filled with metaphysiClI musings, but his Ialerjouma!s were mostly field notes. ''''hile Emerson sat indoors and thought about Nature, Thoreau went ollt'side and watched what was going on. JH: So do you consider yourself a nature writer? SRS: ''''hen ~'Oll label somebody a nature writer, it implies that to pay attention to the natural world is a special interest-like being a film bull or a racing car enthusiast. ''''e have food \\'1iters and SP0l1S \\1iters. who pa~' attention to some field of activity. BUI Nature is the field of activity, the ground for everything. Seeing our li,'cs within the context of the greater life of the E..l.rth, therefore, should be normal. ''''hat's abnollllal, what begs for a special label, is literature that ignores the fact we live 011 a planet in the midst of a several-billion-yearold-evolutionary stream, alongside millions of other species. My friend Gary Nabhan only half:iokingly suggests thaI such 174

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\\Titing should be called "urban dysfullctionalliteralure.'" Gary, by the way, is someone who knows we Iivc on a planet, and \\"ho's fascinated by all the crillers, including the two-legged ones-as you can see in his wonderful books, such as Songbilds, ~nllmes, and H'o/\"t's or The Desert Smells Like Rain. The fact is, I don't write just about hiking in the mOlliltail1s or ))<1ddlil1g in rivers. J \\lile about r.l.milies, houses, towns, good work, good food, the discoveries of science, the mysteries of spirit, the pleasures of communily. I'm trying to understand my life, and the meaning of life, \\ithin the embrace of this glorious creation. \Vc shouldn't lleed a label for writing that acknowledges we are animals among other animals, that we h,'e and breathe and drink the world constantly, that our li,'es unfold within the web of starfish and stars. Such writing merely accepts the most e1emeotaltl1lths about our existence. This is ,'cry old and essential knowledge, as recorded in the lraditionallore of our species, from ancient cave paintings and myths to folk tales and songs. Our species happens to have spun this wondelful fablic of language, which enables us to make books, but this skill doesn't make liS fundamentally different from the bears and the bees, the mushrooms and mice. It's all one great r.l.mily. Since we're the noisiest members, we ought to lake care to say something \lseful and true.

Summer 2003

17.5

Contributors Suzette Bishop is a teacher at 'Icxas A & M International University in L1.redo. Her IXleIllS ha\'e appeared in nlllllerousjolllllais and alllhologies, and have been nominated for the A \VP Illtrojournals Project and the j)ushcal1 Plize. She recei\'ed all Honorable I\lentioll from the Academy of American PoetS and an Oberlin fellowship for women \\liters. Andrew Bradley is alllhor of the chapbook ;tUBe.ll1/iflll Lies. His IXlems ha\'e appeared in Curbside Rel'iell'. Al.1ill Street Rag. Conespotlc/ence, Oll/he RllllliVlJllhe American Dre.1tll, and olliine al tJolcofTcchouse.rom, He is a founding member of REllQ, a multi-

disciplinary performance collaborati\'e Ihat mixes IXlell-y, music, theater. \'ideo and Olher \isual alts in li\'e conceit. He li\'es in I)hiladelphia with his twelve-year-old son Manias, and Artaud, a comp.l.nionable gibbon. A I\lontana nati\'e, Chauna Craig no\\' li\'es in Indiana, Pellllsyh'ania, where she leaches Creative \-Vriting at Indiana Uni\'ersity of Itnnsyl\'ania. Her work has appeared in Prairie Schoollet: Aseem. GreetJ MOIIIl/.lins Rel'iell', QlI.lrletl.1' H-eSl, Pass:Wes Nonll. and Crab Orchard Rel'iewand has earned her two Pushcal1 Plize nominations. Christopher Essex recei\'ed his MFA in Cl'calil'e Writing from Indiana Uni\'ersity, where he was a Hemingway Fello\\' and sen'ed as fiction editor atlhe Inc/i.1tI.l Rel'ie\\'. He has had ShOll stories published in Pc.ld, The MacGltllill, \Vhiske,I'Is/and, Bllte Mes.l RCI>icw, Crescellf RCI'icw, Fl.l'ing Islmld, IJ,lt/Jtllb Gitl. and other literary magazines, During his undergraduate years at the Uni\'crsity of Colorad~Bolllder,he was an editor at \ ElJk.1bom magazine and workcd on I hc starr of RoJ/itlg Stock magazine.

