Captain Obvious

Born on his birthday, most likely on Earth since Venus is too not cold and Neptune is too not hot for him, Captain Obvious is one of those superheroes fighting bad guys, supervillains, and assorted evil-doers. He was first brought into the X-Men for his intelligence and vocalness, but was later expelled due to his numerous bouts of obviousness.

This inability to stick with any particular group has hurt his cultural standing. An entire thirty minutes were cut from the first X-Men film to eliminate his role, due to the sheer “predictability” of the character. He appeared once on The O’Reilly Factor in a historic appearance that lasted all of ten seconds when he blurted out that “Wait a minute, this show isn’t fair and balanced at all.”

His comic book line sold out its first three issues, but sales quickly plummeted due to what readers complained was “predictable writing.” These days he fills in minor roles, usually uttering phrases such as “That asteroid is heading straight toward us!” or “If we don’t defuse this hydrogen bomb, the whole city will be destroyed!” His 900 page autobiography was also panned. In the book, titled This is a book about me, Captain Obvious, he admits what was already believed by many to be his greatest weakness.

“I think my constant exclusion may have something to do with how I always say the obvious.”

As with many heroes who always return compliments and flattery by saying that the real hero is you, in the case of Captain Obvious this statement is more obvious than ever, as there are so many Captain Obvious who don’t hide among us — especially when there are obvious fakes to report and take down on the Internet. They are more than you think, only, in most of the cases, they just don’t know it yet, shhh.

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