ÂŁlyse Fields studies and teaches literary nonfiction as an I\IFA candidate at thc University of lo\\'a. Her \\'ork has appeared in T11c Itl/atlclet; }b! Ajollrll.1/ oflbsiria' FWllres, and a \driety of regional 176

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magazines. She wishes 10 acknowledge her Continuing I\lodcrn teacher Amanda I-Iamp, whose apPITh1ch 10 dancing-and living-is b.1Sed 011 Pe&,"Y Hackney's book, M,1ki/lg Connce/iolls. Elyse has been dancing since she was three. Sonia Cernes grew lip on a dairy farlll in Minnesota and is clllTendy a )lrofessorof English 'It Ihe Univcrsity of Notre Dame where she teaches Creativc \Vriring and American uteraturc. She has published aile novel. The \E1,V to St. lI'cs, (Scrilmers 1982) and foul" books of poetlT-The Mwcs of Sleep.I' Eye (1981). BriefUIl:S (1982), H0mell ,1t FarlY (1988), and A. Breeze C"Jled the Frem.mde Doctor: Poems/Tales (1998). She has taught in New Zealand, Australia and London, and was awarded an NEA creative writing fellowship in 1999. She is currently at work on a book of essays. James Grinwis' 1I'0rk has appeared in numerous publications including rlmelicilll Poel1}' Rel'iell', Get(l'sbllrg Rel'iew, Mississippi Rel'iell', Im/ialJ.1 Rel'iell'. Prairie Schoof/er, AJ,tful Dodge. Midwcst Quartedr, Columbia, COllduit. Quick FietiolJ, Mlldfish. and Skidl'OlI' Pcn/hollse #5. He works in education research and lil'es in Amherst, Massachusetts.

Cynthia]. Hollenbeck lives in I\IOSCOIl', Idaho. with her husband and two daughters. She's a graduate studem in the MFA program at University of Idaho. Her \\'ork has appeared in Jalking Ril'Cr Rel'iew, \ I asllillgtoll EllglishJoumal. Red Ril'Cr Rel';ew, and 'l1Ie Ledge. Currently, Cynthia's working on a mcmoir: N,mcy Nal'Y: SeCI'CtS ofal! EIJ/isted Homan.

Austin Hummell's first book of poems, The FIIg;til'c Kind, is a\'ailable from L1le Unil'ersily of Georgia Jlrcss, He tcaches al Nonhel1l I\lichigan Univcrsity and is poetry cditorof Passages NO/til. Marcia 1.. Hurlow is a naril'e of 1\1t. Vernon, Ohio, and a professor at Asbury College in \Vilmore, Kentucky. Her poems have appeared in Summer 2003

177

Poetry, Poetl)' Northll"Csf, Chicago Rell'clI'. I-bcfl)' 拢lS/ and Nimrod,

among others. She has three chapbooks. AliellS Are Jmercep/illg /11.1' BI';lill \1 ;wcs (State Street Press, 1991). J),1/lgcrs oflbld (Ri\'erstone Press, 199.J-) and A 'J}"Cc Ogham (Nova House Press, 2002), Alison Krupnick !i\'es in Seallle. \\'ashington. where she writes and takes can~ of her tll"O young daughters. In early 2003. ~ Valentines" received an award from American PEN \\!omen, It is her first published work. She is currently at work on a collection of essays entitled RI/II/illatiofls frolll/he /IIiflil',1/1.

Don Kunz is Ilrofessor of English at the University of Rhode Island where he teaches liter;l.1ure, film studies, and creative wliting. His essays, pocms, and stories hal"e appeared in a variety of literary magazines. \Vhen he is not working, he enjoys hiking, rafting, and long-distancc wilderness trail rides in the Americall \Vest,

Holly Leigh has 11'litlen about gelling lost in Scotland, praying at a racetrack in Ireland, tiding a logging train ill Romania. and walking the haz..1.rdous roads outside Boston. She has published essays in lkJlcl'lle ntclal)' RCI"iell~ Fuguc, -rile L11com Rel'ie\l', /IIediphorsjoumaJ, /IIoxie /II.lo"aZinc and Pmct;c.1l Horseman. A fonner NEA FellolI", Donald. Levering's most recelll poetry book is ]1JC F.1Sf orThoth, from !ludding House I~'ess, His pl~'ious poetl~' books include Horsel.1iJ (Woodley Press), Mister Ubiqlli~' (Pudding

or Spriug (Swamp Press), C.llpool (JeHus), and Olltcroppi"gs From N:n'<1joJo1Ild (Nal-ajo COllllllunity College Press). He

1路louse Press). J7It:jack

lives in Santa Fe, Nell' l\'lexico, where he directs the "111eaterwork Poetry Reading Series. Metta Little lives in Asheville, NOl1h Carolina, somctimcs writing music reviews for a parody newspaper called T1,e AsIJel'iJle Disclaimel', A student at the Univcrsity of NOl1h Carolina at Asheville, l'\lelta hopes to leam sOlnething (anything at all) about making dOCumenL1.ries. 178

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Daniel Luevano is lhe author of lhe chapbook The FUIIII!: Called Something O'ClocK. He lives in Greenville. South Carolina. with his wifc ami daughter. David Lmde livcs in N0l1h Bend, Oregon. This is the second lime his poelry has appeared in Fugue.

Alana Merritt Mahaffey, 29, has lx.'cn published in journals including Poe/lY Motel, MidSoUlh Poefl}' Rel';ell', Fugue, Gmssl.1/Jds Rel';cll', Lucid s(Olle, X~II";eJ' Rel';ell'aml slalll. She lcaches literature al Garland County COllllllunity College. Jane McCafferty lives in Pittsburgh and teaches at Camegie fI,'lellotl University. Her fiction has appeared inlhe NCII' Engl,11Id Uel';ell',

Glimmer Train, \ Fiwess, stOlY, and M<ldelllo;selle, among olher magazines, and has earned her an NEA fellowship and a Pushcan Prize, as well as inclusion in Best Amcr;c.lll 5110/1 s/Orics. Her books include Dit!:ctorof the \ 1'orld (1992), a collection of slories awarded the Drue Heinz Litel";\.turc I~'ize, and One f!c,lrl (1999), a novel. "Brother 10 M

Brother will appear in 'J1mnK \011 fOl" the MIIS;C, a collection of stories due oul in january. George McConniek is a dishwasher who splils his rime between ~Iadison, \Visconsin, and Cooke CilY. j\'IOlltalla. He has recelltly published slories in ClI/ballk and The "fa/king Ujl!:r Rel路jew. Kathleen McGookey's work has appeared in Bostoll Rel'jew, Cimarroll Rel';cll~ Epoch, LWlo1, n,e}oartlo1/, PlolIghsh1l"es, sencca Uel路;ell'. "enit', and other journals. Her book, 1V1l.1tel'er sfJiJICS, is available from \\!hite Pine I~路ess. Her website is wI\'W.kathleenlllcgookey.colll. Sheila Sinead McGuinness lives in Pro\'inceloll'tl, Massachusetts. Previously she taught Creative \ Vriting althe University of Montana,

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where she was also the editor of CIJ/b:mk, Her poems have appeared in N,lt11mJ Bridge, So (0 Spe,lk. M.lin SIIr::Ct R,1g, JOll'a \Vomafl, and COli/moll LJI'CS, among other magazines. She is also the recipient of a MassachllSetls Cultural COllncill)oct~, Fellowship and an Academy of American lloets prize. Malachi McIntosh was born in November 1980 in Birmingham, England. He has worked as a cashier, stock clerk. ne\\"sp.lperman, r.,ctory hand. collection agent. disc jockey, 1lI0\路er. and pizzi boy. ~ Retail is his M

first published shorl story. Deborah Owen Moore is a poet and translator whose work has

appeared ill journals such as The Abiko QllaI1CrJ.I', TriQllartc/~I', Cotlfromatioll, and halftones tojllbiJee. Currently, she works for the Council for Inlemational Exchange of Scholars, the organiz.,tionlhat administers the Fulbright Scholar Program.

Sandra Novack holds a BS from Moravian College. an !'I'IA in Literature and Creative \ Vriling from the University of Cincinnati, alld an !'II FA in Creative \Vriting from Vermont College. She has taught \\Tiling and literature at the Unh'ersity of Cincinnati, nuke University, North Carolina State University, and writers.colll and is working on her first story collection.

Paul PelT)' was born in nublin, Ireland. His poems have appeared ill lIlany journals and anthologies, including l'oeil)' Ireland Rel'iell' and 17,c BeSt AmeriC:lII Poeu)' 2000. He 1I'0n the Hennesy New Irish \Vriter Award in 1998 and the Listowell)oetry Prize ill 2002. He has been a

James Michener Fellow at the University of !'Iliami where he received his !'II FA in 1997 and aJames Cambor Felloll'ofPoctl'y at the University of Houston. He has also been \Vriler in Residence for Co. Longford. He is cUlTently \Vriter in Residence for the University of Ulster al Coleraine, in Northern Ireland. His first book is fOl1hcoming from Salmon !)OCIl-Y (www.salmonpoetry.col11) in tile sUllllller of2003.

ISO

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!)rofcssor of English 011 Kcan Univcrsily, Susanna Lipp6czy Rich hosts Poets 011 Air, rcccntly inlcrvicwillg Billy Collins, Slcphcn Dunn, and Alicia OSlrikcr, Hcr poelry and crealivc nonfiction appcar in such I'Clllies as Nimrod, fiUlJIiers, Proteus, halfiope, Femil/ist Stlldies, and Plloebe (bolh Ncw York and Virginia), Wilh al1isljoJochnowilz, shc lours all inlcrf.1ilh program cmillcd ,1slles, as/les: A Poe/ ,ll1d all Artis/

Respond /0 /he Shoah. Longman/Allyn & B.1conjusl issucd the fOlll1h cdilion ofhcr lCXlbook, 'J71e Rexible \Vriter. MLullaby (Cradle Song)~ is

a chapter from her manuscript Still Hllllg'lr)': A jUcmoi,:

Michad Shillin& lives ill Seattle. His fiction has appearcd in Tile

51111,

Bridge, and Nigh/ Rally.

MaUTCen Stanton's essays havc appeared in Fom1h Celll"C, Crealil'e NOllfictioll, 'l7le SUII and othcr lilcr;l.IY joumals and anthologies. She is

lhe winner of lhe 2002 !\hry Robcl1S Rinehal1 award and lhe 2003 Penelope Nil'en Award in crcarive nonfiction.

Angie Weaver is a nalil'e of Norlhern Kenlucky, where grass grows tall and family and fricnds grow slrong. Shc is clllTemly a graduale student OIl Miami Unil'ersity of Ohio. Her work has appeared in \ I'riter Ollline! NO\',lLcartl and Reflections, Jason Wirtz taughl English for three years in CaJifol1lia before deciding to concenlrate on wtiting. He has sincc moved 10 !\Iichigan 10 pursue an MFA ill Crealive \\lriliugal \-\leslern !\Iichigan UniversilY where he is leaching and writing I<xlay.

Summer 2003

l'UGUE S=ttr Bishop Andrew Br.KIl,,!' ChaW13 Craig ChrisIopher We>< E1j... F.,lds Sonia Gemes james Grinwi., C}nthiaj. HoUenbeck

Austin HummeD Marcia l. Hurlow Alison Krupnick DonKWlZ

Holly Leigh Donald Levering Meua Little Daniel Luevano

D;n;d Lunde Alana Merriu MahaIf,,!' j .... McCaIIi 11) George McCormick

Kathleen MrGook<y

Sheila Sinead McGuinness MaIarhi MdnlO5h Deborah o-n Moore Sandra <Mck Paul Perry Su..anna Lipp6rzy Rich Michael Shilling Maureen Stanton Angie Weaver jason Wirtz

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